The original, 24-page version of

"Star Trick: The Ion Tempest"

Copyright © 1982 by Roger M. Wilcox. All rights reserved.
(writing on this script began 17-October-1982)

The original draft was written on an electric typewriter, which lacked square bracket [] characters. It was inspired by my English teacher's revelation that Forbidden Planet was just Shakespeare's The Tempest ... in spaaaaaaace! All spellings, punctuation, capitalizations, weird Shakespearean allusions, etc. are as in the original.

You have been warned.

KIRK'S VOICE: Captain's log, stardate 2.71828. We are currently in orbit around the planet Seymoremalomaly, and have come here in search of -
SPOCK: That's my show!
KIRK'S VOICE: Shut up. In search of dilithium crystals for our warp engines, like we always do in every show, which is stupid because they're not supposed to break down 'till after five years of use. Unfortunately, we were viciously seized by a trigger incident, and are now in the midst of an ion storm of intensity ... of intensity ... well, anyway it's pretty darned big.
KIRK: Aye, matey! Hoist the mainsail! Batten down the hatches!
SULU: Right, sir - going to warp drive, and activating the shields.
CHECKOV: Hello dere, capteen - hic!
KIRK: Checkov, you Russian from Sebastia, you! Have you been sipping at the Romulan ale?
CHECKOV: Me? Drink - hic! - Romulan Ale? I never touch blue drinks, especially when they're from Romula. I only drink good old all American - hic! - Russian Wodka! And I never sip when I can drink it all down in a gulp!
KIRK: Never mind, just get back to your station, which I presume is NBC. Spock, how are we doing?
SPOCK: Not too good, captain. The ion storm appears to be dragging us down toward a locked-orbit with Seymoremalomaly. And by the way, in the time it took me to say that word you could have slammed a drawer shut two thousand, three hundred seventy-eight times. Choosing such long planetary names is highly illogical.
KIRK (gritting his teeth): Okay, mister logic! (He relaxes) Scotty, get me full warp power - FAST!
SCOTTY: Ach, but cap'n sir, the dilithium crystals are breakin' down into their natural state!
KIRK: What's their natural state?
SCOTTY: Oatmeal, sir! If it continues at this rate, the antimatter we generate could pour cream and sugar all over 'em and eat 'em all up!
KIRK: Don't tear your hear out just yet, Scotty. Dilithium based oatmeal is very cold and lumpy, and I don't think the antimatter would have much of an appetite for it.
(distant explosion)
KIRK: What was that?
SPOCK: An explosion, sir.
KIRK: I know that, but from what?
SPOCK: Probably something going "Boom."
KIRK (slowly turning purple): Brilliant ... Spock ... !
SPOCK: Why are you turning purple, captain? Turning purple at a time like this seems most illog -
SPOCK: Okay, then, I won't say that it's most illogical.
KIRK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (wiping his forehead) Whew! I feel much better now. Okay, Scotty, shut down the warp drive. I hate oatmeal just as much as you do. Sulu, keep the stabilizers going - it looks like we're gonna have to stay the course with this storm. Spock, did you pinpoint that explosion?
SPOCK: No, but I have located it.
KIRK (turning purple again): Okay, logic breath, then what was it?
SPOCK: It was our Plaster Blaster banks being destroyed by the ion storm.
KIRK: But ... that's impossible!
SPOCK: No, captain, that's incredible.
CATHY LEE: That's my show!
SPOCK: Shut up.
KIRK: How could the ion storm get through our shields?
SPOCK: Simple; you never raised our shields in the first place.
KIRK: Why didn't you tell me?!
SPOCK: You didn't ask.
KIRK: Okay, then, raise the shields.
SPOCK: Sorry, captain. The entire crew has scattered from their stations and is now hiding in the brig.
KIRK: Why?
SPOCK: They're afraid of the storm. You should have read them a bedtime story.
KIRK: Grrrrrrrmmmmmph! Isn't there anything we can do?
SPOCK: Ride out the storm.
KIRK: Oh, all right. Checkov, what's the data we have on the planet Seymoremalom (the ship lurches to one side, and the crew jump around a bit) aly?
CHECKOV: No data, sir - hic! - but that planet down there sure looks forbidden.
