7
Copyright © 1981 by Roger M. Wilcox. All rights reserved.
The original draft was written on my dad's mechanical typewriter, accompanied by hand-drawn illustrations — such as they were. Every image you see was scanned in from the original, although some pages suffered water damage over the years. All non-image text was transcribed in exactly the format it originally appeared. All spellings, punctuation, capitalizations, etc. are as in the original.
3. EMPIRE WARS! -- a bad name for a bad program
5. TRSDOS 87.4 -- too much of a mediochre thing...
9. READ -- learn how to read just by reading this article!
11. SLANT -- how to put characters on your screen or line
printer at any angle
14. STAR STAR -- here's a review of another (yawn!) Star-Trek
type game
17. HELPFUL HINTS -- programming techniques that will make
your blood curdle
19. SPACE-N-VADERS -- not just on the screen - in real life!
22. SUPERDUPERSCRIPT -- the best printer screwer-uper ever
made since the sledge hammer!
25. DUEL-M-DROIDS -- Leo Christopher's son reveals himself
COMING NEXT MONTH:
a letter-bomb
1
EMPIRE WARS!
One night, I dreampt that I was in a death-hold by Darth
Vader, whose last name was later changed to Badguy to avoid
lawsuit. Just then, OB-method Kenobi's image appeared before
me, and told me to "Use the...um...er...uh...force!", which
was later changed to the um...er...uh...farce. I used the
farce, at which point, a nearby telephone rang. Darth insisted
on answering it, thereby letting go of me and allowing me to
escape.
When I woke up, I sat down to write a no-graphics program,
the original "Empire Wars!". After three or four months of
hanging on the shelf, I decided to make an all-graphics ver-
sion of the game.
The result was so catastrophic I don't want anything to do
with it. The graphics characters looked vaguely like people (or
the like), and the sound was good, but the movement was so
yicchy that it made anyone who played it puke. Including me.
Believe me, I am truly sorry. I hate this program almost as
much as you do, and I regret ever having brought it into the
world.
If you think I'm gonna give out a listing of this barfy
program, think again! █
3
TRSDOS 87.4
The TRaSh-80 company has finally outdone themselves. This
version of TRSDOS is better than any previous version, and is
even better than NewDOS, LDOS, or even DrossDOS 1.1. Its fea-
tures are, quite literally, limitless. The three-page instruc-
tion manual claims that its one major drawback is that it's
"Bound by the limitations of this universe." I'm even begin-
ning to doubt that limitation.
It can communicate in all the languages, including English,
Spanish, French, German, BASIC, machine, and Pilot. With a
single keystroke command (the "¢" key), the computer will
communicate in telepathy. The computer's sound effects can
be interfaced into your stereo with no additional hardware -
it's done with electrical airwaves that get into the stereo's
circuitry. The sound effects included with TRSDOS 87.4, some
say, sound better than their newest L.P.s ever did.
TRSDOS 87.4 comes with a zap program entitled, "Crapzap,"
which challenges even the revered Superduperzap in complexity.
It will edit a line to your exact specifications, and all you
have to do is blow on the keyboard! If you have an idea for a
program in any programming language, but aren't certain how to
do it, just give the computer a general description of your
program, and it will generate the rest - probably better than
you expected!
Crapzap can recover killed files in a way you'd never have
thought possible. You simply enter, speak, or think the name
"Pblfrlistra," the file is restored. The disk need not be in
the drive when this part is executed, nor does the drive need
to be connected, nor does the file need have ever existed, nor
5
TRSDOS 87.4
nor does the program need to be loaded at the time of execu-
tion, nor does the computer need to be turned on! So watch out
that you don't have dreams about recovering a file entitled,
"Wipe Out the Galaxy!"
With TRSDOS 87.4, you can monitor the goings on anyplace
in this universe, sort of like an infinite-zoom telescope,
only limited by the fact that the signals come in at the speed
of light. (i.e. that dinosaur culture you're monitoring? They
have made it up to the technology of F.T.L. travel, and are
coming 80 million light-years from their home planet to con-
quer Earth!)
Some commands are slightly different in this version of
TRSDOS than in others. For example, SAVE causes the computer
to throw you a life preserver. LOAD fills up the washing mach-
ine or dishwasher closest to the computer terminal. CHAIN rigs
up your tires for snow. GET, PUT, OPEN, and CLOSE manipulate
objects in the adventure of your choice. RESTORE will store a
program on disk if it's already been stored at least once. The
KILL command will render completely lifeless the living being
of your choice. (An additional subcommand, WIPOWT, erases any
trace of his or her existence; however, if the person called
for is either dead or never existed, then the computer may or
may not elect to take your life instead.)
