APT. 2-B!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Copyright © 1974 by Roger M. Wilcox. All rights reserved.
(writing on this story began 2-Oct-1974)
The original draft was written on a mechanical typewriter, single-spaced, with arbitrary margins, before I'd learned about those pesky little things called "paragraphs." It was inspired by Jean Bothwell's 1964 children's novel The Mystery Gatepost, which we were reading in 4th grade (yes, fourth grade). All spellings, punctuation, strings of exclamation points, capitalizations, colors, etc. are as in the original. Many sentences begin with a word in ALL CAPS, because on this early typewriter I was in the habit of using the Shift Lock key to write capital letters — it eliminated the strain of holding down the Shift key while hunting for the letter I wanted to peck — and more often than not I would forget to disengage Shift Lock before typing the rest of the word. Unfortunately, without scanning it in and presenting an image, I can't really convey all the typewriter overstrikes and formatting oddities I had to slog through in the original.

You have been warned.

CHAPTER 1... trouble in the house ///..:.........................

ME, JHONNY, were walking through an old house, and, saw two doorknobs when there should have only been one. I turned the bottom one first, nothing happend. I turned the top one next I heard a small click. Then a small crack amerged in the wall. I put my hand on the wall, and, the crack widened. I thout, that, the brick had fallen in, whitch, operates a spring! then I went in, and, steped on something. I went back to pick it up, and it was covered with dust (from the floor). BUT it was still in good condition because it had no scratches on it. Then I noticed that it was a general Washington button (in the 1700's)!

CHAPTER 2: trouble in the secret passage................................

But when I went back to get out of the passage the door was closed tight. Then I thought, "there must be a spring pad on this side"! I jumped & pounded & even poked! But it was no good. Then I tried hollering, but the walls were too thick. Then I saw a small switch on the wall. Then I though, "if I pull down the switch maybe it will open the door. So I pushed the switch down, and, a door on top opened. SO I climed up the door, and, founed myself in the attic. THEN I went down the stairs, and, came to the bottom, when, I came to a dead end (thats what I thought). Then, when I pulled on the railing, a door opened in front of me. I was saved! Then I went to get some lunch. And then I saw a refrigerator that when I looked in back of it I saw a switch that said, "down on the bottom & up on the top." Then I pushed the switch up, and, a passage next to the refrigerator opened! Then I went in, and, there was a lever. I pushed the lever down, and, an elevator amerged in front of me. I went in, and, I went down to an old lab. whitch had been forgotten for many years! Then I went back to finish eating. THEN I saw a small bump on the wall. I pushed the bump in, and, a hole appeared on the floor.

CHAPTER 3: TROUBLE IN THE PIT............................

THEN I went down into the pit, and, I came to an old mining shaft. THEN I went along the railroad, and, I saw an old mining car. Then I saw a clump of gold! The gold was in the car, and, I noticed that, the gold was all around me to! THEN I thought, "this must have been an 1802 mining shaft"! Then I went back with a small piece of gold to drink my milk (milk is good for you). Then, after lunch, I climed the south piller, and, the capstone turned around slowly but powerfully. THEN I saw a magesticly high tree. WIth a large computer built in to the bottom of the tree! So I pressed a few buttons, and, all kinds of things started happening! The trees branches started to go up-and-down, so, I pressed the 'off' button, and, the whole tree turned off. THEN I went back to find another mystery. THEN I put my foot on the floor, and, a passage on top of me. SO I went in, and, an endless escalator was in front of me! SO I went on the escalator, and, it took 10 hours to get someplace in it. AND I landed in china. I went to a chinese restaurant (luckaly carriing some chinese money). And, brout a fortune cookie. The fortune said, "HELP! I am being held prisoner at '1228 smith blvd.' come quickly! SO I did. AND, I wound up being prisoner too! SO I TRied to get out, but it was no good. THEN I TRIED hollering. but no one came! SO I waited and waited......................

CHAPTER 4: TROUBLE IN THE ESCALATOR..........................