KIRK: Forbidden ... Planet.... Yeeee-haaaaaa!
SPOCK: What are you screaming about, captain? Screaming for happiness is highly illogical.
KIRK (ignoring Spock's comment): Sit back and relax, folks, I know exactly what's going to happen in this episode.
BONES: Well, what is it, and be quick about it! I don't have all day! Blast it, Jim, we're dying!!
KIRK: Gentlemen and Uhura, we're going to re-enact Shakespeare's "The Tempest!"
KIRK'S VOICE: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship Undersized. It's three TV-season mission: to explode strange new worlds; to seek out new life in old Shakespearean plays; to boldly go where no one has ever cared to go before!
PROSPERO: Out here on an uncharted island, things get mighty lonely. But there's one thing that always keeps me in touch with civilization, and that's good old Folders coffee substitute. It looks and almost tastes like real coffee should. (he sips some out of a non-corporeal coconut shell) Mmmmm ... mmmm! And it helps keep down the population too. So take it from a wizard who knows: drink Folders coffee substitute; it'll really help to (Ariel appears) ... raise your spirits!
ANNOUNCER: Folders coffee substitute. Made from 100% real synthetic plastic. It's the best drink for stormy weather.
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, we return to "Star Trick."
SULU: Sir, the storm's just knocked out our shield generators and our Albedo Torpedo launchers.
KIRK: Great, then. We're completely unarmed and have no defenses whatsoever.
SCOTTY: Ach, cap'n, the dilithium crystals have just overloaded themselves! They've been eaten up by the antimater, our warp power is fading fast, the ion storm is finishing off the engine pods, and - ach, I just canno' take it any more, cap'n!!!
KIRK: Well, that doesn't matter now. The ion tempest seems to be weakening as we approach a stable orbital position. I just have the funny feeling that we're being watched.
(The picture moves back to reveal that the bridge of the Undersized was only an image on a crystal dodecahedron. In front of the crystal there is an old man who looks suspiciously like Ricardo Montalban rubbing his chin in thought)
KHAN: Jes ... jes ... !
KHAN: Jes, my pet. Jou will see your prescious marooner very shortly. For twelve long years I have awaited your arrival, ... Captain ... Kirk, and now at last I will see you. Twelve years since you stranded me here on Seymoremalomaly in the Starship Cordoba. Getting you back here now, I will at last be able to show you the wrath of Khan! That has always been my ... Fantasy!
(Fantasy Island music)
TATOO: Boss, boss, de Starship! De Starship!
KHAN: Jes, Tatoo, I see it! I am glad I found you on this deserted planet. You have acted well, but rather uselessly, as my personal slave.
TATOO: True, boss. But don't you think it's kind of strange that on a planet totally unlike Earth you would find a species that has evolved to look exactly like you?
KHAN: That's never bothered ole Gene Roddenberry before! Remember the Vulcans?
TATOO: Oh, yeah. Never mind. Boss, why aren't I named Caliban, or even Caliboo?
KHAN: Because, Tatoo, that was never my ... Fantasy!
(more Fantasy Island music)
KIRK: Dr. McCoy, what can you do about our present situation?
BONES: I'm a doctor, not an ion storm disruptor!
KIRK: The ion storm's not that bad. All we need is a little impulse power to keep our orbit stable, and we'll be all set.
BONES: I'm a doctor, not an impulse engine engineer!
KIRK: Okay, be that way! See if I care! Spock, how's our orbit doing?
SPOCK: Our orbit is not following a logical path. (he ignores Kirk's cry of agony) If we maintain our present course, we should set down on the surface of the planet at a rate of about five meters per second.
KIRK: That's not even a crash-landing! Do you know the odds against an entire starship setting down in a high gravitational field at a soft landing speed?
SPOCK: Yes, I do. They're -
KIRK: Never mind! My guess is that somebody's making us land.
SPOCK: Why anyone would want us to land on a barren, forbidden hunk of fiddle farp like Seymoremalomaly seems most illogical.
KIRK: Shove it, Spock, we're (the ship rocks violently, this time like a jerk in the vertical dimension) What was that?
SULU: We just set down on Seymoremalomaly's surface.
