The original draft was written on a mechanical typewriter, with no right margin. It contains many shameful ethnic slurs against Japanese people. All spellings, punctuation, capitalizations, strings of exclamation points, etc. are as in the original.
"Boy, it sure is a beautiful day!", said Yakimoto Kimosabe, his voice obviously dubbed by an American actor. Yes, it was a beautiful day in Tokyo, since the smog alert was now below third stage. A day like this was perfect for launching a newly-designed space ship to planet zero, the former home of monster X (why not, since planet X was the home of monster zero, or Ghydra???).
Well, if it wasn't a third-stage smog alert before, it was now — the chemical thrust of the rocket's liftoff managed to kill 5½ people who breathed in the fumes. Well, whatever the sacrifice, it was worth it — after all, Japan was sending people off to planet zero to find a cure for smog and toxic chemical fumes!!!
That big space ship contained two big passengers: Yakimoto Kimosabe (remember him?) and Lilliota Lotusblossom (in case you haven't already figured it out, she's a girl). The spaceship had no Saturn V booster nor any staging features. The same spaceship assembly that was used to launch from earth was to be used to land on Planet 0 — and it was only four times the size of a Japanese man (about three times the size of an American one)!
Planet 0 was a recently discovered planet just outside the orbit of Pluto. They were going to name it Planet X, but that name had already been used. One hope was common amongst the Japanese: none of them wanted to find invading "punk rockers" on this world like they did on Planet X! Actually, everyone wasn't worried that much.
As soon as the spaceship left the Earth, it sent a radar beam out to Planet X, just to be sure that all the punk rockers were gone; they were going to Planet Zero en route of Planet X. As was expected, not only was the population of punk rockers gone, but so was Planet X.
Halfway during the journey, the spaceship encountered an asteroid (or really a meteor) travelling at them at approximately fifty miles per second. There was no chance of avoiding the meteor at that speed; they had to stop it. Fortunately, the spaceship was equipped with a new weapon called a Canon — a CANON AE-1 (another Japanese camera, in case you aren't up-to-date on your commercial watching). The CANON was aimed using its through-the-lense viewing zoom lense, and fired. The meteor was instantly disintegrated by the power of the flashbulb.
Even though the chances of the Japanese's scientists calculations of the spaceship's course being correct were about three thousand, four hundred fifty-six point five five six seven three to one, the spaceship made it down to Planet Zero intact. The landing ramp was lowered, and the temperature checked out to be 73 degrees farenheit, the atmosphere was 78% Nitrogen, and 21% Oxygen, and the radiation checked out to be none (hey, I thought heat and light were radiation, too!!!). Finally, Yakimoto Kimosabe and Lilliota Lotusblossom exited the spaceship without spacesuits (all alien planets in these Godzilla movies have breatheable atmospheres).
Lilliota inhaled a deep breath of Planet Zero air. It tasted exactly like animal sweat, probably that of Monster X. But maybe not (buh-buh-buh-buuuuuh!)....
The two walked around together (woo-WOO), searching for anything unusual or scientifically proven to destroy smog and toxic chemical fumes. Suddenly, the ground beneith their feet began to tremble.
The ground just to the front of them suddenly split open, as by a great Planetquake (Well, what else could make the ground shake?? Not an approaching monster!). Suddenly, a big bipedal 500-foot-tall monster came blundering over the horizon (So I was wrong — so sue me!!!).
Lilliota and Yakimoto began to retreat from the ominous monster. It would've easily overtaken them if not for the big canyon in the ground which had just formed by the monster's own artificial earth— excuse me, planet-quake. The monster's foot just happened to catch in that trench, and it tripped and fell. This gave Lilliota and Yakimoto a chance to escape to their spaceship.
They managed to close the airlock just as the monster got up, at which point the engines were started. Fortunately for them, the gas tank was still as full as when they left Earth, since no Japanese scientists know anything about real interplanetary rockets. And since the gravity on Planet Zero just happened to be equal to Earth's, the two were familiar with the launching proceedure.
As the two looked back down at the monster, they saw it cursing at them and
shaking its ... er ... fist. Fortunately, they were already six hundred
feet metres off the ground, just out of Monster whatever's jumping
range. Because all the other names for monsters had already been used up, the
creature was named "Monster Q".
Soon, the spaceship containing Yakimoto Kimosabe and Lilliota Lotusblossom had left the gravity field of Planet Zero (which was just outside the orbit of Saturn), and turned on the high-powered bunsen burner to bring them back to Earth.
