The original, 2-page short story version of


Copyright © 1975 by Roger M. Wilcox. All rights reserved.
(writing on this story officially began 1-May-1975, but actually began some days earlier)
The original draft was written on a mechanical typewriter, single-spaced, with no right margin, before I'd learned about those pesky little things called "paragraphs." It was inspired by Jerome M. Beatty, Jr.'s 1963 kids' novel Bob Fulton's Amazing Soda Pop Stretcher, which we were reading in 4th grade (yes, fourth grade). All spellings, punctuation, strings of exclamation points, capitalizations, colors, etc. are as in the original. Unfortunately, without scanning it in and presenting an image, I can't really convey all the typewriter overstrikes and formatting oddities I had to slog through in the original.

You have been warned.

It all started when I was working on my lastest invention - a wether machine. The only thing that would coat the inside of the machine without it breaking 6 minutes, 5 seconds after I put sodium M-Y (thats the name for the fomula I put in) & sugar (5 lbs.) into the machine, was a certain kind of sand that could be made into a certain kind of glass I called "super glass". One day, after one wether change, & doing another (3 minutes each), the machine blew up. & It was splashed all over a giant wooden box. Then I thought, "I thought that that box was little & that I had more fomula than that". & then I cleaned up the fomula with a giant cloth (whitch I thought was little & again, I thought there was more fomula). I found the cause of the explosion 7 minutes later, the safety valve was stuck. 2 Days after that I got too suspicious of this & called professer Raith. He said to come down to his office immediately. When he came out of his laboratory, he said, "that fomula can actually grow anything". "Tell me, where do you store this stuff without it growing the container so big that it presses against the walls so hard that it breaks?" Then I said, "so thats how my wether machine bearks 6 minutes, 5 seconds after I put sodium M-Y uh thats the name of my fomula, & sugar into the machine". Then professer Raith said, "well, come on, answer my question". Then I said, "I just store the fomula regular glass, thats all." Then he said, "regular glass, how?" Then one of his men came out & said, "professer Raith, I found out that it wasnt the fomula alone, it was the distilation of the fomula with 5 lbs of sugar in the machine." Then professer Raith said, "Johnny, how did you coat the inside of your machine?" Then I said, "with a certain kind of sand that can be made into a certain kind of glass (whitch can be found anywhere in any mountain in the united states), whitch I call "super glass"". Then prefesser Raith said, "say, if you call t h a t  fomula sodium M-Y, why dont we call the fomula thats been distilled sodium M-Y1!" Then I said, "thats a great idea, & we'll call the glass sodium M-Y2." The next morning I saw this gigantic wether machine sticking up over the trees. I put on my clothes & went to see. They said that it takes to make the distillation 17 gallons of sodium M-Y & 12 tons of sugar! Then I said, "with this fomula, imagine the amount of fuel we'll save!" Then they said, "say, what is the ingredience in the fomula?" Then I said, "3% oats, 4% grated orange rind, 3% ginger, 1% sand, 2% salt, 5% cinnamon, 4% ground peanuts, 3% curry powder, 35% lime juice, 25% ground wheat (not flour), 15% soda water". They quickly mixed up 17 gallons of it & put it in the machine. 3 Days later, the big day, I heard that whistling sound again. The sound grew louder & louder. Then I put on my clothes, & hurried to see professer raith. The professer turned all the water pressure of & turned all of the machine off then I went in. & When I went in, I felt this strange feeling stuff. It looked like, felt like, & was, SODIUM M-Y1! I ran out with great exightment & told professer Raith about the good news, it was just a cow that needs milking. Well, they got it out, & the energy crisis was immidietly solved. The amount of fuel saved was enormous. & The cost of fuel went down to 10¢ per gallon! But one day, all of a sudden, for some reason, I became a criminal. 2 days after that, this kid wanted a malted supriem, when the clerk said, "sorry, but were all out. sorry." The kid looked at the klerk with a mean kind of look & said, "what do you mean 'your all out'? You always had a lot of ice cream, chocolate syrup, & vanilla flavoring, so why are you out of them?" The klerk then said, "because were very low on sugar, we only have 2 oz. of sugar". The kid went back to his house to get something to eat. His mother said, "here, eat some pork chops, I cant make the pies or cakes because I cant buy more than a pound of sugar".

