The original, 24-page version of
"Star Trick: The Ion Tempest"
Copyright © 1982 by Roger M. Wilcox. All rights reserved.
(writing on this script began 17-October-1982)
The original draft was written on an electric typewriter, which lacked square
bracket  characters. It was inspired by my English teacher's revelation that
Forbidden Planet was just Shakespeare's The Tempest ... in
All spellings, punctuation, capitalizations, weird Shakespearean
allusions, etc. are as in the original.
You have been warned.
KIRK'S VOICE: Captain's log, stardate 2.71828. We are currently in orbit around
the planet Seymoremalomaly, and have come here in search of -
SPOCK: That's my show!
KIRK'S VOICE: Shut up. In search of dilithium crystals for our warp engines,
like we always do in every show, which is stupid because they're not supposed
to break down 'till after five years of use. Unfortunately, we were viciously
seized by a trigger incident, and are now in the midst of an ion storm of
intensity ... of intensity ... well, anyway it's pretty darned big.
KIRK: Aye, matey! Hoist the mainsail! Batten down the hatches!
SULU: Right, sir - going to warp drive, and activating the shields.
CHECKOV: Hello dere, capteen - hic!
KIRK: Checkov, you Russian from Sebastia, you! Have you been sipping at the
CHECKOV: Me? Drink - hic! - Romulan Ale? I never touch blue drinks, especially
when they're from Romula. I only drink good old all American - hic! - Russian
Wodka! And I never sip when I can drink it all down in a gulp!
KIRK: Never mind, just get back to your station, which I presume is NBC. Spock,
how are we doing?
SPOCK: Not too good, captain. The ion storm appears to be dragging us down
toward a locked-orbit with Seymoremalomaly. And by the way, in the time it took
me to say that word you could have slammed a drawer shut two thousand, three
hundred seventy-eight times. Choosing such long planetary names is highly
KIRK (gritting his teeth): Okay, mister logic! (He relaxes)
Scotty, get me full warp power - FAST!
SCOTTY: Ach, but cap'n sir, the dilithium crystals are breakin' down into their
KIRK: What's their natural state?
SCOTTY: Oatmeal, sir! If it continues at this rate, the antimatter we generate
could pour cream and sugar all over 'em and eat 'em all up!
KIRK: Don't tear your hear out just yet, Scotty. Dilithium based oatmeal is
very cold and lumpy, and I don't think the antimatter would have much of an
appetite for it.
KIRK: What was that?
SPOCK: An explosion, sir.
KIRK: I know that, but from what?
SPOCK: Probably something going "Boom."
KIRK (slowly turning purple): Brilliant ... Spock ... !
SPOCK: Why are you turning purple, captain? Turning purple at a time like this
seems most illog -
KIRK: NO!! PLEASE, DON'T SAY IT!!!!!
SPOCK: Okay, then, I won't say that it's most illogical.
KIRK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (wiping his forehead) Whew! I feel much better now.
Okay, Scotty, shut down the warp drive. I hate oatmeal just as much as you do.
Sulu, keep the stabilizers going - it looks like we're gonna have to stay the
course with this storm. Spock, did you pinpoint that explosion?
SPOCK: No, but I have located it.
KIRK (turning purple again): Okay, logic breath, then what was it?
SPOCK: It was our Plaster Blaster banks being destroyed by the ion storm.
KIRK: But ... that's impossible!
SPOCK: No, captain, that's incredible.
CATHY LEE: That's my show!
SPOCK: Shut up.
KIRK: How could the ion storm get through our shields?
SPOCK: Simple; you never raised our shields in the first place.
KIRK: Why didn't you tell me?!
SPOCK: You didn't ask.
KIRK: Okay, then, raise the shields.
SPOCK: Sorry, captain. The entire crew has scattered from their stations and is
now hiding in the brig.
SPOCK: They're afraid of the storm. You should have read them a bedtime story.
KIRK: Grrrrrrrmmmmmph! Isn't there anything we can do?
SPOCK: Ride out the storm.
KIRK: Oh, all right. Checkov, what's the data we have on the planet
Seymoremalom (the ship lurches to one side, and the crew jump around a bit)
CHECKOV: No data, sir - hic! - but that planet down there sure looks forbidden.
KIRK: Forbidden ... Planet.... Yeeee-haaaaaa!
SPOCK: What are you screaming about, captain? Screaming for happiness is highly
KIRK (ignoring Spock's comment): Sit back and relax, folks, I know exactly
what's going to happen in this episode.
BONES: Well, what is it, and be quick about it! I don't have all day! Blast it,
Jim, we're dying!!
KIRK: Gentlemen and Uhura, we're going to re-enact Shakespeare's "The Tempest!"
KIRK'S VOICE: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship
Undersized. It's three TV-season mission: to explode strange new worlds; to
seek out new life in old Shakespearean plays; to boldly go where no one has
ever cared to go before!