Aha, but little did they know that since Monster Q was extraterrestreal, it could breathe and "fly" in space, since all axtraterrestreals have this ability. so naturally, it lept off Planet 0, and followed the spaceship all the way it was going. And all through the flight, Yakimoto and Lilliota had the strange feeling that they were being followed (I wonder why!).
The spaceship finally made it to Earth two days later (whoo, is that fast!!!), and made their re-entry into the atmosphere. Monster Q, however, didn't immediately dive down to the big blue planet's surface, but remained in orbit of this highly-polluted world. This planet was a large one (although not comparable to Jupiter or Saturn), so which place would he attack? Of course — JAPAN!!!!! And for that matter, why not Tokyo???!? After all, the other monsters all converged on this place, so why not follow the trend??
Monster Q suddenly swooped down out of orbit, streaked through the atmosphere, and glowed like a falling meteor (all monsters make flamboyant entries into Tokyo). It then struck the ground like a falling meteor. To no ones surprise, it was thought to dave been a falling meteor. And to no ones surprise, it was — the real Monster Q had snuk in the atmosphere hidden behind the meteor; otherwise, it would have burnt up! Fortunately for the writer of this idiot story, it didn't.
As a scientific team was coming to the scene of the crash, armed with such deadly weapons as giger counters, income tax, mega counters, sales tax, kilo counters, thumb tax, kitchen counters, and brass tax, Monster Q suddenly stood up and let out and Earth-shattering roar, which shattered the Earth (how about that?). Naturally, the scientists fled, and informed the army, navy, air force, marines, and national pea-shooters association about the big bad-guy.
Monster Q lumbered up out of the mountain crater the meteor had created. It was only thirty seconds 'till Tokyo for Monster Q, which as you may have guessed is not an original phrase. On his (further apologies to you womens' libbers) way, Monster Q managed to demolish twelve pine trees, eleven oaks, ten redwoods, nine firs, eight RV campers, seven half-full cesspools, six super-heroes, five golden jeeps, four TV stations, three killer sharks, two Gamera turtles, and a partridge in a pear tree-ee-ee-ee.
The armed services arrived at the scene with their best toy rockets, toy tanks, toy ray gun machines, and model airplanes (mostly F-86s). Though all the firing, shooting, gunning, and blasting, Monster Q remained intact. Finally, the air force sent in a B-52. It flew high over monster Q, and opened its payload bombay doors do drop a (dramatic pause) nuclear bomb. Suddenly, Monster Q glared up at the B-52, its eyes fixed on the center of its fusilage.
All-of-a-sudden, two bright white shafts of light sprang from the big monster's eyes, and made contact with the B-52. It had just uncovered its secret weapon.
The entire plane instantly began to go limp, as its body was deteriorating. Soon after, it began to go soft and mushy and turn — brown! Yes, within five seconds, the B-52 was transformed into a flying pile of manure, which promptly fell from the sky.
The army, navy, air farce, and marine corps of Japan promptly fled from the area, leaving Monster Q to do his bidding. There had to be some way to stop Monster Q — but how?
"Of course!", announced Yakimoto Kimosabe to that terrible actress Lilliota Lotusblossom. "Godzirra can stop him!!"
"Godzirra?", asked Lilliota. "What's a Godzirra?"
"Godzilla means Godzilla in Japanese!!!"
"Say, how many times has Tokyo been destroyed by monsters?"
"Oh, about seventy-eight."
"I guess one more time wouldn't hurt, then!!"
Well, no matter how many times Tokyo had been destroyed, Monster Q had to be stopped for the sake of the producer. But how was he going to be stopped? Of course! Godzilla!!!
Yakimoto raced up nearby Mt. Fuji (he was a professional mountain jumper), and stared off at the approaching Monster Q. Now, how could he be stopped? Of course — Godzilla!!!
He turned so that he was facing monster island. Now, which monster would he call? Of course: Godzilla!!!
He took in a big breath of air, and frantically cried, "Godzirra! Godzirra! We need ja to fight off Monster Q, Godzirra!!!". Afterwhich he heard Godzilla's return cry of, "Ne-EE! Noew, dodolododo!"
However, in this movie, like all other Godzirra, er ... Godzilla movies, there was this vast ocean between Tokyo and Monster Island which had to be swimmed. Thus, it seemed like Godzilla would have the usual 60-minute delay in getting there.
Now then, how were Yakimoto and Lilliota going to stall Big Q? They certainly weren't going to stop him by themselves; they didn't want to be brown and smelly the rest of their lives (neither do I, but that's another story...). Hmmm ... maybe they could call out the National Guar— naw, if the other 4 forces couldn't stop Monster Q, then how could they?