KIRK: Okay, everybody, it's time to leave the ship and roam around on a planet we know nothing about again. Everyone arm themselves with Radar Rayguns, and check in with the ship every centar.
SPOCK: Wrong show, captain.
KIRK: Okay, then, every four hundredth of a fortnight. (I love the British system, don't you?) Spock, you stay behind.
SPOCK: But why, captain?
KIRK: Well, somebody's gotta stay here and take care of the ship, so it might as well be you, pointy-ears!
(Kirk, Bones, Scotty, Sulu, Checkov, and Uhura all leave, leaving Spock behind to shrug off the whole situation as highly illogical, especially since they're leaving by opening the dome above the bridge without first checking to see whether the atmosphere outside is breatheable)
KIRK: I suggest we split up.
SCOTTY: Ach, but why cap'n?
KIRK: Look! (he shows him Act II of The Tempest)
BONES: Blast it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Shakespearean Actor!
KIRK: That ploy won't work this time, Bones. You were once Romeo in a production of Romeo and Juliet.
BONES: That was in sixth grade!
SPOCK'S VOICE (from Kirk's Communicator he's holding in front of McCoy): Grades are highly illogical.
BONES: Now I see why you turn purple. All right, I'll go along with it.
KIRK: Okay. Checkov, you and Uhura go thataway.
CHECKOV: Sure thing, cap - hic! - tain. Hey, Uhura, baby, how'd you like some American - hic! - Russian Wodka?
UHURA: Love some. Romula knows, it's been a long time since I've had a drink (she sneers at Kirk as she leaves)
KIRK: Scotty, you go alone thataway.
SCOTTY: Ach, alright, cap'n (aside) At last! Now I can stop talking with that inane Scottish accent!
KIRK: Sulu, you and Bones come with me.
BONES: But why?
KIRK: Because I need some witty conversation to take the viewing audience's mind off the fact that this planet set is exactly the same one we used for Triancus, Vulcan, and every other non-Earth class M terrestrial in the series.
BONES: I'm a doctor, not a conversationalist!
KIRK: That'll do just fine! Cone along ...
ANNOUNCER: We'll return after these messages.
BALTAR: I've got you in my sights, Adama! You're dead meat!
ADAMA: Oh, frak! We're going to be fried!
ROBERT YOUNG: Easy, Adama! It's only the human race.
ADAMA: I know. Dr. Z says I've been getting too much caffeine.
ROBERT: Well, then you should try Sucka brand.
ADAMA: But I only like real synthetic coffee.
ROBERT (drawing his laser pistol): Frak it, Adama, Sucka brand is real synthetic coffee!
ADAMA: Culp!
ROBERT: Wrong Robert!
ADAMA: Okay, okay! I'll drink it!
--- Three sectons later---
ROBERT: Well, Adama, how goes the ol' battle?
ADAMA: Just great, thanks to you and Sucka bra -
EXPLOSION: Blaaaaaaaam!!!
ANNOUNCER: Sucka Brand decaffeinated synthetic coffee. For people who don't want to mind getting blown up.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, back to "Star Trick."
BONES: Jim, what's this blasted plant here? I picked it up half an hour ago and I haven't been able to figure out what in blazes it is!
KIRK: Well, let's find out (he takes out his communicator) Computer!
COMPUTER: Hi there!
KIRK (shutting his communicator in embarrassment): ooops ... heh heh, wrong computer. (he opens his communicator once more) Real computer!
REAL COMPUTER: Yes. What-the-felgercarb-do-you-want?
KIRK: I want to know -
COMPUTER: Hurry-up. I-haven't-got-all-24-hour-period!
KIRK: Will you let me finish?
COMPUTER: No. You-never-take-me-out-to-dinner!
KIRK: That's because you don't eat!
COMPUTER: How-do-you-know-I-don't-eat? Is-it-that-you've-seen-me-not-eating? I've-seen-you-not-eating-sometimes-but-I-bet-that-you-eat! Why-don't-you-ever-ask-me-if-I-do-something-instead-of-always-assuming-things!
KIRK: Computer, shut up! Don't make an ass out of U or me! Spock!
SPOCK: Yes, Captain? I presume the computer was acting highly illogical towards you.