AND, nobody came. BUT THEN I heard a small knock. Then someone said "I have come to get you two out". And he did it. so I went back to the house to find another mystery. finding another mystery was hard. BUT I saw a button on the wall. SO I pressed it, and, the wall opened, and there was a tape recorder in front of me. THE TAPE said, "turn the knob in front of you and turn on your back, then go over to the door and look under the mat." SO I did. And an escalator appeared in front of me. SO I went on it, and, down down I went. AND I came to an old recked ship. SO I took a few supplies up to find another mystery. It was hard to find another mystery. BUT I saw an old wagon wheel. SO I turnd it, and, a passage in back of me opened. SO I went in, and, an old computer appeared in front of me (in the 1700's). SO I pressed a few buttons, and, all kinds of things started happening. Rocks started bouncing up-and-down, back-and-forth and around-and-around. THEN I pressed the 'off' button, and, everything turned off. SO I went back to find another mystery. finding another mystery was hard. BUT I saw a small button. SO I PRESSED IT, AND, a door in the corner opened. SO I went in, and, a machine appeared in front of me.

CHAPTER 5: TROUBLE IN THE MACHINE........................

SO I went in, and, saw more things than I've ever dreamed. SO I pulled a lever, and, back in time I went. 1970, 1960, 1950, 1940, 1930, 1920, 1910, 1900, 1890, 1880, 1870, 1860, 1850, 1840, 1830, 1820, 1810, 1805, 1800. THEN I got out, and, there werent any cars! Only horses! SO I WALKED around, and, saw a wagon wheel. SO I picked it up, and, a guy said, "that will be $2 sir". $2 is that all? The guy said, 'YES' oh I said. SO I brout it. SO I went back to find another mystery. BUT when I went back, the time machine got stuck at, "1930"! SO I went to buy a car, and, they costed too much! SO I went without a car. then I went back too see what went wrong whith the time machine. AND, I saw that the battery quit! FOR it was old and tired out. SO I stuck around 1930 for a spell. THEN I saw a sighn that said, 'battery shop'. SO I went in, and, the guy said, "that will be $2 sir". $2 is that all then he said, 'yes'! SO I brout it. And, put it in the time machine. AND, I went in, and forward in time I went: 1940, 1950, 1960, 1970, 1980, 1990, 2000, 2010, 2020, 2030, 2040, 2060, 2080, 2100, 2125, 2150, 2175, 2200, 2250, 2275, 2300, 2320, 2340, 2360, 2380, 2400, 2420, 2430, 2440, 2445, 2450. Then I got out, and, I saw every body riding electric cars...............................................

CHAPTER 6: A RHYME IN TIME SAVES NINE! OR: PARSLY SAGE ROSEMARRY & TIME!

SO I went along the side walk, and, I saw a coin; a 1963 dime! SO I picked it up, and, I thought, "the money for this must be great! SO I went over to a coin store, and, it was $6 for it! SO I went, and, shure enough I got $6 for it. Then I went to go back to 1974! SO I went back in the time machine, and, back in time I went! 2430, 2420, 2400, 2375, 2350, 2325, 2300, 2250, 2200, 2150, 2100, 2050, 2025, 2000, 1980, 1975, 1974. Then I GOT OUT to find another mystery. Finding another mystery was hard. BUT I saw a small button. SO I pressed it, and, a small wheel. SO I turned it, and, a passage opened in front of me! SO I went in, and, a flying saucer was in front of me. So I got in, and, off the ground I went! ................;..................

CHAPTER 7: TROUBLE IN THE SKY.....................................

And I landed on mars. SO I walked around, and, I saw a martion! SO I talked to him for a while. Then I went back in the saucer to go back to earth. But when I went in the saucer ran out of power when I got to the moon! SO I stuck around the moon for a spell. And I gased the saucer, and, I took off. SO I went back to find another mystery. Finding another mystery was hard. BUT I saw a small tear in the wall. So I looked into it, and, I saw a small button. SO I pressed it, and, a rocket was in front of me! SO I went in, and, it blasted off! SO I went into space, and, landed on Saturn! BUT THEN I noticed that, the rocket was out of gas. AND I noticed that there was gasoline in the atnosphere. Then I noticed that, "thats what made the gas on the moon"! SO I gased the rocket (with the atnosphere), and, I blasted twards earth. THEN, WHEN I landed on earth, I went back to find another mystery, this makes 13 mysteryes! THEN I saw a small switch on the wall. SO I FLIPED IT, and, another pit. SO I went in, and, a small button appeared in front of me  SO I pushed it, and, all kinds of things started happening  And, during that, whithout my noticing it, the entrance & exit closed! SO when everything stoped, I could'nt get out. SO I stuck around the pit for a wile................................