--- STAR TRICK---
PROSPERO: Out here on an uncharted island, things get mighty lonely. But
there's one thing that always keeps me in touch with civilization, and that's
good old Folders coffee substitute. It looks and almost tastes like real coffee
should. (he sips some out of a non-corporeal coconut shell) Mmmmm ... mmmm! And
it helps keep down the population too. So take it from a wizard who knows:
drink Folders coffee substitute; it'll really help to (Ariel appears) ... raise
ANNOUNCER: Folders coffee substitute. Made from 100% real synthetic plastic.
It's the best drink for stormy weather.
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, we return to "Star Trick."
SULU: Sir, the storm's just knocked out our shield generators and our Albedo
KIRK: Great, then. We're completely unarmed and have no defenses whatsoever.
SCOTTY: Ach, cap'n, the dilithium crystals have just overloaded themselves!
They've been eaten up by the antimater, our warp power is fading fast, the ion
storm is finishing off the engine pods, and - ach, I just canno' take it any
KIRK: Well, that doesn't matter now. The ion tempest seems to be weakening as
we approach a stable orbital position. I just have the funny feeling that we're
(The picture moves back to reveal that the bridge of the Undersized was only an
image on a crystal dodecahedron. In front of the crystal there is an old man
who looks suspiciously like Ricardo Montalban rubbing his chin in thought)
KHAN: Jes ... jes ... !
KHAN: Jes, my pet. Jou will see your prescious marooner very shortly. For
twelve long years I have awaited your arrival, ... Captain ... Kirk, and now at
last I will see you. Twelve years since you stranded me here on Seymoremalomaly
in the Starship Cordoba. Getting you back here now, I will at last be able to
show you the wrath of Khan! That has always been my ... Fantasy!
(Fantasy Island music)
TATOO: Boss, boss, de Starship! De Starship!
KHAN: Jes, Tatoo, I see it! I am glad I found you on this deserted planet. You
have acted well, but rather uselessly, as my personal slave.
TATOO: True, boss. But don't you think it's kind of strange that on a planet
totally unlike Earth you would find a species that has evolved to look exactly
KHAN: That's never bothered ole Gene Roddenberry before! Remember the Vulcans?
TATOO: Oh, yeah. Never mind. Boss, why aren't I named Caliban, or even Caliboo?
KHAN: Because, Tatoo, that was never my ... Fantasy!
(more Fantasy Island music)
KIRK: Dr. McCoy, what can you do about our present situation?
BONES: I'm a doctor, not an ion storm disruptor!
KIRK: The ion storm's not that bad. All we need is a little impulse power to
keep our orbit stable, and we'll be all set.
BONES: I'm a doctor, not an impulse engine engineer!
KIRK: Okay, be that way! See if I care! Spock, how's our orbit doing?
SPOCK: Our orbit is not following a logical path. (he ignores Kirk's cry of
agony) If we maintain our present course, we should set down on the surface of
the planet at a rate of about five meters per second.
KIRK: That's not even a crash-landing! Do you know the odds against an entire
starship setting down in a high gravitational field at a soft landing speed?
SPOCK: Yes, I do. They're -
KIRK: Never mind! My guess is that somebody's making us land.
SPOCK: Why anyone would want us to land on a barren, forbidden hunk of fiddle
farp like Seymoremalomaly seems most illogical.
KIRK: Shove it, Spock, we're (the ship rocks violently, this time like a jerk
in the vertical dimension) What was that?
SULU: We just set down on Seymoremalomaly's surface.
KIRK: Okay, everybody, it's time to leave the ship and roam around on a planet
we know nothing about again. Everyone arm themselves with Radar Rayguns, and
check in with the ship every centar.
SPOCK: Wrong show, captain.
KIRK: Okay, then, every four hundredth of a fortnight. (I love the British
system, don't you?) Spock, you stay behind.
SPOCK: But why, captain?
KIRK: Well, somebody's gotta stay here and take care of the ship, so it might
as well be you, pointy-ears!
(Kirk, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, Checkov, and Uhura all leave, leaving Spock behind
to shrug off the whole situation as highly illogical, especially since they're
leaving by opening the dome above the bridge without first checking to see
whether the atmosphere outside is breatheable)
KIRK: I suggest we split up.
SCOTTY: Ach, but why cap'n?
KIRK: Look! (he shows him Act II of The Tempest)
BONES: Blast it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Shakespearean Actor!
KIRK: That ploy won't work this time, Bones. You were once Romeo in a
production of Romeo and Juliet.
BONES: That was in sixth grade!
SPOCK'S VOICE (from Kirk's Communicator he's holding in front of McCoy): Grades
are highly illogical.
BONES: Now I see why you turn purple. All right, I'll go along with it.
KIRK: Okay. Checkov, you and Uhura go thataway.
CHECKOV: Sure thing, cap - hic! - tain. Hey, Uhura, baby, how'd you like some
American - hic! - Russian Wodka?