Well, it seemed like Monster Q would just have to go on destroying Tokyo for another movie-hour until Godzilla arrived at the scene or a six-year-old discovered either the monster's weakness or the secret alien outpost controlling him. Thus, the monster began:
First, he started with a light workout on a skyscraper on the outskirts of Tokyo. Making his right hand into an "ok" symbol, Monster Q brought the hand he had readied up to the nearby skyscraper (which was within arms' reach of about a mile-and-a-half, or sixty feet, whichever comes first), and lightly flicked it with his index finger. The all-glass 110-story construction teetered forward, and shattered to pieces. You know, after twenty-eight years and seventy-eight monsterous attacks, wouldn't you think they'd make Tokyo Monster-proof, just like Los Angeles is earthquake-proof???!?
Now Monster Q could get on to bigger things like the Tokyo Oil Field (that's all Tokyo is in these movies: skyscrapers and oilfields!). Monster Q took 3 (big) steps toward the oilfield. 75 steps later, he arrived. The first oil tank he simply destroyed by stepping on it, and by some freak of nature, setting it aflame. That was too easy. Therefore, the next oil tank he simply stared at and turned into manure in approximately 4.56278093 seconds (I'm sorry I couldn't get iot more accurately, I dropped my stopwatch at the time).
For thirty minutes, Monster Q continued to destroy three fourths of Tokyo, attacked occasionally by F-86's (of course) which he quickly eliminated without even using his secret weapon.
As Yakimoto was sadly witnessing the destruction, a local USA (United States of Anarchy) tourist walked up to him and began conversing.
Yakimoto quickly forgot him, and cast his eyes on the rampage of Monster Q once more. Suddenly, he felt as if something was wrong — out of place. Of course, that's it; the monster was coming at him! He looked across from him at Lilliota Lotusblossom standing at his side. She was not there. Instead was only a big, smelly pile of manure ... thank god! It sure smelt better than Lilliota!!!
However, this wasn't the time to be thankful, for the monster was sure to come after him next. He quickly ducked behind a giant boulder which just happened to be there, safely out of the Monster's eyesight. Unless, of course, he had X-ray vision (which, of course, he didn't, unfortunately).
Finally, Monster Q broke off the brutal attack on our "hero" and went back on his usual rounds of stepping on innocent Tokyo citizens. Poor Yakimoto. Stranded behind a boulder with no one to take advantage of. Do you think he was happy? You bet he was!
For another 30 minutes Monster Q demolished the remaining ¼ of Tokyo. Where was Godzilla? He was over 2 minutes and 45.78590294567333 seconds late (another approximation — I haven't recovered my stop watch yet)! Hmmm ... maybe he lost the way to Tokyo and ended up in some strange and foreign land like the United States! Oh, that would be horrible! He might get mugged in New York, earthquaked to death in Los Angeles, or choked from smog in either!! Nah, he'd never get lost — he never does!
Well, maybe he drowned ... un-unh, that's too obvious! Or maybe he's just plain inaccurate and late in getting places! What a brilliant and original idea!
Not only was it brilliant and original, but the idea was also absolutely correct — Godzilla was just emerging from the shoreline. Now the fate of all that was left of Tokyo (about twenty square feet) was in the big green monster's hands (or claws). The monster lumbered up onto the edge of Tokyo, and shouted his battle cry of "Ne-EE! Neow, dodolodoloo!" (the first spelling on page 5 was a misprint).
Monster Q, seeing a good-sized and worthy (or was that worthless?) opponent heading right for him, left the twenty square feet of undemolished Tokyo (which were actually depleted rice paddies) for a good workout and/or fight. Godzilla readied his claws, feet, and breath to defend Tokyo from the big menace. Each stood ready to face his opponent and give them such tortures as soap in the opponent's eye, a stubbed toe, and even pain!
Godzilla finally made the first move after about two hours of facing off Monster Q. He reached down by his feet and picked up a large chunk of skyscraper, which he promptly hurled at his opponent. Monster Q immediately countered by an extremely brilliant and unique move: ducking. Now, Monster Q made his first move: attacking with the claws that came attached to his body (the monsters in these movies never use their secret weapons until the last minute).
Godzilla made a great attempt to parry the blow to his body, but to no avail — Godzilla got his paint scratched. Now he was really mad — wardrobe had no possible way of dealing with such a problem. He became so enraged, in fact, that he engaged in a clawing attack of his own, and the battle waged onward.