CHAPTER 8: DOWN TO THE BOTTOM....................................

THEN I noticed a small switch and I thought, "this must open the door"! SO I fliped it, and, it opened an underground passage to the south pillar (whitch was another mystery I talked about earlier). THEN I thought, "that piller must be hollow"! AND, I looked, and, sure enough, the pillar was hollow. SO I looked up the pillar, and, there was a motor connected to the capstone. But there was 13 mysterys left to solve. THEN I saw an old opening in the wall and thought, "this must solve this mystery". AND, sure enough it did. for there was a wire conected from the opening to both controls. So I tuned the wire around a little bit, and, the door opened. only 12 more left! SO I went back to solve another mystery. THEN I saw the time machine. So I looked at the wires, and, I saw the wires were in a certain way, that, you go anyway in time you want! THAT solved another mystery. Only eleven mysterys left to solve. Then I saw the saucer right in front of me. THEN I looked at the wires, and, I SAW that it seemed to soak up gravity for its power to get off planets. ONLY 10 more mysteries left to solve. THEN I saw the, "down", escolator, and, I saw an endless wire, leading down. 9 more mysteries left to solve! THEN I saw the "up" escolator, and, the same ol thing. An endless   only this time leading up. 8 more left to solve. Then I saw the passage whitch I first saw. ..................................

CHAPTER 9: I FOUND IT..................................................

THEN I saw that, I was right about the stone on the wall. BUT, I noticed there was the same thing about the doorknob. 7 more left to solve. Then I saw the lab passage. Then I saw that the elevator was normal, but the passage opened by cabal too. 6 more to solve. THEN I noticed that all the passages worked that way.

• The title Apt. 2-B was inspired by the newspaper soap-opera comic Apartment 3-G, which I never actually read. I presume that in addition to the main characters living in an actual apartment numbered 3-G (presumably on the 3rd floor of their apartment building), the 3-G also stands for "3 girls".
• You may be asking yourself, "Self, how come the author calls himself 'JHONNY' when his name is Roger?" Well, from about age 8 to age 10, I was convinced that I was a genie named Johnny who came from an alternate universe called Cartoonland. I entered this universe through a billboard in Minnesota, but in the process lost my genie powers and became a baby, whom my "mom" mistook for her own child. It was a lot more fascinating than just being an ordinary flesh-and-blood human kid who really was my mom's own child. Read my Johnny the Genie page for more details on this epoch in my life.
• The notion of computers causing objects to move around probably came from the SuperFriends episode "Professor Goodfellow’s G.E.E.C.". At the time this was written, "computer" conjured up images of rooms filled with refrigerator-sized cabinets sporting reel-to-reel tape drives and scads of brightly-lit buttons.
• The notion of a 1930s car costing too much, even by 1974 standards, was inspired by my learning of the Duesenberg. These were luxury sports cars sold in the 1920s and '30s, typically priced in excess of $30,000. At the time I learned of this, I had no notion of luxury and cheap cars existing side-by-side, so I assumed that all cars cost $30,000 in 1930.
• The title of chapter 6 was inspired by the pun-intensive dual titles of most Rocky & Bullwinkle episodes.
• The notion of gasoline being present in Saturn's atnosphere [sic] came from a bedtime story my dad made up as he went along. In this story, I was riding a super-rugged spacecraft down through the atmosphere of Jupiter (which is very similar to Saturn). At the deepest layers, my dad speculated that the environment would consist almost entirely of long-chain hydrocarbons, e.g. waxy paraffins. Well, if there were long-chain hydrocarbons way way down deep, maybe there were short-chain hydrocarbons (e.g. octanes) higher up!

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