UHURA: Love some. Romula knows, it's been a long time since I've had a drink
(she sneers at Kirk as she leaves)
KIRK: Scotty, you go alone thataway.
SCOTTY: Ach, alright, cap'n (aside) At last! Now I can stop talking with that
inane Scottish accent!
KIRK: Sulu, you and Bones come with me.
BONES: But why?
KIRK: Because I need some witty conversation to take the viewing audience's
mind off the fact that this planet set is exactly the same one we used for
Triancus, Vulcan, and every other non-Earth class M terrestrial in the series.
BONES: I'm a doctor, not a conversationalist!
KIRK: That'll do just fine! Cone along ...
ANNOUNCER: We'll return after these messages.
BALTAR: I've got you in my sights, Adama! You're dead meat!
ADAMA: Oh, frak! We're going to be fried!
ROBERT YOUNG: Easy, Adama! It's only the human race.
ADAMA: I know. Dr. Z says I've been getting too much caffeine.
ROBERT: Well, then you should try Sucka brand.
ADAMA: But I only like real synthetic coffee.
ROBERT (drawing his laser pistol): Frak it, Adama, Sucka brand is real
ROBERT: Wrong Robert!
ADAMA: Okay, okay! I'll drink it!
--- Three sectons later---
ROBERT: Well, Adama, how goes the ol' battle?
ADAMA: Just great, thanks to you and Sucka bra -
ANNOUNCER: Sucka Brand decaffeinated synthetic coffee. For people who don't
want to mind getting blown up.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, back to "Star Trick."
BONES: Jim, what's this blasted plant here? I picked it up half an hour ago
and I haven't been able to figure out what in blazes it is!
KIRK: Well, let's find out (he takes out his communicator) Computer!
COMPUTER: Hi there!
KIRK (shutting his communicator in embarrassment): ooops ... heh heh, wrong
computer. (he opens his communicator once more) Real computer!
REAL COMPUTER: Yes. What-the-felgercarb-do-you-want?
KIRK: I want to know -
COMPUTER: Hurry-up. I-haven't-got-all-24-hour-period!
KIRK: Will you let me finish?
COMPUTER: No. You-never-take-me-out-to-dinner!
KIRK: That's because you don't eat!
COMPUTER: How-do-you-know-I-don't-eat? Is-it-that-you've-seen-me-not-eating?
KIRK: Computer, shut up! Don't make an ass out of U or me! Spock!
SPOCK: Yes, Captain? I presume the computer was acting highly illogical
KIRK (aside): I don't know which is worse, him or that non-logical counterpart
of his! (to Spock) Spock, how's the ship doing?
SPOCK: Well, its fever's down, and repairs are being made on the crippled
weapons systems. But without new dilithium crystals, the warp engines can't
KIRK: Well is there any dilithium on this planet?
SPOCK: I'll ask the computer. (a loud clanging and clashing sound comes from
the communicator, and this slowly calms down into polite beeps and hums)
According to the readings, there is exactly 2.6 grams of dilithium on this
KIRK: Well, where is it located?
SPOCK: All over. The amound is negligible.
KIRK: Then that means ... we're stranded!
KIRK: I just hope that whoever our Prospero turns out to be, he's a nice one.
KHAN (looking at the scene in his crystal dodecahedron): Don't you wish ...
captain ... Kirk! Ariel!
KHAN: Ariel, go forth. Give ... captain ... Kirk a workout he'll never
ARIEL: Hraaaagnaaaag! (It leaves the scene)
KHAN: You Dachshunds are all alike, but I love you all the same, Miranda. Jes,
soon ... captain ... Kirk will be in our clutches. Whatever's left of him, that
SCOTTY (wandering in to Khan's starship): Hey, this ship don't look so hot! I
mean, it is o-old! Them warp engines look like they have enough ionic build-up
without ever being used. The walls are still painted (yecch!) white! The
Federation hasn't used white since -
(Miranda and Scotty exchange glances, and they both realize that it is true
SCOTTY (embracing Miranda): Oh, doggy! You're so cool, man! I mean like doggy -
KHAN (barging in): Her name is Miranda!
SCOTTY (suddenly setting Miranda down): Ach! Aye, she is a fine lassie of a
dog, this Mirando.
SCOTTY: Like I be sayin', Miranda.
KHAN: So, you have fallen instantly in love with my dog.
SCOTTY: Well, maybe not really truly in deep hyper-theoretical love, but -
KHAN: If you want to claim her, you will have to run some ... errands.
SCOTTY: Aye, I'd do anything for the little bitch - er, dog.
KHAN: Good. Then assist Tatoo in his work.
SCOTTY: Aye, what be a Tatoo?
TATOO: Boss, you got me a buddy!
KHAN: That be Tatoo.