KIRK (aside): I don't know which is worse, him or that non-logical counterpart of his! (to Spock) Spock, how's the ship doing?
SPOCK: Well, its fever's down, and repairs are being made on the crippled weapons systems. But without new dilithium crystals, the warp engines can't operate.
KIRK: Well is there any dilithium on this planet?
SPOCK: I'll ask the computer. (a loud clanging and clashing sound comes from the communicator, and this slowly calms down into polite beeps and hums) According to the readings, there is exactly 2.6 grams of dilithium on this planet.
KIRK: Well, where is it located?
SPOCK: All over. The amound is negligible.
KIRK: Then that means ... we're stranded!
(dramatic music)
KIRK: I just hope that whoever our Prospero turns out to be, he's a nice one.
KHAN (looking at the scene in his crystal dodecahedron): Don't you wish ... captain ... Kirk! Ariel!
ARIEL: Hraaaagnaaaag!
KHAN: Ariel, go forth. Give ... captain ... Kirk a workout he'll never remember!
ARIEL: Hraaaagnaaaag! (It leaves the scene)
KHAN: You Dachshunds are all alike, but I love you all the same, Miranda. Jes, soon ... captain ... Kirk will be in our clutches. Whatever's left of him, that is.
SCOTTY (wandering in to Khan's starship): Hey, this ship don't look so hot! I mean, it is o-old! Them warp engines look like they have enough ionic build-up without ever being used. The walls are still painted (yecch!) white! The Federation hasn't used white since -
(Miranda and Scotty exchange glances, and they both realize that it is true love)
SCOTTY (embracing Miranda): Oh, doggy! You're so cool, man! I mean like doggy -
KHAN (barging in): Her name is Miranda!
SCOTTY (suddenly setting Miranda down): Ach! Aye, she is a fine lassie of a dog, this Mirando.
KHAN: Miranda!
SCOTTY: Like I be sayin', Miranda.
KHAN: So, you have fallen instantly in love with my dog.
SCOTTY: Well, maybe not really truly in deep hyper-theoretical love, but -
KHAN: If you want to claim her, you will have to run some ... errands.
SCOTTY: Aye, I'd do anything for the little bitch - er, dog.
KHAN: Good. Then assist Tatoo in his work.
SCOTTY: Aye, what be a Tatoo?
TATOO: Boss, you got me a buddy!
KHAN: That be Tatoo.
SCOTTY: Aye, he sure looks like an able-bodied shrimp. What should I do with him?
KHAN: You will perform his duties along with him, and when he's not around, you will keep performing his duties without him, since you obviously can't perform his duties with him when he's not there.
SCOTTY: But wha'll we be doin'?
KHAN: Oh, shining my crystal dodecahedron, polishing my starship from the outside, bringing me my magic wands when I call for them - you know, slave stuff.
SCOTTY: Okay. But by the by, would ya happen to know what the name o' this starship is?
KHAN (majestically): This is the starship ... Cordoba!
(Chrystler music)
SCOTTY: How do you do that?
KHAN: I have a deal with the Chrystler corporation. I also have a compact with Fantasy Island, being Mr. Roarke, and I further have a monopoly on random chance, being a great wizard.
SCOTTY: How'd you get to be a wizard?
KHAN: It was my ... Fantasy! (Fantasy island music plays) As you know, I am also a product of twentieth century engineering, and therefore posess nearly super-human strength and intelligence. In fact, I am almost 23.875 times as strong as you mentally and - wake up.
SCOTTY: ZZZ - Oh, did you say something?
KHAN: Never mind, it wasn't important. Now, get to work. Tatoo! Tatoo? Now, where did that human copy go?
CHECKOV: Hic! Hey, is O'hura an Irish name?
UHURA: No, silly - he he he - it's Swahili! How many Irish people do you know of with the name Uhura?
CHECKOV: Well ... er ... - hic! - none.
UHURA: And how many people who are Swahili do you know who are named Uhura?
CHECKOV: To date? About one.
UHURA: There, silly - he he he - see my point?
CHECKOV: Oh, Uhura, you're so - hey!
UHURA: I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not.
CHECKOV: Who is this little guy?