After about ten minutes of useless inertia, both Godzilla and Monster Q had big claw marks wherever it hurt, but Monster Q seemed to be considerably less tired out than Godzilla, probably because he was popping speed between scenes. Another reason, perhaps, was that the people in the monster suits knew each other, and were of the opposite sex. Godzilla was a male, so I hope that with this given information you can figure out what the sex of the person who played Monster Q was. If not, talk to your mommy and daddy about "the birds and the bees". They will hopefully know what it means.
Monster Q could take this sexist pressure (or was that pleasure?) no longer. He (look back a few pages. You'll find it.) stepped back, stared at the weakened Godzilla, and let loose his sickening gaze weapon. Since Godzilla had never seen this before, and he never does anyway, he didn't have any idea of its effects. He quickly discovered it, however, when his beautiful green skin began to turn to a slimy brown. Besides, he realized suddenly that his Arrid Arrid Arrid Arrid X X had failed him! Realizing the potential danger of this new "ugliness ray", Godzirra (darn it! I did it again!)... Godzilla quickly jumped clear of Monster Q's eyes.
Yes, Godzirra was still alive — he had been exposed to Monster Q's rays for only a coulp of seconds — but he couldn't withstand another good exposure. His skin was already beginning to drip and turn mushy. The irises of his eyes were now brown. His claws were nearly useless. It would take at least half an hour to recover most of his body to normal; a full hour for complete recovery. He had only one chance — he had to use his bad breath.
Godzilla inhaled deeply, flailing his arms slowly as he did. At first Monster Q thought his brain might also have been transformed into manure from the looks of these actions, but the thought was quickly banished when he was thrown back a long distance by a stream of hot, blue, steamy morning breath.
Now, not only was Monster Q angry, but also he now had a brilliant plan on how to stop Godzilla (isn't it surprising that monsters who are too low on the evolutionary path to develop a good sized brain always seem to be able to come up with "brilliant plans"???!?) ... he'd throw rocks at him! (Now, wasn't that extremely brilliant?) No, not just "at him", but aimed directly for his "*JAWS*" (oops! ... sorry, wrong satire!). That way, it would probably stop his "*JAWS*" from functioning, and thus prevent him from using his bad breath. Essentially, he was going to give him a case of lockjaw! (You remember that! It's that big lake in Scottland — Loch Jaw!)
Woops! Monster Q spent so much time (a whole paragraph, in fact!) thinking of that brilliant plan that Godzilla hit "him" again with that Scopeless breath of his! Monster Q wasted no more time in finding a sizeable rock (Tokyo is just abounding in giant boulders), and hurling it at Godzirra (I must stop doing that!) ... Godzilla. The boulder just happened to hit Godzilla square on his big mouth, destroying his JAWS temporarily. Now it seemed that all hope was lost.
Monster Q stepped back from the crumpled green heap he'd just stoned. Godzilla tried desperately to open his mouth to use his breath weapon a third time, but it was locked in place.
But there was no hope for him. Monster Q gently lowered his head, and stared at Godzilla, readying his deadly gaze weapon. If monsters could snicker, then that's what Monster Q was doing.
Suddenly, the background music changed dramatically. Monster Q glanced up, since that's where most background music changes occur. Coming out of the north sky, through the clouds at approximately 33 thousand, 471.82897663 feet altitude (apology again, I dropped my tape measure), came a large, metallic-gray object with a big contrail of smoke spewing out the back, evidently for thrust. As it came closer its construction became evident — it was an Egyptian robot. GIANT ROBOT HAD COME BACK FROM HIS "VOYAGE INTO SPACE"!!!!!
Almost instantly, the little ten-year-old boy who had controlled him fifteen years ago (and was still ten) reappeared, and climbed "Mount Tokyo" so he could command Giant Robot once again.
Giant Robot, of course recognizing Monster Q having never seen him before, immediately bore down on Monster Q. Making an odd gesture with his arms, Giant Robot aimed his hands and fingers at Monster Q, out of which came eight tiny missles, one from each finger. Suddenly, the missles streaked out from the fingertips of Giant Robot, each poking a tiny, navel-sized hole in Monster Q, each about a foot-and-a-half in diameter. Then, before Monster Q could restore his metabolism, Giant Robot tripled the thrust output from his twin-rocket pack, fists forward, heading straight for Monster Q.
This time, Monster Q was going to stand his ground. His head twisted upward as he glared at the battleship-gray monolith, readying his gaze weapon once again. Godzilla, having partially recovered from manureness, wasn't going to let his only help turn brown and smelly; thus Godzilla forced himself to what were probably his hands and knees because of the position they occupied on what was apparently his body. He crawled quickly to the feet of Monster Q, and yanked them out from under his body. Now, when Monster Q was down, was the perfect time for Giant Robot to strike, which he/she/it wasted no time in doing. The double pile-driver punch he/she/it delivered was enough to force Monster Q halfway into the ground, at which point Godzilla crawled away and began to pry his lower JAW loose.
