The Six Millionth Dollar Man

The original draft was written by hand in pencil, as a generative writing assignment in 5th grade (yes, fifth grade). It was inspired by various TV parodies of The Six Million Dollar Man which involved lowering his price tag. All spellings, punctuation, capitalizations, ridiculous aerodyamics, etc. are as in the original.

You have been warned.

One day, a man named Steve Ocran had an airplane crash, & his legs, left arm, & right eye were damaged beyond repair. So, the crew paid a sixty-thousandth of a cent ($ 1/6,000,000) to repair him. Even though he was strong, every 3 or 4 minutes he would short circuit somewhere.

One day, he short circuited just as he was jumping 20 feet. After that he said, "Give me a latch on each of my electronic parts, a screw driver to open them, & a re-circuiter to stop the short circuit."

So they did what he said. He put them in his left front pocket.

Steve Ocran could run 60 miles per hour (until he short circuited), & could lift up 500 lbs. (ditto). One day, he tripped on a bare wire & the electricity zapped through his electronics & killed him.

• The inspirations for this masterpiece of literature included: The Bionic Watermelon (from the Captain & Tennille show), The Three Million Dollar Boy (starring Jimmy Osmond), The $6.95 Man (from Uncle Croc's Block), and The Six Dollar Man (whom I only remember the title of today). All of these really were on TV at one point. I took pride, however, in the fact that my version of Steve Austin was cheaper than any of them!
• I would be remiss if I didn't mention that, on the playground in 5th grade, I frequently play-acted Six Million Dollar Man adventures. My classmates even jokingly called me Steve Austin from time to time — not in a good "He's as strong as the bionic man!" kind of way, but in a more insulting "Hah, he thinks he's the bionic man!" kind of way.