SCOTTY: Aye, he sure looks like an able-bodied shrimp. What should I do with
KHAN: You will perform his duties along with him, and when he's not around, you
will keep performing his duties without him, since you obviously can't perform
his duties with him when he's not there.
SCOTTY: But wha'll we be doin'?
KHAN: Oh, shining my crystal dodecahedron, polishing my starship from the
outside, bringing me my magic wands when I call for them - you know, slave
SCOTTY: Okay. But by the by, would ya happen to know what the name o' this
KHAN (majestically): This is the starship ... Cordoba!
SCOTTY: How do you do that?
KHAN: I have a deal with the Chrystler corporation. I also have a compact with
Fantasy Island, being Mr. Roarke, and I further have a monopoly on random
chance, being a great wizard.
SCOTTY: How'd you get to be a wizard?
KHAN: It was my ... Fantasy! (Fantasy island music plays) As you know, I am
also a product of twentieth century engineering, and therefore posess nearly
super-human strength and intelligence. In fact, I am almost 23.875 times as
strong as you mentally and - wake up.
SCOTTY: ZZZ - Oh, did you say something?
KHAN: Never mind, it wasn't important. Now, get to work. Tatoo! Tatoo? Now,
where did that human copy go?
CHECKOV: Hic! Hey, is O'hura an Irish name?
UHURA: No, silly - he he he - it's Swahili! How many Irish people do you know
of with the name Uhura?
CHECKOV: Well ... er ... - hic! - none.
UHURA: And how many people who are Swahili do you know who are named Uhura?
CHECKOV: To date? About one.
UHURA: There, silly - he he he - see my point?
CHECKOV: Oh, Uhura, you're so - hey!
UHURA: I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not.
CHECKOV: Who is this little guy?
TATOO: I am not a little guy! I am Tatoo, the little guy from Fantasy
CHECKOV: Let's hear it for people who contradict themselves! (He drinks from
his bottle of Wodka - er, Vodka) What are you doing around here, anyway?
TATOO: I'm running away from my master.
CHECKOV: But why would you do something - hic! - like that?
TATOO: Because he is evil, nasty, mean, and rotten!
CHECKOV: So? He doesn't sound too bad. Who is he?
TATOO: He is Khan.
CHECKOV: Marx and Engles! No wonder you ran away!
TATOO: What are you people, anyway?
UHURA: Well, I'm Swahilian.
CHECKOV: And I'm Sebastian.
TATOO: Well, Sebastian and - what did you say your name was?
TATOO: Sebastian and Uhura, can I have a drink of that Wodka?
CHECKOV: Nope - hic! - but you can have all the Wodka you want.
TATOO: Thanks! (he grabs the bottle and empties it down his throat) Aah! I like
you, - hic! - Sebastian. In fact, I like you a lot better than I do Khan.
CHECKOV: I hate Khan.
TATOO: Me too. Hey, you want to - hic! - kill him?
UHURA: He he he - sounds like fun.
TATOO: Okay, then, let's go for it! This shall be the day that Khan dies!
CHECKOV (to Uhura): He's forgetting that the days on Seymoremalomaly - hic! -
are three weeks long!
ANNOUNCER: We will return after these messages....
(Kirk takes out 5 Klingons with a hand phaser)
ANNOUNCER: You've had a hard day fighting the Empire back, and now -
SPOCK: Captain, it is most logical to assume that it is Muller Time.
JOE COUNTRY: When it's time to relax ... one beer stands clear ...
KIRK: Oh, shut up!
KIRK'S PHASER: Fewewewewewewe!
SPOCK: A most logical decision, captain.
ANNOUNCER: Muller Beer. The one beer brewed with choice Vulcan hops and Romulan
barley. Beer's never been so logical.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, back to the program.
KIRK: I can't understand why we haven't found Prospero yet. You have any ideas?
BONES: I'm a doctor, not a playwrite!
SULU: What puzzles me, captain, is that we don't know who Prospero is in
BONES: And what puzzles me is that after fourty-five minutes I still don't know
what the hell this blasted plant is!
KIRK: And what puzzles me is -
KIRK: Oh, nuts! We got a mean Ariel this time, folks! (he draws his pistol, and
fires, but nothing comes out) My Radar Raygun! It doesn't work!
BONES (grabbing it, inspecting it briefly, putting it to his ear, and tossing
it away): It's dead, Jim.
KIRK (rolling up his sleeves): Well, then, it looks like I'm gonna have to
engage in hand-to-hand combat!
(Kirk begins to punch the bestial Arial to the tune of background
fistfight-in-the-halls music. Ariel is quickly subdued, and although it never
really touched Kirk, he still has his shirt torn)
KIRK: Well, that's one less character we'll have to worry about! Bones, see if
you can get any readings on this dude.
BONES: That's gonna be pretty hard to do, seeing that the body is disappearing!
KIRK: You're right, forget about that thing for now. Sulu, give me some
SULU: Okay, how about 56-27-76-90-1432?