3 days later, the colonel went to get a candy bar. he saw none on the shelves, so he asked the klerk for 1 himself. The klerk said, "sorry, were all out, & were not expecting any for a long time". Next it was all the kids on the street, they wanted ice cream, but the stores ran out. Then all the kids held up sighns saying, WE NEED MORE SUGAR!, DOWN WITH SODIUM M-Y1! UP WITH SUGAR! Then I said to them, "now, now, guys, sacrin is 100 times sweeter than sugar. Why dont you tell the ice cream companys & then youll have all the ice cream you want". The companys did'n't think it was a good idea. The next day the general wanted a pack of gum. He didnt see any on the shelves, so he asked for 1 himself. The klerk said, "sorry, but we dont have anymore gum". Then the general said, "no more gum?! All gum is is just a mixture of flour & sugar.. & sugar. Say, how much sugar does 'sodium M-Y1' need?" Then the klerk said, "well, it takes 10 tons of sugar for 1 gallon of sodium M-Y1". Then the general said, "10 gallons of sugar for 1 ton of sodium M-Y1, I mean 10 tons of sugar for 1 gallon of sodium M-Y1?! Why, that formula is the means of the sugar crisis!" So the general went back to his normal duty. & The hershy candy bar people went out of busines. & The same with the good humor ice cream company, it too was out of business. Then I thought, "why do we need this fomula? Becaus it can solve the energy crisis". Then I thought, "say, that machine uses 90% of our sugar up. Say, how about slowing it down to the slowest speed, then all the sugar will be used for more candy & ice cream". So the people did this. & The candy & ice cream companys were back in buisness (well, sort of). Because the candy bars costed 75¢ each & the ice cream cones costed $1. All the kids wanted cheaper candy & ice cream. They held up sighns saying, WE WANT CHEAPER PRICES FOR SUGAR!, DESTROY THAT WETHER MACHINE! Then I said to the kids, "now now, kids, Ill tell the companys to give me um, a, let me count you guys, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18. 18 kids thats 18 ice cream cones at 25¢ each, thats $4.50, Ill tell the companys." So I got 18 ice cream cones at $4.50, gave 1 to each kid, & charged 20¢ for each kid (because this was 99.99% my fault). The next thing I did was to buy the general a pack of gum & I charged him 8¢ insted of 10¢, because again, it was 99.99% my fault. The 3rd thing I did was to buy the colonel a candy bar & charged him 12¢, because again, it was 99.99% my faunt. & The price of gas went up 15¢ & costed 25¢ per gallon. Next the kid who always liked malted supremes, I got him a 30¢ malted supreme & charged him 24¢, because again, it was 99.99% my fault. But then I thought, "what if we poured 1 drop of sodium M-Y1 on 1 lb. of sugar, then the sugar crisis will be solved as well as the energy crisis". The wether machine was now going at its regular speed, the price of fuel went down to 10¢ per gallon, & the price of sugar went down again. Ice cream cones went down to 10¢ per scoop insted of 25¢ per scoop! The price of candy bars went down to 5¢ & the price of gum went down to 5¢ per pack insted of 10¢, & for candy bars, insted of 15¢. But one day, I heard that sound, that whistling sound. I ran to the wether machine as fast as I could, but not in time. For the second I got to it, it blew up. & the baby trees were pretty big for their size, & boy, did the kids have a lot of ice cream & candy. The cars were fit for king kong, & all the motorcycles were, too. & all the fuel stations were a lot bigger than usuall. & Boy, did the bullys ever get it. I had to do a lot of cleaning up on the giant streets, & all the sodium M-Y1 had been wasted. Then all the people came up to me & said, "if this keeps up, were gonna have a large world after all, & imagin the gravity well have then." So then I went to the machine, turned it off, & the story ends right there.

"THE END"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A "WILCOX" PRESENTATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Author's notes from 2013:

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