TATOO: I am not a little guy! I am Tatoo, the little guy from Fantasy Island.
CHECKOV: Let's hear it for people who contradict themselves! (He drinks from his bottle of Wodka - er, Vodka) What are you doing around here, anyway?
TATOO: I'm running away from my master.
CHECKOV: But why would you do something - hic! - like that?
TATOO: Because he is evil, nasty, mean, and rotten!
CHECKOV: So? He doesn't sound too bad. Who is he?
TATOO: He is Khan.
CHECKOV: Marx and Engles! No wonder you ran away!
TATOO: What are you people, anyway?
UHURA: Well, I'm Swahilian.
CHECKOV: And I'm Sebastian.
TATOO: Well, Sebastian and - what did you say your name was?
UHURA: Uhura.
TATOO: Sebastian and Uhura, can I have a drink of that Wodka?
CHECKOV: Nope - hic! - but you can have all the Wodka you want.
TATOO: Thanks! (he grabs the bottle and empties it down his throat) Aah! I like you, - hic! - Sebastian. In fact, I like you a lot better than I do Khan.
CHECKOV: I hate Khan.
TATOO: Me too. Hey, you want to - hic! - kill him?
UHURA: He he he - sounds like fun.
TATOO: Okay, then, let's go for it! This shall be the day that Khan dies!
CHECKOV (to Uhura): He's forgetting that the days on Seymoremalomaly - hic! - are three weeks long!
ANNOUNCER: We will return after these messages....
(Kirk takes out 5 Klingons with a hand phaser)
ANNOUNCER: You've had a hard day fighting the Empire back, and now -
SPOCK: Captain, it is most logical to assume that it is Muller Time.
JOE COUNTRY: When it's time to relax ... one beer stands clear ...
KIRK: Oh, shut up!
KIRK'S PHASER: Fewewewewewewe!
JOE: Aaaaaaah!
SPOCK: A most logical decision, captain.
ANNOUNCER: Muller Beer. The one beer brewed with choice Vulcan hops and Romulan barley. Beer's never been so logical.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, back to the program.
KIRK: I can't understand why we haven't found Prospero yet. You have any ideas?
BONES: I'm a doctor, not a playwrite!
SULU: What puzzles me, captain, is that we don't know who Prospero is in this re-enactment.
BONES: And what puzzles me is that after fourty-five minutes I still don't know what the hell this blasted plant is!
KIRK: And what puzzles me is -
ARIEL: Hraaaagnaaaag!
KIRK: Oh, nuts! We got a mean Ariel this time, folks! (he draws his pistol, and fires, but nothing comes out) My Radar Raygun! It doesn't work!
BONES (grabbing it, inspecting it briefly, putting it to his ear, and tossing it away): It's dead, Jim.
KIRK (rolling up his sleeves): Well, then, it looks like I'm gonna have to engage in hand-to-hand combat!
(Kirk begins to punch the bestial Arial to the tune of background fistfight-in-the-halls music. Ariel is quickly subdued, and although it never really touched Kirk, he still has his shirt torn)
KIRK: Well, that's one less character we'll have to worry about! Bones, see if you can get any readings on this dude.
BONES: That's gonna be pretty hard to do, seeing that the body is disappearing!
KIRK: You're right, forget about that thing for now. Sulu, give me some coordinates.
SULU: Okay, how about 56-27-76-90-1432?
KIRK: Those sound good to me. Okay, let's get going.
BONES: Where to?
KIRK: The same way we've been heading.
BONES: But what about those coordinates?
KIRK: Who needs 'em. I just wanted some coordinates to liven up the situation. But I am heading forward on purpose. I just have a feeling that it's the right way ...
(Ben Kenobi's Theme)
KHAN: So, ... Mister ... Scott, how comes your work?
SCOTTY: Ach, but it's hard. But I'd endure twice as much if it means being with Miranda.
KHAN (thinking with that evil look that schemers use when they're scheming): Hmmm ... fine then. I have but one more task for you.
SCOTTY: Name it, and if it's within my power, I'll do it.
KHAN: Repair this starship.
SCOTTY: This old heap o' felgercarb?
KHAN: Jes, this old heap of fiddle farp! I want to ride once again on the seas of space in the starship ... Cordoba!