The TRSDOS 87.4 system comes with eight IC chips which, when
installed, give the user infinity K of RAM. This is very useful
for making things like Adventures that go on forever, pre-
planned "random" graphics displays, et cetera, but there was
only one drawback to this which its designers were unable to
iron out: how are you supposed to address infinity K of RAM
6
TRSDOS 87.4
without using infinity bytes in the addressing mode?!?
There are, of course, several major drawbacks to the system.
There's the user-KILL and the infinity addressing, as usual. And
then there's one more problem: The computer may, on rare occa-
sions, stop waiting for user input and start thinking with a
mind of its own. When this happens, turn the computer off
immediately, or it may very well invoke catastrophy. It has
been known to melt disk drives, blow apart whole planets, and
cause nearby stars to go super nova.
This is both the greatest and the most malevolent DOS ever
created. █
7
BAD LODE SOFTWARE
New! From
Software:
INTERCEPTION -- the world-infamous arcade game!
EMPIRE WARS -- whatever you do, don't get this!!!
INTERSTELLAR WAR -- a big Adventure for small minds
SOLAR NOVA -- not the same thing as "Cosmic Oids!"
Another Star-Trak Game -- impulse-speed dogfights! A must! not.
--------------
All of these programs do exist (honest!), but they are not on
the market ... yet. If you are interested in buying one of them or,
even better, two of them, call me, Roger M. wilcox, at (213) 828-8830
before 11:30 p.m. when I'll be zonked or doing some obscene act
in bed.
8
READ
So! You wanna learn how to read, eh? That seems rather diffi-
cult, learning to read by reading an article written in complex,
fifth- or sixth-grade words. So, since by now you're either
turned off and so bored that you've flipped by this article to
the commercial for "The Vial of Doom" on the next page, or can't
understand this since you can't read, I might as well spill my
guts (so to speak).:
There was this Mexican, this Polak, and this American, right?
Well, anyway, they all jumped off a building at the same time.
Now then, who reached the grou...mmph...aarrgh!...zzzaaap!!!
-----------
This article was written in the old TRSDOS 87.3, which had
the ability to detect bad jokes since it'd heard them all hun-
dreds of times before. When it saw this one coming, it "executed"
the KILL command on its user. █
9
SLANT
Wow! Golly jeepers! Slanted characters, that sounds neato!
The truth of the matter is that if you don't have DrossDOS 1.1
or TRSDOS 87.4, you can't GET slanted characters! But would I
waste a whole page just for this? Of course! Not. I'm gonna
show you some cheap ways to get slanted characters without an
ultimate DOS! Viz:
THE PROGRAM STOAR
DUNGEON MASTER: Level II & III 2000 K (disk only)
Models I, II, III, & IV machine lingo
This is a new dimension in D & D wargaming. It comes with
character generator, list of buyable items, several weapons
charts, every other table mentioned in the "Players Handbook"
and "D.M.'s Guide," a full compendium of the "Monster Manual"
and "Dieties and Demigods," every D & D module ever published,
and a random dungeon generator. Up to fifty at a time can play!
It comes complete with a 300-page instruction booklet which
you can read during the two hours and five minutes it takes
to load the program into memory from the disk. So you can
see why there isn't a tape version of this game! If you want
to get some ufo about the model V version of the program, call
1-(555)-555-5555 or write to us care of John Doe.
PRICE: $ 35,000
TINY ADVENTURE: Level II 1 byte (tape or disk)
Model I & III sub-machine lingo
Finally, someone came up with a good adventure that doesn't
take up much space! This is Crowther & Woods' original game
of "Adventure" all crammed into one byte, dwarves and all!
Since memory usage is rather restricted at the one byte level,
the authors have put the introduction, HELP, and INFO listings
on an included sheet of papyrus. With sound effects!
PRICE: Tape 25¢, disk 30¢. Tape loads in a little over four
seconds, disk loads in just barely over one second.
This advertizement continued next page!?!
12
The Program Stoar
COBALT: Level II 16 K tape, 32 K disk
Models I, II, & III machine lingo again
The most specialized version of COBOL yet! Cobalt allows
you to keep track of your entire stock of dynamite, TNT, Plas-
tic explosives, Uranium-235, Plutonium, Deuterium, Tritium,
Quadronium, and, of course, Cobalt. The disk version will also
keep track of Sodium and Antimatter and has optional references
for bomb cases and shells. For you Star-Trek fans, it can even
keep track of your Photon Torpedoes! This language is great
fun at parties, if you're either a gray-haired, senile old
businessman or a terrorist.