KIRK: Those sound good to me. Okay, let's get going.
BONES: Where to?
KIRK: The same way we've been heading.
BONES: But what about those coordinates?
KIRK: Who needs 'em. I just wanted some coordinates to liven up the situation.
But I am heading forward on purpose. I just have a feeling that it's the
right way ...
(Ben Kenobi's Theme)
KHAN: So, ... Mister ... Scott, how comes your work?
SCOTTY: Ach, but it's hard. But I'd endure twice as much if it means being with
KHAN (thinking with that evil look that schemers use when they're scheming):
Hmmm ... fine then. I have but one more task for you.
SCOTTY: Name it, and if it's within my power, I'll do it.
KHAN: Repair this starship.
SCOTTY: This old heap o' felgercarb?
KHAN: Jes, this old heap of fiddle farp! I want to ride once again on the seas
of space in the starship ... Cordoba!
SCOTTY: When I was a'comin' into this place, I took a look at your engines,
like all good engineers do. Your impulse engines look like they could be up to
working capacity in no time a'tall, but your warp engines look as though they'd
been run through a wringer an' hung out to rot. If you turned them on, you'd be
lucky if the ion build up didn't make 'em explode.
KHAN: Well, then fix the impulse engines first. I don't care how badly the warp
drive is shot, the dilithium is still in good working order. I figured that out
myself, having such a high genetically-spawned intelligence when compared to
SCOTTY: Yeah - yawn! - I know that. All right, I be gettin' to work on yer
engines, but no promises about the thing that right now I wouldn't even call a
warp drive. (he goes off to the engine place)
KHAN: Jes, I know you love him, my pet. But he is about to help me solve a
great injustice that has been done to me in the past by ... captain ... Kirk.
Now, go make breakfast, Miranda, while I check on the condition of Tatoo.
MIRANDA: Arf! (she heads off to the kitchen)
TATOO (reaching the outside of the starship Cordoba): Okay, thees is my old
boss' - hic! - starship. See, it says so right here: "USS Cordoba, property of
the boss." Aw, isn't that nice - he even left the door open so we could come in
and surprise him before we killed him!
CHECKOV: I don't know - hic! - about this. Leaving the door open looks a bit
suspicious to me. Uhura, what does Spock say?
UHURA: Don't ask me, silly.
CHECKOV: You're right. (he opens his communicator) Spock, what do you say?
SPOCK: Well, I usually say, "That's highly illogical," but depending on the
situation I have been known to say other things.
CHECKOV: So what? Geeve me some information I can use!
SPOCK: All right. We are currently in the star system of Grimlador, thirty
light-years distant from the system of Aritarium, home of the planet
Malokanastria VII. We are also running dreadfully low of peanut butter up here
on the bridge. See if you can locate any peanut butter mines on the planet.
CHECKOV: Forget it, meester half-breed. We've found Khan, and now we're going
to destroy him.
SPOCK: Destroying someone as powerful as Khan would seem most illogical. He
could be put to so many good uses - a hat or umbrella rack, for instance.
CHECKOV: Ah, go marry a computer! (he shuts his communicator) Let's go - I've
been wanting to do this for a long time.
(They enter, and are face-to-face with the man himself before they know what
KHAN: Score one for brilliant eyesight!
(Checkov draws his pistol and pulls the trigger, but gets the same response as
CHECKOV: My Radar Raygun! It doesn't work!
KHAN: It seems I've heard that line somewhere before.
CHECKOV: Why does this happen on every other episode?
KHAN: I don't know. But this time, it was part of my ... Fantasy!
(Fantasy Island music)
KHAN: Besides, I've taught myself the art of wizardry. I am 23.875 times as
intelligent as any of you, and am also extremely strong, thanks to my
ironed-out genetic background, unlike you, who are only -
CHECKOV (trying to act as sober and as disinterested as possible, the latter of
which ain't too hard): Hey, Khan! Your robes are wrinkled!
KHAN: Where? Where?
(As Khan looks down at his robes, Checkov swings his empty Wodka bottle at his
head, which shatters on impact. Khan simply looks up, rather disgusted, and
hits Checkov on his chest with the back of his hand, which sends him flying
across the room into a wall, knocking him out.
Uhura immediately steps up to him, and swings her fist. Khan
avoids the blow effortlessly, and the miss sends Uhura spinning around until
she falls down and gets knocked out on the pavement. Tatoo simply stares in
disbelief, wondering why he ever allowed himself to get in the company of that
pair of goons)
KHAN: Now is where my wizardry comes in! Eye of potato, wing of bat, leg of
lamb, and all of that; Take these people who don't use Scope, and tie them up
with a magical rope!
(In a flash of cheap special effects, the three are siting back-to-back, tied
with a non-corporeal rope, muttering curses in three different languages, and
not quite all conscious, including Tatoo)
KHAN: There ... jes ... jes ... I have you now!
KIRK: Not quite, Prospero!