Meanwhile, Giant Robot had quickly sped away from Monster Q 'till he was at a safe distance, having flown to about a mile altitude. But would this stop good ol' Qey baybee? No way! If you remember, on page 3 I said Monster Q could fly! Thus, taking my implied advice (whoever I am), Monster Q took to the surrounding brown air in pursuit of Giant Robot. Godzilla simply had to stop him.
Godzilla, who by now had recovered enough to walk upright, summoned up all his available energy in an attempt to pry that lower JAW of his loose. Finger missiles were no match against manure rays. Harrrumph! Nuts! It didn't work. Of course it didn't — Godzilla had forgotten to remove the boulder from his mouth. Using very little Adenosine Triphosphate energy, Godzilla yanked the boulder from his mouth, which he was now able to open without the use of his hands, or whatever they were on the ends of his arms.
Meanwhile, Monster Q had already gotten Giant Robot in his sights, and had unloosed his gaze weapon. Giant Robot's battleship gray was changing into battleshi- brown. His solid, blocklike body was turning to mush. Godzilla had no time to lose. He quickly focused his head in the direction of Monster Q, inhaled deeply, and let out with a big blast of morning breath (I know, I know! It was late afternoon! But that was Tokyo time. Over here, it was approximately 6:32 and 45.89023654 seconds). Monster Q was instantly knocked from the sky (say, just where does "the sky" begin? At one foot altitude? Two meters? Seventy-eight point four four seven six seven dekameters?).
Monster Q quickly retained a standing position after landing on his feet (or is that supposed to be "cats land on their feet, giant monsters land on their ... well ..."?). Now he was angrier at both of the attackers. He attempted to do something he had never tried before: use one glaring eye per opponent. This was difficult, since he had never taken lessons in Marty Feldman before (he had been from a broken family of monsters in the slums of Planet Zero. There had been very few public schools in the vicinity which offered a course in Marty Feldman eyesight).
Monster Q split his double-retinal-optical-units away from their fulcrummal axis (his eyes went wild), and attempted to use one eye per attacker. Twin beams of brown light (I know they were supposed to be white — but that was then! Monster Q is not racially biased!!) streaked from his eyes, neither of which made contact. Well, so much for half a page of writing!
Giant Robot immediately took advantage of this opportunity. He straightened his arms out in front of himself, clenched his stainless steel hands into fists, and turned his rocketry pack on — full blast. He collided with Monster Q in midair, and continued to force him down, down, on to the thing we so inappropriately call, "the ground".
Monster Q plowed into the Earth with the help of Giant Robot. This would have zeroed almost all of Giant Robot's electrical power, had he not been using "Duracell" batteries at the time. And Giant Robot did not stop even there — he was determined not to let Monster Q escape without killing him first. Giant Robot began moving his fists in a one-two-one-two pattern, much like Muhammad Ali did before he began doing room defogger commercials.
Again and again came the pummeling fists of non-organic metal, pulverizing Monster Q's chest almost entirely. But the battle was not over yet ... Monster Q still had one stare left up his eye socket. Quickly, before he had a chance to die, Monster Q aimed his head up at Giant Robot, and opened his eyes, which since his midair collision had been closed. Godzilla, who had been watching all this, knew what was about to happen, and knew what he must do.
"The eyes," Godzilla told himself, although probably not in English. "I must hit the eyes, or that will be it for my only real help!"
With these words, Godzilla took in a big breath of smoggy air (partly natural from Tokyo, but partly from Giant Robot's rockets), and let out a big gust of steam aimed right for Monster Q's seeing ports (in all probability, his eyes). Fortunately for all mankind, the blue breath made its mark, sending Monster Q into a flurry of screaming and blindness. There was no hope for him now.
It seemed to be less than an instant of time when Giant Robot finished off Monster Q, and sent him hurling into space with one swift kick from his right leg. Presumably, Monster Q was on his way back to planet zero, not that it would make any difference to a dead body. Besides, that last battle had depleted Giant Robot's batteries completely. He would have to be hauled back to the lab for replacement of his 9,458,382½ D-sized duracell batteries.
You can always tell who's going to win in one of these "versus" movies —
whosever name is mentioned first! For example, in "King Kong Versus Godzilla",
King Kong won! In "Godzilla Versus Monster Q" (gee, where have I heard that
before?), Godzilla won! And in "Kramer Versus Kramer" ... well, anyway, you
get the idea!!!