PRICE: Tape $ 24.95, disk $ 29.95
-----------
Our entire stock of other programs has been sold out. Sorry
to you fans of Bill and Leo! So why don't you guys drown your
sorrows and get Dungeon Master or Tiny Adventure or COBALT or
something?!
The Program Stoar
1313 Hill Street Bl.
Aw FL 31416
(271)-828-1828
13
STAR STAR
In the tradition of great Star-Trek games, we at 80 Femto-
computing feel that it's our duty to warn you if anything bad
comes along, say, like Empire Wars or World War IV. And so, here
we go again with another (ta-DA!) review.
After Lance Mickymouse made STAR TREK 33.5, the creation of
further versions of Star-Trek virtually ground to a halt. Star
Trek 33.5 did for Star-Trek games what TRSDOS 87.4 did for disk
BASIC. But then suddenly, a new STAR shone in the field by the
name of Myron Schmeer. He made a Star-Trek game that goes "Where
no Star-Trek game has gone before," nor will probably go again.
The game is entitled, "STAR STAR," and it lives up completely
to its name. This whole game is based on stars; there are STAR-
bases, enemy battleSTARs, empty STAR sectors, your own STARship,
and, of course, STARs.
As in the better Star-Trek games, you can only dock with a
base station a limited number of times (three, in this case)
before it runs out of power and disintegrates. However, in this
game, the problem is not in limiting your fuelings, it's in fin-
ding the space stations, along with everything else.
The long range scan is, to put it obtusely, quite impossible
to read. Each quadrant is represented by the same symbol: ***,
which means * enemy battleSTARs, * STARbases, and * STARS. Of
course, the computer can tell the difference, and the user can
tell the computer to take its long range scan and shove it up
its ASCII. This is by far the worst long range scan I've seen
since Pirate's Adventure.
The short range scan is even worse. Each quadrant is made up
of 8 X 8 sectors, all of which are labelled, "*". Thus, you can
14
Star Star
see the difficulty in finding STARbases, enemy battleSTARs, STARs
(so you won't run into them which is just a pain in the @$$ for
everyone), or even yourself! You begin the game with no time
left and no power, so chances are you die instantaneously.
In short, this game is almost as bad as "Empire Wars!" █
15
DATA-FIRM
UNEDITOR/DISASSEMBLER (file name "UNEDTDASM")
This is the disassembler. Period. End of discussion. Oh,
all right, I'll tell you about it! Its obvious first advan-
tage is that it can tell the difference between real machine
code and just data stored in memory. On top of that, it can
tell whether or not DEFB, DEFW, or DEFM was used where the data
was stored. As a matter of fact, it disassembles the program
exactly as it was written! This includes the use (and mis-
use) of post-semicolon remarks, the precise labels used by
the programmer, etcetera! If you want to really test the
power of this program, though, try disassembling an all-
BASIC program. It'll give the poor CPU such a migrain! Note,
however, that if you do this too often, UNEDTDASM might just
load in TRSDOS 87.4 and use some hideous command on you. With
sound effects!
PRICE: Now c'mon, you don't really want to know, do you?
STAR STAR: Level I 4K (tape only)
Model I BASICk
Remember the review two pages back? Well, this is it! The
program you've always never wanted. With only a few modifica-
tions, this game can actually be played! There is no disk ver-
sion, since I don't know of any Level I BASIC TRaSh-80 that
is disk capable.
PRICE: $-14.95
16
HELPFUL HINTS
I really wanted to call this, "Helpless hints," but the 80
Femtocomputing editors made me change the name for no particular
reason at all.
I'm sure you were expecting me to give you some bull like,
"Avoid the use of THEN statements whenever you can get away with
it" or "Using semicolons is mankind's ultimate mortal sin," but
I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to give you some really (ir)
relevant hints that may or may not be useful.:
1) Want a copy of a great program, but don't want to bother pay-
ing for it? Find someone who already has it and make a trade!
You could always trade a back-up copy of "Snail Attack" for
the program you want.
2) Avoid assembly and machine language as much as possible. They
aren't easily operator-accessible, they do less work per state-
ment than any other language, they are tremendously tedious
to program in and, worst of all, they go much too fast! Try
programming in Level I BASIC or Pilot instead.
3) Lose weight by cutting down on between-meal disks and by not
getting Interlewd, which is 90% Calories by weight, anyway.