KHAN (turning): Captain ... Kirk!
KIRK (suddenly recognizing him): Khan!
BONES: Blast it, you two, this is no time to reminisce about old times!
KIRK: Okay, so our Prospero isn't exactly a nice one. All right, Khan, you've
had it (he starts rolling up his sleeves) It's hand-to-hand combat time again!
(Kirk lays into Khan, and hits him about five times as hard as he can in his
stomach. Khan non-chalantly picks him up and hurls him against another wall
that he didn't hurl Checkov into)
KHAN: There, you see? I am seven point six five five times as strong as you,
... captain ... Kirk. I am much stronger, and I am 23.875 times as intellingent
as you, and I'm a wizard, and you're just an ordinary human, and star fleet was
too soft on you when you were in military training, and why are you taking that
old M-14 automatic rifle off my wall that I left loaded all this time?
KIRK: Why do you think, sucker!
(He pulls the trigger, and a myriad of bullets fly out of the gun barrel to the
tune of that old country rat-tat-tat. When the smoke clears, Kirk miraculously
sees Khan standing there, unharmed, with his arms folded)
KHAN: Well, it seems I do have a monopoly on random chance. You missed
KIRK: Why the hell do you do all this?
KHAN: I am the great dictator, Khan.
(Darth Vader's theme)
KHAN: You stranded me here in the Starship Cordoba.
KHAN: And for twelve long years, getting my revenge on you has been my fantasy!
(Fantasy Island music)
KIRK: Twelve years? The series hasn't even been on TV that long!
KHAN: Of course it has! It must have! I counted the long years as the sun
completed its cycle twelve times!
KIRK (almost giggling): Khan, you idiot, the years on this planet are shorter
than the days! You've been waiting for us for twenty-four long weeks, it
KHAN: No! No! I will not stand for it! (He takes a magic wand out from his
robes) Now, ... captain ... Kirk, I am going to destroy you once and for all!
ANNOUNCER: We will return after these messages.
(A Klingon ship converges on a planet)
CHICKEN: Cluck, cluck cluck!
(Distruptor bolts begin laying waste to the surface)
ANNOUNCER: If you feel like you're all alone out there, get out the yellow
pages. Because there's somebody in there who can help you borrow thousands of
megacredits on your home, whether it's paid for or not....
(The Star Fleet begins closing in to the tune of Columbia the Gem of the Ocean)
ANNOUNCER: Maimes home loan.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: And now back to "The Ion Tempest"
KHAN: And now, I will destroy you! (He waves his wand a couple of times, and
suddenly falls to the ground in a flash of blue light which is normally
reserved to phaser light-effects)
KIRK: And he thinks he has a monopoly on random chance! His magic wand just
SCOTTY (entering): Ach, wha' has been happenin' here?
SCOTTY: Ach, Miranda, my true love! Come to my arms! (she does just that)
KIRK: Scotty, you're in love with a dog?
SCOTTY (with stars in his eyes and half his normal strength in his limbs): What
ever gave you that idea?
KIRK: I have a feling that Khan'll be waking up soon. If we don't get some
dilithium, we can't go very far without him creating another ion tempest and
dragging us down to him again.
SCOTTY: Aye, if it's dilithium you be wantin', this starship has four
good-sized crystals still left in 'er.
KIRK: Scotty, you're fantastic.
SCOTTY: Well, when you're right, you're right, cap'n.
KHAN: Oooooh! My aching neural system.
(Kirk immediately opens his communicator, aims it at Khan, and presses a
special signaling button. Khan falls back down instantly)
KIRK: Thank you, Spock.
SPOCK: You're welcome Jim, but I think that transmitting a Vulcan neck-pinch
through a communicator is most -
KIRK (slapping shut the communicator before Spock has a chance to say the
nerve-wracking word): Sulu, check this place for radiation poisoning.
SULU (after a second): None, sir.
KIRK: I didn't think there was any.
SULU: Then why'd you want me to check?
KIRK: Just to give you something to do.
BONES (scanning Khan with his fry-corder): Jim, this man is incredible! If I
could study him, we could make modern medical technique seem obsolete by
KIRK: Please, don't bother me with far-reaching human goals.
SCOTTY (returning from what should have taken him half an hour to do): Here are
the crystals, cap'n.
KIRK: Great, and - hey, what are those three doing?
CHECKOV (hung over, groggy, and half-conscious): Da. Don't let dee capitalist
pigs stand in your way. Workers of the world unite! Don't give up the sheep!
Damn the albedo torpedoes, full speed ahead!
CHECKOV (in open-mouthed astonishment): Capteen Kirk! I was just thinking about
you, and about what a great guy you are, and how great the Federation ees, and
how wrong Marx really was, and -
KIRK: Yeah, sure, sure. Just let me untie you. Harrrrumph! Boy, these
non-corporeal magic ropes are tough! Ah, got it! Uhura, who's the little guy?