(Chrystler music)
SCOTTY: When I was a'comin' into this place, I took a look at your engines, like all good engineers do. Your impulse engines look like they could be up to working capacity in no time a'tall, but your warp engines look as though they'd been run through a wringer an' hung out to rot. If you turned them on, you'd be lucky if the ion build up didn't make 'em explode.
KHAN: Well, then fix the impulse engines first. I don't care how badly the warp drive is shot, the dilithium is still in good working order. I figured that out myself, having such a high genetically-spawned intelligence when compared to yours.
SCOTTY: Yeah - yawn! - I know that. All right, I be gettin' to work on yer engines, but no promises about the thing that right now I wouldn't even call a warp drive. (he goes off to the engine place)
KHAN: Jes, I know you love him, my pet. But he is about to help me solve a great injustice that has been done to me in the past by ... captain ... Kirk. Now, go make breakfast, Miranda, while I check on the condition of Tatoo.
MIRANDA: Arf! (she heads off to the kitchen)
TATOO (reaching the outside of the starship Cordoba): Okay, thees is my old boss' - hic! - starship. See, it says so right here: "USS Cordoba, property of the boss." Aw, isn't that nice - he even left the door open so we could come in and surprise him before we killed him!
CHECKOV: I don't know - hic! - about this. Leaving the door open looks a bit suspicious to me. Uhura, what does Spock say?
UHURA: Don't ask me, silly.
CHECKOV: You're right. (he opens his communicator) Spock, what do you say?
SPOCK: Well, I usually say, "That's highly illogical," but depending on the situation I have been known to say other things.
CHECKOV: So what? Geeve me some information I can use!
SPOCK: All right. We are currently in the star system of Grimlador, thirty light-years distant from the system of Aritarium, home of the planet Malokanastria VII. We are also running dreadfully low of peanut butter up here on the bridge. See if you can locate any peanut butter mines on the planet.
CHECKOV: Forget it, meester half-breed. We've found Khan, and now we're going to destroy him.
SPOCK: Destroying someone as powerful as Khan would seem most illogical. He could be put to so many good uses - a hat or umbrella rack, for instance.
CHECKOV: Ah, go marry a computer! (he shuts his communicator) Let's go - I've been wanting to do this for a long time.
(They enter, and are face-to-face with the man himself before they know what hit them)
KHAN: Score one for brilliant eyesight!
(Checkov draws his pistol and pulls the trigger, but gets the same response as Kirk did.)
CHECKOV: My Radar Raygun! It doesn't work!
KHAN: It seems I've heard that line somewhere before.
CHECKOV: Why does this happen on every other episode?
KHAN: I don't know. But this time, it was part of my ... Fantasy!
(Fantasy Island music)
KHAN: Besides, I've taught myself the art of wizardry. I am 23.875 times as intelligent as any of you, and am also extremely strong, thanks to my ironed-out genetic background, unlike you, who are only -
CHECKOV (trying to act as sober and as disinterested as possible, the latter of which ain't too hard): Hey, Khan! Your robes are wrinkled!
KHAN: Where? Where?
(As Khan looks down at his robes, Checkov swings his empty Wodka bottle at his head, which shatters on impact. Khan simply looks up, rather disgusted, and hits Checkov on his chest with the back of his hand, which sends him flying across the room into a wall, knocking him out.
   Uhura immediately steps up to him, and swings her fist. Khan avoids the blow effortlessly, and the miss sends Uhura spinning around until she falls down and gets knocked out on the pavement. Tatoo simply stares in disbelief, wondering why he ever allowed himself to get in the company of that pair of goons)
KHAN: Now is where my wizardry comes in! Eye of potato, wing of bat, leg of lamb, and all of that; Take these people who don't use Scope, and tie them up with a magical rope!
(In a flash of cheap special effects, the three are siting back-to-back, tied with a non-corporeal rope, muttering curses in three different languages, and not quite all conscious, including Tatoo)
KHAN: There ... jes ... jes ... I have you now!
KIRK: Not quite, Prospero!
KHAN (turning): Captain ... Kirk!
KIRK (suddenly recognizing him): Khan!