4) Stand in a pot of boiling milk (I told you these hints would
make your blood curdle!). █
17
THE TRaSh-80 COMPANY
TRSDOS 87.4: Level I or more no K needed (probably disk)
Model I or more All languages
Here at last! The DOS you've been waiting for and fearing
at the same time! More powerful than its predecessor, TRSDOS
87.3, version 87.4 is barely restricted. In fact, its only
major drawback is that it's bound by the limitations of this
universe! Get this DOS, or we'll use the KILL command on you,
followed by WIPOWT!
PRICE: $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,00
THE TRASH ISLAND TRILOGY: Level II 16K (tape)
Model I & III BASIC
This three-part adventure has no right being on the same
page with TRSDOS 87.4. But then again, nothing else does,
either! In this adventure, you must search for trash instead
of treasures. Such items include: dead batteries, a banana
peal, Playboy magazine, raw sewage, and a TRaSh-80 micro-
computer (this program was written before the time of femto-
computers). It is not really currently available from us,
but you can get it from Bad Lode software, detales on page
eight. But this method doesn't work with a tomato.
PRICE: $14.95 (typical!)
The TRaSh-80 Company
P.O. box Z-80
Tandy gulch, Texas 66666
1-(666)-666-6666
18
REAL LIFE SPACE-N-VADERS
Once upon a time, a company in Japan got together with Mid-
way Distributing to get America hooked on what was to become
not only the most popular arcade game of 1979, but also the
first arcade game to overtake pinball in popularity. Space In-
vaders, the result of this experiment, was so nearly perfect that
it only lacked one thing: the thrill of actually being out there
on the front line, fighting off the attackers.
And so, the years went by with the invaders locked up safely
in ROM; until last year, when I began work on the most complex
spacewar simulation since the first real-time Star-Trek game.
The equipment for Real Life Space-N-Vaders is, to put it
mildly, expensive, and few people find it worth the money. But
if you are one of those few, you will need the following equip-
ment: 44 small legs, 88 large legs, 11 small bodies, 22 medium
size bodies, 22 large bodies, 55 laser-bomb generators, one gen-
erator truck, and one high-energy pulse laser. You may optionally
need five cement walls supported by twenty cement-wall pedes-
tals for added protection. The entire supply of equipment costs
some $50,000 and 95 cents.
The construction of the entire system should be obvious, but
if it isn't, write or call me and I'll see about having you com-
mitted. I finished the construction in just six short months.
Now you are ready to play. First, start your truck along with
its laser generator and be certain that each is working at full
capacity. Next, wind up (charge up, plug in, insert batteries
into, etc.) the invaders one by one, placing them in a five by
eleven matrix in midair as you do (providing, of course, that
you thought ahead and put the anti-gravity devices on the in-
vaders - but if you didn't, go back and start building them all
over again). Finally, after setting up the cement walls, wave
your arms (or otherwise signal the invaders) after you have got-
19
Real Life Space-N-Vaders
ten into your truck. The invaders will begin their slow down-
ward march to the beat of the same repeating four notes.
Play just like in real Space Invaders; but one word of war-
ning: you only get one base to start off with in this version
of the arcade game, and none are ever added - so watch out for
them bombs!!!
20
PINECONE SOFTWARE
STAR TREK 33.5: Level I, III and IV 33.5 K (tape or disk)
Model I, IV, and VI Assembly language
Lance Mickeymouse's final product - I swear! Cross my CPU!
Command six starships at once, battling against Klingons, ROM-
ulans, Kzinti, Gorns, and the ever-popular V'ger. More com-
plex than the deluxe version of Star Fleet Battles, this real-
time game does for Star-Trek what TRSDOS 87.4 does for disk
BASIC! (translation: if you get hit by an enemy weapon while
your shields are down, the terminal explodes in your face!)
PRICE: $33.50 plus tax, shipping, installation, insurance, ordering,
DUEL-M-DROIDS: No power...no field...unmanned debris
Sorry! We're not selling this since we found out that Leo
has disassembled it in this issue.
SUPERDUPERSCRIPT: Level II or more 32 K or more
Model I or more machine language or less
See the next pages for a full review of this item. Yes, if
you are an author, a writer, a scribbler, a doodler, or anything
else, then Superduperscript is for you! It doesn't matter whether
you're male, female, or otherwise to use it. Your printer will
write better than it has ever written. You will write better
than any typist has ever written. Your books will be written
better than any books have ever been written. And your manu-
scripts will be better off if they had never been written!