TATOO: I am not a little guy! I'm just a little short for my height!
KIRK: Well, I suppose ... if you want ... you can come along with us on the
TATOO: That piece of Felgercarb? I've heard about that ship. It's fought
Klingons, giant amoeba, creatures that eat whole planets, and more kinds of
enemy races than you can shake a stick at! All the other starships in the
Federation ever get to do is sit in dry dock, go on training missions, and fill
out a few zillion forms! If you think that after all that, your ship is still
in as good condition as when it started out, you're crazy!
KIRK: Okay, then, you can stay on this barren wasteland of a world! See if I
TATOO: Okay, I'll do just that! (they both fold their arms and face away from
SCOTTY: Pardon me for a'bargin' in on your little argument, but how about
KIRK: Huh? Oh, that dachshund. Yeah, she can come too, but only if she's had
SCOTTY: Would you ask your true love to come along only if she's had her shots?
Would you leave the one you love behind just because she's not immunized
KIRK: Naturally I would.
SCOTTY (backing off): Okay, just checking.
SCOTTY: No problem, cap'n, she says she's had her shots.
BONES: Blast it Jim, are you going to take the word of a little wiener dog?
KIRK: Wouldn't you?
BONES: Ah, drage! Does this mean we're going to have another happy ending?
KIRK: 'fraid so.
SULU: Captain, I suggest we leave.
KIRK: But why?
SULU: Why not?
KIRK: Mr. Sulu, your logic exceeds that of Spock himself.
BONES: Sulu, what the hell is this plant?!
SULU: Blast it, I'm a navigator, not a botanist!
(Bones clams up. Scotty whispers something in Kirk's ear)
KIRK: Right! Let's get out of here!
(one big film cut later)
KIRK: Are the dilithium crystals all in place?
SCOTTY (lowering Miranda to the deck) Sure thing. But I suggest you close the
dome. I hate it when all the air escapes and we all die and blow up.
KIRK: Yeah, me too. (he reaches up and pulls down a little lever which drags
the dome behind it) Okay, then, ahead Mr. Sulu, warp factor one.
SULU: Aye aye, sir.
UNDERSIZED: Crash! Grind! Rrrrroar!! Whoosh!
SPOCK: Captain, why did you take off from the surface of a planet on warp
KIRK (switching the viewscreen to a rear view): That's why!
(The screen displays the USS Cordoba falling away behind them, with all of its
weapons targeted on the Undersized and Khan in the front window madly shaking
his fist and shouting something obscene (like frak, for instance))
KIRK: Scotty managed to repair Khan's impulse engines before we arrived. If we
had delayed any longer, Khan would've blasted us apart with his primitive but
useful Lasher-Laser guns. Now that we're going faster-than-light, no ordinary
weapons can touch us.
SPOCK: Believe me, attacking us with a ship the size of the USS Cordoba is most
(Kirk reaches for his Radar Raygun, but suddenly remembers he threw it away
back on Seymoremalomaly. He searches for another alternative)
COMPUTER: Shut up! (the entire instrument panel shuts down)
SPOCK: Captain, what setting would you have used on me if you still had your
KIRK: What else, old friend - kill, naturally.
KIRK'S VOICE: Captain's log, stardate 3.14159. Khan is a real jerk, but he does
have a rather good intelligence, and body, and wizard's power, and ... and ...
(The Undersized fades away to the sight of the name of the executive producer)
Author's notes from 2014:
- In the original, the spoken lines are unindented on the first line of text
but indented by 3 spaces on the subsequent lines of text. There seems to be
no way to do that kind of indenting in HTML. I don't even know if it's possible
in Microsoft Word.
- You kids are probably too young to remember, but In Search Of was
a show about myserious unsolved mysteries of mysteriousness, like UFOs or
ghosts or bigfoot. It's kinda reminiscent of half the shows on the History
Channel today. The "fascinating" thing was that it was was hosted by Leonard
Nimoy, in one of his few non-Trek screen appearances.
- Spock's choice of measuring time in increments of drawer-slammings was
inspired by an episode of The Tonight Show, back when it was hosted by
Johnny Carson. He and Ed McMahon were rattling off a trivia list of how long
various activities took, such as blinking your eyes or popping a balloon,
punctuating each entry with a low whistle (to try and sound mock-interested).
They claimed it took one one-thousandth of a second for a drawer to slam
- Technically, Star Trek starships don't generate antimatter.
They carry antimatter as fuel.
- "Cathy Lee" was, of course, supposed to be Cathy Lee Crosby, one of the
hosts of ABC's That's Incredible!. If you don't remember this show, it
was ABC's answer to NBC's Real People, only with more ridiculous claims
about ghosts and catching bullets with your teeth.
