Vegetable-Free Living

By Roger M. Wilcox

Last modified on 28-March-2014

Intro | chapter 1 | chapter 1.5 | chapter 2 | chapter 3 | chapter 4 | chapter 5

Chapter 2: Proof That Vegetables Are Evil

The fact that vegetables are vile, unappetizing crunchy lumps of grotesquitude that children have to be forced to eat should be enough to convince anyone that they're evil.  But the "If it's bad, it must be good for you" mindset of the miserable guilt-ridden majority is too well-ingrained to shrug off easily.

The thing is, many (if not most) of those self-same pious proponents of self-denial also happen to be religious. A lot of them are followers of the Bible. And so, for their benefit, I shall now present Biblical evidence that vegetables are evil.

Behold The Book of Proverbs:

"Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred."
    — Proverbs 15:17 (NIV translation)
The point of this particular Proverb is supposed to be that the company you keep during a meal is far more important than the contents of the meal itself.  But look at the choice of foods the author(s) used to make their point.  For the meal with hatred, which the reader is meant to avoid no matter how good the food is that's being served, they chose a fatted calf.  Now, in Old Testament times, fattened calf was just about the tastiest, richest, best food there was.  It was the pepperoni pizza with extra cheese of its time.

So . . . what did the authors of this passage choose as the food to contrast with this?  What did they choose as the bad food for the meal with love?  What did they choose as the worst, most worthless, scummiest, vilest food they could possibly think of?


More evidence that vegetables are evil can be found in the Book of Daniel:

"Daniel then said to the guard whom the chief official had appointed over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah, 'Please test your servants for ten days: Give us nothing but vegetables to eat and water to drink.  Then compare our appearance with that of the young men who eat the royal food, and treat your servants in accordance with what you see.'  So he agreed to this and tested them for ten days.
    At the end of the ten days they looked healthier and better nourished than any of the young men who ate the royal food."
    — Daniel 1:11-15 (NIV translation)
On the surface, this passage might look like an endorsement of vegetarianism.  But take a closer look.  Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah were God's chosen representatives during the Babylonian exile.  The point of this passage was to show that God would sustain their health because of their servitude to Him, even if their diet would not normally sustain them.  They didn't become healthy because of the vegetables they ate, they became healty in spite of their vegetarian diet!

"Okay," I hear the Christians cry, "But those books were in the Old Testament.  The ancient dietary laws were done away with when Jesus came along.  Surely, vegetables are no longer evil in the New Testament!"  Oh no?  Take a look at Paul's letter to the Romans:

"One man's faith allows him to eat everything, but another man, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables."
    — Romans 14:2 (NIV translation)
Not only are vegetables still looked down upon in the New Testament, they are a sign of weak faith!  If that isn't Biblical proof that vegetables are evil, I don't know what is.

Next chapter: What Counts As a "Vegetable"?

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