BONES: Blast it, you two, this is no time to reminisce about old times!
KIRK: Okay, so our Prospero isn't exactly a nice one. All right, Khan, you've had it (he starts rolling up his sleeves) It's hand-to-hand combat time again!
(Kirk lays into Khan, and hits him about five times as hard as he can in his stomach. Khan non-chalantly picks him up and hurls him against another wall that he didn't hurl Checkov into)
KHAN: There, you see? I am seven point six five five times as strong as you, ... captain ... Kirk. I am much stronger, and I am 23.875 times as intellingent as you, and I'm a wizard, and you're just an ordinary human, and star fleet was too soft on you when you were in military training, and why are you taking that old M-14 automatic rifle off my wall that I left loaded all this time?
KIRK: Why do you think, sucker!
(He pulls the trigger, and a myriad of bullets fly out of the gun barrel to the tune of that old country rat-tat-tat. When the smoke clears, Kirk miraculously sees Khan standing there, unharmed, with his arms folded)
KHAN: Well, it seems I do have a monopoly on random chance. You missed me!
KIRK: Why the hell do you do all this?
KHAN: I am the great dictator, Khan.
(Darth Vader's theme)
KHAN: You stranded me here in the Starship Cordoba.
(Chrystler music)
KHAN: And for twelve long years, getting my revenge on you has been my fantasy!
(Fantasy Island music)

KIRK: Twelve years? The series hasn't even been on TV that long!
KHAN: Of course it has! It must have! I counted the long years as the sun completed its cycle twelve times!
KIRK (almost giggling): Khan, you idiot, the years on this planet are shorter than the days! You've been waiting for us for twenty-four long weeks, it seems!
KHAN: No! No! I will not stand for it! (He takes a magic wand out from his robes) Now, ... captain ... Kirk, I am going to destroy you once and for all!
ANNOUNCER: We will return after these messages.
(A Klingon ship converges on a planet)
CHICKEN: Cluck, cluck cluck!
(Distruptor bolts begin laying waste to the surface)
ANNOUNCER: If you feel like you're all alone out there, get out the yellow pages. Because there's somebody in there who can help you borrow thousands of megacredits on your home, whether it's paid for or not....
(The Star Fleet begins closing in to the tune of Columbia the Gem of the Ocean)
ANNOUNCER: Maimes home loan.
OTHER ANNOUNCER: And now back to "The Ion Tempest"
KHAN: And now, I will destroy you! (He waves his wand a couple of times, and suddenly falls to the ground in a flash of blue light which is normally reserved to phaser light-effects)
KIRK: And he thinks he has a monopoly on random chance! His magic wand just backfired!
SCOTTY (entering): Ach, wha' has been happenin' here?
SCOTTY: Ach, Miranda, my true love! Come to my arms! (she does just that)
KIRK: Scotty, you're in love with a dog?
SCOTTY (with stars in his eyes and half his normal strength in his limbs): What ever gave you that idea?
KIRK: I have a feling that Khan'll be waking up soon. If we don't get some dilithium, we can't go very far without him creating another ion tempest and dragging us down to him again.
SCOTTY: Aye, if it's dilithium you be wantin', this starship has four good-sized crystals still left in 'er.
KIRK: Scotty, you're fantastic.
SCOTTY: Well, when you're right, you're right, cap'n.
KHAN: Oooooh! My aching neural system.
(Kirk immediately opens his communicator, aims it at Khan, and presses a special signaling button. Khan falls back down instantly)
KIRK: Thank you, Spock.
SPOCK: You're welcome Jim, but I think that transmitting a Vulcan neck-pinch through a communicator is most -
KIRK (slapping shut the communicator before Spock has a chance to say the nerve-wracking word): Sulu, check this place for radiation poisoning.
SULU (after a second): None, sir.
KIRK: I didn't think there was any.
SULU: Then why'd you want me to check?
KIRK: Just to give you something to do.
BONES (scanning Khan with his fry-corder): Jim, this man is incredible! If I could study him, we could make modern medical technique seem obsolete by comparison!
KIRK: Please, don't bother me with far-reaching human goals.
SCOTTY (returning from what should have taken him half an hour to do): Here are the crystals, cap'n.
KIRK: Great, and - hey, what are those three doing?
CHECKOV (hung over, groggy, and half-conscious): Da. Don't let dee capitalist pigs stand in your way. Workers of the world unite! Don't give up the sheep! Damn the albedo torpedoes, full speed ahead!
KIRK: Checkov!
CHECKOV (in open-mouthed astonishment): Capteen Kirk! I was just thinking about you, and about what a great guy you are, and how great the Federation ees, and how wrong Marx really was, and -
KIRK: Yeah, sure, sure. Just let me untie you. Harrrrumph! Boy, these non-corporeal magic ropes are tough! Ah, got it! Uhura, who's the little guy?
TATOO: I am not a little guy! I'm just a little short for my height!
KIRK: Well, I suppose ... if you want ... you can come along with us on the starship Undersized.
TATOO: That piece of Felgercarb? I've heard about that ship. It's fought Klingons, giant amoeba, creatures that eat whole planets, and more kinds of enemy races than you can shake a stick at! All the other starships in the Federation ever get to do is sit in dry dock, go on training missions, and fill out a few zillion forms! If you think that after all that, your ship is still in as good condition as when it started out, you're crazy!
KIRK: Okay, then, you can stay on this barren wasteland of a world! See if I care!
TATOO: Okay, I'll do just that! (they both fold their arms and face away from each other)
SCOTTY: Pardon me for a'bargin' in on your little argument, but how about Miranda?
KIRK: Huh? Oh, that dachshund. Yeah, she can come too, but only if she's had her shots.
SCOTTY: Would you ask your true love to come along only if she's had her shots? Would you leave the one you love behind just because she's not immunized against rabies?
KIRK: Naturally I would.
SCOTTY (backing off): Okay, just checking.
SCOTTY: No problem, cap'n, she says she's had her shots.
BONES: Blast it Jim, are you going to take the word of a little wiener dog?
KIRK: Wouldn't you?
BONES: Ah, drage! Does this mean we're going to have another happy ending?
KIRK: 'fraid so.
SULU: Captain, I suggest we leave.
KIRK: But why?
SULU: Why not?
KIRK: Mr. Sulu, your logic exceeds that of Spock himself.
BONES: Sulu, what the hell is this plant?!
SULU: Blast it, I'm a navigator, not a botanist!
(Bones clams up. Scotty whispers something in Kirk's ear)
KIRK: Right! Let's get out of here!
(one big film cut later)
KIRK: Are the dilithium crystals all in place?
SCOTTY (lowering Miranda to the deck) Sure thing. But I suggest you close the dome. I hate it when all the air escapes and we all die and blow up.
KIRK: Yeah, me too. (he reaches up and pulls down a little lever which drags the dome behind it) Okay, then, ahead Mr. Sulu, warp factor one.
SULU: Aye aye, sir.
UNDERSIZED: Crash! Grind! Rrrrroar!! Whoosh!
SPOCK: Captain, why did you take off from the surface of a planet on warp drive?
KIRK (switching the viewscreen to a rear view): That's why!
(The screen displays the USS Cordoba falling away behind them, with all of its weapons targeted on the Undersized and Khan in the front window madly shaking his fist and shouting something obscene (like frak, for instance))
KIRK: Scotty managed to repair Khan's impulse engines before we arrived. If we had delayed any longer, Khan would've blasted us apart with his primitive but useful Lasher-Laser guns. Now that we're going faster-than-light, no ordinary weapons can touch us.
SPOCK: Believe me, attacking us with a ship the size of the USS Cordoba is most illogical.
(Kirk reaches for his Radar Raygun, but suddenly remembers he threw it away back on Seymoremalomaly. He searches for another alternative)
KIRK: Computer!
COMPUTER: Shut up! (the entire instrument panel shuts down)
SPOCK: Captain, what setting would you have used on me if you still had your Radar Raygun?
KIRK: What else, old friend - kill, naturally.
KIRK'S VOICE: Captain's log, stardate 3.14159. Khan is a real jerk, but he does have a rather good intelligence, and body, and wizard's power, and ... and ... ZZZZZZZ!
(The Undersized fades away to the sight of the name of the executive producer)

Author's notes from 2014:
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