- The reason most Star Trek aliens look like people was hinted at all
the way back in the original series episode "The Paradise Syndrome." They
waited until season 6 of the Next Generation, though, to reveal the full
answer. In the 6th season episode "The Chase," we learn that 4 billion years
ago, the first alien species made it to the stars. They looked like humans
wearing special-effects makeup. Because they found no other alien species to
befriend, they seeded the life-bearing worlds of the Milky Way with genetic
programs that would drive evolution toward producing beings that resembled
them. Star Trek scriptwriters have about as thorough a grasp of
evolution as they do of quantum mechanics.
- "Oh fiddle farp!" was something my mother used to say on rare occasions.
The direct inspiration here, however, was a play on Battlestar
Galactica's "felger carb," which I originally misheard as "felder carp."
Hence the "check in every centar" joke a few lines later.
- Spock's admonition that grades are highly illogical stemmed from my having
heard about Summerhill. My 10th grade English teacher was a complete New Ager,
who believed in psychic powers. I never learned whether she believed in angelic
space aliens, though. Anyway, one of the recorded lectures she played for our
class was about both the gradeless Summerhill system of learning, and the
notion of schools teaching things like meditation. In retrospect, I wonder if
the recording wasn't of a spokesman for Maharishi Institute University. Despite
my excellent school grades, I was in complete agreement with the sentiments of
this recorded lecture. Probably because I believed it would improve my chances
of getting telekinetic powers.
- "Triancus," as I later learned, was actually spelled "Triacus." As you no
doubt recall, it was the planet inhabited by Gorgan-summoning kids in the
original series episode "And the Children Shall Lead."
- The fake Sanka commercial was, of course, a callback to a similar spot in
Star Trek: Not of Matter. The name "Sucka"
came from a Mad Magazine parody of a Sanka ad, in which a 3rd world coffee
picker chided the American consumer because "wife make instant coffee and
husband too spineless to object." When even a downtrodden plantation worker
calls you henpecked, you know you've got issues.
- Khan's insistence on ellipses whenever he mentions ... Captain ... Kirk
came from the scene in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan where Khan
first learns that Kirk is now an Admiral. His emphasis on ... Admiral
... Kirk was what my teen-age mind was trying to capture in this script.
- The computer saying "Hi there!" was supposed to be Eddie, the shipboard
computer on the starship Heart of Gold from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the
- I imagined this story's Ariel as looking like a Jack Kirby monster, such as
Android. "Hraaaagnaaaag!" was inspired by a Don Martin article in the
October 1979 issue of Mad Magazine, devoted to comic book sound effects. He
said that "ARRARGHNNARRGH" was "an entire dialog script for the Hulk." (Clearly
he'd put too much importance in the Lou Ferrigno Hulk TV series. The Hulk in
the comics spoke in Johnny Weissmüller Tarzan English, spouting grunted
homilies in the third person such as "Hulk smash!".) Sadly, this is the one
issue of Mad Magazine that I've lost from my collection over the years. I let
some kid borrow it up at ISOMATA in the early 1980s, and it vanished never to
be seen again. It's too bad, because it also had a Lord of the Rings
musical called "The Ring and I."
- "Hyper-theoretical" came from the Jim I mention in my Author's Notes for
Messiah to Super-Human. He'd attended a
lecture called "Black Holes and Warped Spacetime," given by a guy who claimed
to do "hypertheoretical astrophysics." In retrospect, I'll bet that
"hypertheoretical" really just meant "conjectural."
- In the 1970s, Ricardo Montalban did a series of ads for the Chrysler
He was always going on about the car's "rich Corinthian leather."
- Checkov [sic] made mention of "O'hura" as a sly reference to the
misspelling of Uhura's name in my earlier Star
Trek: Not of Matter script.
- The "Muller Beer" commercial here was a reference to the Miller Beer ads on
TV at the time, such as
- "Ben Kenobi's Theme" is what John Williams called it during the first
movie. In The Empire Strikes Back, since Ben Kenobi was dead, he renamed
it the "Force Theme."
- Scope was (and still is, by some accounts) a brand of mouthwash.
- Aames Home Loan had a series of commercials in the 1970s, featuring a man
in trouble who called them and had the cavalry (or in one case, the U.S. Navy)
ride to his rescue.
- I got "megacredits" from Starfire, the hexmap war game.
- Kirk saying "Please, don't bother me with far-reaching human goals" was
inspired by a Mad Magazine article about things you'll never hear celebrities
say. The article had Marie Osmond saying "You wanna fool around?", and Anita
Bryant (or some other activist celebrity) saying "Please, don't bother me with
- And of course, I got Sulu's job title wrong. He wasn't a navigator, he was
a helmsman. The difference being, the helmsman steers the ship, and the
navigator tells the ship where to go. Which is totally di... hey, wait a
- Despite what you saw in the movie Outland, you don't blow up if
you're exposed to vacuum. You do, however, quickly lose consciousness from lack
Send comments regarding this Web page to:
Roger M. Wilcox.
Click here to go back to my main old screenplays