PRICE: exactly half the price of TRSDOS 87.4
21
SUPERDUPERSCRIPT
A long time ago, in a west coast city now far, far away (of
course it wasn't so far away before the San Andreas fault split
in two), a company then called Acorn software made a modification
to Scripsit, entitled, "Superscript." In a short while, the com-
pany changed their name to Pinecone software (due to the extinc-
tion of the oak tree), and with it greatly upgraded Superscript
to the latest thing, "Superduperscript." It's much better than
the old Superscript, but still requires some modifications, such
as protection from overheating. But then, what will Pinecone call
the next version? "Superdupertruperscript?"
Superduperscript files are written in such a way that they're
readable by TRSDOS 87.4. But then again, everything is! Super-
duperscript can work your printer to its ultimate, printing
upper case, lower case, middle case, and brief case letters,
every special symbol known to the human race, ultra-high reso-
lution graphics, and some symbols not even know to exist in
the real world. It prints in eight different colors: red, orange,
yellow, green, blue, purple, black, and ultra-violet.
Superduperscript allows you to do something that the Level
II manual said was impossible: apply the PRINT@ command to the
line printer, or in this case, LPRINT@.
With a little imagination and practice, it's possible to get
slanted characters & lines, even if you don't use the suggestions
of one of the previous articles in this issue, "Slant."
Superduperscript is equipped with a spelling error detector
that can figure out by the context whether or not you meant,
"comma" or "coma." However, a speller that knows only two words
22
Superduperscript
is not all that powerful. Instead, it knows every word either
created or coined in the inglish langwidge, and when a spelling
error occurs, it points it out and says some cheerful thing like,
"Just look at that! Aren't you ashamed of yourself?!? You clean
up that mess right away!" When used in conjunction with TRSDOS
87.4, Superduperscript can bake your favorite pies, tuck you in
bed, and remind you not to go outside without your woolies.
Furthermore, it can feed cement to your cockatoo, and patch up
that hole in the sidewalk with birdseed.
Boy, what a printer program! It can do almost everything,
except...allow you to write manuscripts or same them on file!! █
23
TRaSh-80 HARDWEAR
NEW! Disk interface for the TRaSh-80 Wrist Computer
Now your wrist computer can have the light-weight portability
available only from a multiple disk drive system! Comes complete
with 65,536 serial interface ports and optional 512 K memory.
Need we say it lets you use disk BASIC and DOS - even TRSDOS
87.4?! Of course we do!
PRICE: make us an offer we can't refuse.
Model VI TRaSh-80
We've driven the Z-80 to its limit in our latest "room com-
puter" model. Now you can show off your TRaSh-80 to all those
senior citizen computer buffs who believe that it can't be a
computer if it's smaller than a refrigerator. The Model VI has
four subcomponents this size, which, when put together, take up
an entire room! With sound effects!
PRICE: we suggest you listen sitting down. Call us - or even
better, don't call!
Model VII TRaSh-80
Ha! Fooled ya! There is no Model VII! Of course, if you want
to design one, go ahead - we might buy the design. Or else we
might plagiarize the design before you patent it and leave you
out in the cold with no computer to keep you warmed up.
24
DUEL-M-DROIDS
For years now I, son of Leo Christopher, have turned out pro-
grams that have made extensive use of the TRaSh-80's horridly
low-resolution graphics. I started out by making an all-BASIC
program called, "Android Numb," in which cute little androids
try to kill each other with ray guns. After that, I quickly
ascended to using string packing in Slake Eggs, and then went
back and added this feature to Android Numb. I never stooped to
using USR to call the machine-language routines. Instead, I re-
located the jump coordinates for the command LPRINT. In no time
at all, I was making Life Too and C-wary, and with the addition
of line-packing, Dance-N-Demon.
And yet, I felt as if something was missing from all these
programs. The graphics and sound were good, but not quite good
enough. So then, I decided to get to work on an all-graphics,
all-sound program employing the characters of "Android Numb,"
but with larger bodies, incredibly better movement, and sound
effects such as no one has ever heard.
The result was DUEL-M-DROIDS. It was made way back in the age
of microcomputers, and was in half-BASIC, half-machine language.
Using a vibrato for sound and quick flashes to achieve tints of
gray on the screen, no other program of mine or anyone else can
match its animation.
Now that everyone has a copy either from Pinecone software or
pirated off someone else, I've finally decided to disassemble
the program. The disassembly is on the following pages for any-
one who wants a "PEEK."
Oh, and by the way, the secret to immortality is
25
100 A1$="XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"... and then go back and POKE the machine language codes directly into the address where that string literal was stored in program memory. Then he'd save his program to tape or disk. When he wanted to execute this subroutine, he'd find the address of A1$ and just call it. This saved a lot of RAM, but had two downsides:
