Roger M. Wilcox Length = words
18550 Prairie St. #10
Northridge, CA 91324
October 17, 1982
"Star Trick: The Ion Tempest"
Roger M. Wilcox
CAPTAIN KIRK'S VOICE: Captain's log, stardate 2.71828. We are
currently in orbit around the planet Seymoremalomaly, having
come here in search of --
MR. SPOCK'S VOICE: That's my show!
KIRK'S VOICE: Shut up. In seach of dilithium crystals for our
warp engines, like we do in every show, which is stupid
because dilithium crystals are supposed to last for five
years of use. Unfortunately, we were viciously seized by a
trigger incident, and are now in the midst of an ion storm
of intensity . . . of intensity . . . well anyway it's
pretty darned big.
KIRK: Aye matey, Hoist the mainsail! Batten down the hatches!
SULU [aside to Checkov]: I think he means "Go to warp drive and
activate the shields."
CHECKOV: Oh, hello dere, Capteen -- <hic>!
KIRK: Checkov, you Russian from Sebastia you! Have you been
sipping at the Romulan ale?
CHECKOV: Me? Drink -- <hic>! -- Romulan ale? I only drink good
old all American -- <hic>! -- Russion wodka. I've never
touched a blue drink in my life, especially not one from
Romula. And besides, I don't sip it if I can drink it all
down in a gulp!
KIRK: Never mind, just get back to your station . . . which I
presume is NBC. Spock, how are we doing?
SPOCK: Not too good, Captain. The ion storm appears to be
dragging us down toward Seymoremalomaly. And by the way, in
the time it took me to say the name of that planet, you
could have slammed a drawer shut two thousand, three hundred
seventy-eight times. Choosing such long planetary names is
highly illogical.
KIRK [gritting his teeth]: Okay, mister logic! [relaxes]
Scotty, get me full warp power -- FAST!
SCOTTY: Ach, but Cap'n sir, the dilithium crystals are a'breakin'
down inta their natural state!
KIRK: And what is their natural state?
SCOTTY: Oatmeal, sir! If it continues at this rate our
antimatter could pour cream and sugar all over 'em and eat
'em all up!
KIRK: Don't tear your hair out just yet, Scotty. Dilithium-based
oatmeal is cold and lumpy; I don't think the antimatter'd
have much of an appetite for it.
[distant explosion]
KIRK: What was that?
SPOCK: An explosion, sir.
KIRK: I know that, but from what?
SPOCK: Probably something going "boom."
KIRK [slowly turning purple]: Brilliant . . . Spock . . . !
SPOCK: Why are you turning purple, Captain? Turning purple at a
time like this seems most illog--
KIRK: NO! PLEASE, DON'T SAY IT!!
SPOCK: Okay, then I won't say that it's most illogical.
KIRK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [wipes his forehead] Whew! I feel much
better now. Okay, Scotty, shut down the warp drive -- FAST!
I hate oatmeal as much as you do. Sulu, keep the
stabilizers going: it looks like we're gonna have to stay
the course with this storm. Spock, did you pinpoint the
source of that explosion?
SPOCK: No, but I have located it.
KIRK [turning purple again]: Okay, logic breath, then what was
it?
SPOCK: It was our phasef banks being destroyed by the ion storm.
KIRK: But . . . that's impossible!
SPOCK: No, Captain, that's incredible.
CATHY LEE CROSBY: That's my show!
SPOCK: Shut up.
KIRK: How could the ion storm get through our shields?
SPOCK: Our shields weren't up.
KIRK: But I said to batten down the -- oh hell, why didn't you
tell me?!
SPOCK: You didn't ask.
KIRK: Okay, then, raise the shields!
SPOCK: Sorry, Captain. Our shields are on strike until safe
operating conditions are restored.
KIRK: Grrrrrrmmmmph! Oh, all right, we'll just have to ride out
the storm. Checkov, what data do we have on Seymoremalom--
[the ship lurches to one side, and the crew jumps around as
though they were actually hit] --aly?
CHECKOV: All the data we had on this system was destroyed at the
same time the Ceti Alpha files were, sir -- <hic>! -- but
that planet down there sure looks forbidden.
KIRK: Forbidden . . . Planet? . . . Yeeee-haaaaaa!
SPOCK: What are you screaming about, Captain? Screaming for
happiness is highly illogical.
KIRK [ignoring Spock's comment]: Sit back and relax, folks. I
know exactly what's going to happen in this episode.
DR. McCOY: Well, what is it, and be quick about it! I don't have
all day! Blast it, Jim, we're dying out here!
KIRK: Gentlemen and Uhura, we are about to re-enact Shakespeare's
"The Tempest!"
[eerie starfield background]
KIRK'S VOICE: Space, the final frontier. These are the voyages
of the starship . . . Undersized. ts three TV season
mission: To explode strange new worlds; to seek out new life
in old Shakespearean plays; to boldly go where no man has
bothered to go before!
--- STAR TRICK ---
PROSPERO: Marooned out here on an uncharted island, things can
get mighty lonely. But there's one thing that always keeps
me in touch with civilization: good old Folders coffee
substitute. It looks and almost tastes like real coffee
should. [sips some out of his non-corporeal coconut shell]
Mmmmm, mmmm! And it helps keep the population down, too.
So take it from a wizard who knows: drink Folders coffee
substitute. It'll really . . . [looks as Ariel fades in]
. . . raise your spirits!
ANNOUNCER: Folder's coffee substitute. Made from 100% real
synthetic plastic. It's the best drink for stormy weather.
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, we return to "Star Trick."
SULU: Sir, the storm's just knocked out our shield generators and
our Light Torpedo launchers.
KIRK: Great, then we're completely defenseless!
SCOTTY: Ach, Cap'n, the dilithium crystals have just overloaded
themselves! They've been eaten up by the antimatter, our
warp power is a'fadin' fast, the ion storm is finishin' off
the engine pods, and -- ach, I just canna take it any more,
Cap'n!
KIRK: Well, that won't matter much now. The ion tempest is
weakening as it drags us further down. I just have the
funny feeling that we're being watched. . . .
[The picture moves back to reveal that the bridge of the
Undersized is only an image in a crystal dodecahedron. In front
of the crystal sits an old man, who looks suspiciously like
Ricardo Montalban, rubbing his chin in thought]
KHAN: Jes . . . jes . . . !
MIRANDA: Arf!
KHAN: Jes, my pet, jou will see your precious marooner very
shortly. For twelve long years I have awaited your return,
. . . Captain . . . Kirk, and now at last it has happened.
Twelve years since you stranded me here on Seymoremalomaly
in the Starship Cordoba. Getting you back here has always
been my . . . Fantasy!
[Fantasy Island theme]
TATOO: Boss, boss, de starship, de starship!
KHAN: Jes, Tatoo, I see it! I am glad I found you on this
deserted planet. You have acted well, but rather uselessly,
as my personal slave
TATOO: True, boss. But don't you think it's kind of strange that
on a planet totally unlike Earth you would find a guy who
looks exactly like one of your species?
KHAN: That never bothered Gene Roddenberry before! Remember the
Vulcans?
TATOO: Oh yeah, never mind. Boss, why did you name me Tatoo when
there's not an artificial mark on my body?
KHAN: Because, Caliban, that was my . . . Fantasy!
[Fantasy Island theme again]
KIRK: Dr. McCoy, what can you do about our present situation?
BONES: I'm a doctor, not an ion storm disruptor!
KIRK: It's not all that bad; all we need is a little more impulse
power to keep from going suborbital.
BONES: I'm a doctor, not an impulse engine engineer!
KIRK: Okay, be that way! See if I care! Spock, how's our orbit
doing?
SPOCK: Our orbit is not following a logical path. [ignores
Kirk's cry of agony] If we maintain our present course, we
should set down on the surface of the planet at a speed of
less than five meters per second.
KIRK: That's not even a crash-landing! Do you know the odds
against an entire starship setting down on a high-gravity
terrestrial planet at a three-point-landing speed?
SPOCK: Yes, I do, they're --
KIRK: Never mind! My guess is that somebody's controlling the
storm to make us land.
SPOCK: Why anyone would want to force us to land on a barren,
Forbidden hunk of fiddle farp like Seymoremalomaly seems
most illogical.
KIRK: Shove it, Spock! We're --
[The ship rocks violently up-and-down]
KIRK: What was that?
SULU: We just set down on Seymoremalomaly's surface.
KIRK: Okay, everybody, it's time to leave the ship and roam
around on a planet we know nothing about again! Arm
yourselves with hand phasefs and check in with the ship
every centar.
SPOCK: Wrong show, Captain.
KIRK: Okay then, every four hundredth of a fortnight (I just love
the British system, don't you?). Spock, you stay behind.
SPOCK: But why, Captain?
KIRK: Well, somebody's gotta take care of the ship, so it might
as well be you, pointy-ears!
[Kirk opens the dome above the bridge without first checking to
see whether the atmosphere outside is breatheable, and he, Bones,
Scotty, Sulu, and Uhura all leave, leaving Spock behind to shrug
off the whole situation as highly illogical]
KIRK: I suggest we split up.
SCOTTY: Ach, but why Cap'n?
KIRK: Look! [shows him Act II of The Tempest]
BONES: Blast it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Shakespearean actor!
KIRK: That ploy won't work this time, Bones. You were once Romeo
in a production of Romeo and Juliet.
BONES: That was in sixth grade!
[Confidently, Kirk opens his communicator and holds it in front
of Bones' face]
SPOCK'S VOICE: Grades are highly illogical.
BONES: Now I see why you turn purple. All right, I'll go along
with it.
KIRK: Okay. Checkov, you and Uhura go thataway.
CHECKOV: Sure thing, Cap-- <hic>! --teen. Hey, Uhura baby, how'd
you like some American -- <hic>! -- Russian wodka?
UHURA: Love some. Romula knows, it's been a long time since I've
had a drink! [sneers at Kirk as she exits]
KIRK: Scotty, you go alone thataway.
SCOTTY: Ach, alright, Cap'n. [aside] At last! Now I can stop
talking with that inane Scottish accent!
KIRK: Sulu, you and Bones come with me.
BONES: But why?
KIRK: Because I need some witty conversation to take the viewing
audience's mind off the fact that this set is the same one
we used for Triancus, Vulcan, and every other primitive
class M terrestrial in the series.
BONES: I'm a doctor, not a conversationalist!
KIRK: That'll do just fine! Come along. . . .
ANNOUNCER: We'll return after these messages.
BALTAR: I have you in my sights, Adama! You're dead meat!
ADAMA: Oh, frak! We're going te be fried!
ROBERT YOUNG: Easy, Adama! It's only the human race.
ADAMA: I know. Dr. Z says I've been getting too much caffeine.
ROBERT: Well, then you should try Stanka brand synthetic coffee.
ADAMA: But I only like real synthetic coffee.
ROBERT [drawing his laser pistol]: Frak it, Adama, Stanka brand
IS real synthetic coffee!
ADAMA: Culp!
RABERT YOUNG: Wrong Robert.
ADAMA: Okay, okay! I'll drink it!
[three sectons later]
ROBERT: Well, Adama, how goes the ol' battle against the Cylons?
ADAMA: Just great, thanks to you and Stanka bra--
EXPLOSION: BLAAAAAAAAM!!
ANNOUNCER: Stanka brand decaffeinated synthetic coffee. For
people who don't want to mind getting blown up.
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, back to "Star Trick."
BONES: Jim, what's this blasted plant here?! I picked it up half
an hour ago and I haven't been able to figure out what in
blazes it is!
KIRK: Well, let's find out. [takes out his communicator]
Computer!
COMPUTER: Hi there!
KIRK [snapping his communicator shut in embarrassment]: Oops . . .
he heh, wrong computer. [opens his communicator once
more] Real computer!
REAL COMPUTER: Yes-what-the-felgercarb-do-you-want?!
KIRK: I want to know --
COMPUTER: Hurry-up-I-haven't-got-all-24-hour-period!
KIRK: Will you let me finish?
COMPUTER: No.
KIRK: Spock!
SPOCK: Yes, Captain? I presume the computer has been acting
highly illogical toward you.
KIRK [aside]: I don't know which is worse, him or that
non-logical counterpart of his! [to Spock] Spock, do you
know anything about Dr. McCoy's blasted plant?
SPCOK: Blasted plants are highly illogical.
KIRK: Grumble . . . growl . . . Okay, then how's the ship doing?
SPOCK: Well, its fever's down, and repairs are being made on the
crippled weapons systems. But without new dilithium
crystals, the warp engines will be useless.
KIRK: Well, is there any dilithium on this planet?
SPOCK: I'll ask the computer. [loud clanging and clashing of
computer parts, slowly calming down into polite beeps and
hums] According to the readings, there is exactly 2.63
grams of dilithium on this planet.
KIRK: And where is it located?
SPOCK: All over. The amount is negligible.
KIRK: Then that means . . . we're stranded!
[Alexander Courage dramatic musical sting]
KIRK: I just hope that whoever our Prospero turns out to be, he's
a nice one.
KHAN [looking at the scene in his crystal dodecahedron]: Don't
jou wish, . . . Captain . . . Kirk! Ariel!
ARIEL: Hraaaagnaaaag!
KHAN: Ariel, go forth. Give . . . Captain . . . Kirk a workout
he'll never remember!
ARIEL: Hraaaagnaaaag! [exeunt]
MIRANDA: Arf!
KHAN: Jou dachshunds are all alike, but I love jou all the same,
Miranda. Jes, soon . . . Captain . . . Kirk will be in our
clutches. Whatever's left of him, that is!
SCOTTY [wandering into Khan's starship]: Hey, this ship don't
look too hot. I mean, it is o-old! Them warp engines look
like they have enough ionic buildup to blow the ship t'hell,
man. And the walls are painted (yecch!) white! The
Federation hasn't used white since --
MIRANDA: Arf!
[Miranda and Scotty exchange glances, and they both realize it's
true love]
SCOTTY [embracing Miranda]: Oh, doggy! You're so cool, dude! I
mean like doggy --
KHAN [barging in]: Her name is Miranda!
SCOTTY [abruptly setting Miranda down]: Ach! Aye, and she is a
fine lassie of a dag, this Mirando.
KHAN: Miranda!
SCOTTY: Like I be sayin', Miranda.
KHAN: So, jou have fallen instantly in love with my dog.
SCOTTY: Well, maybe not really truly in deep hyper-theoretical
love, but --
KHAN: If jou want to claim her, jou will have to run some . . .
errands.
SOCTTY: Aye, I'd do anything for the little bitch -- er, dog.
KHAN: Good. Then assist Tatoo in his work.
SCOTTY: Aye, and what be a Tatoo?
TATOO: Boss, you got me a buddy!
KHAN: That be a Tatoo.
SCOTTY: Aye, he sure looks like an able-bodied shrimp. What
should I do with him?
KHAN: Jou will perform his duties along with him, and when he is
not around, you will keep performing his duties without him,
since you can't very well perform his duties with him when
he's not there.
SCOTTY: But wha'll we be doin'?
KHAN: Oh, shining my crystal dodecahedron, polishing my starship
from the outside, bringing me my magic wands when I call for
them -- jou know, slave stuff.
SCOTTY: Okay. Uh, by the by, what's this starship's name?
KHAN [majestically]: This is the starship . . . Cordoba!
[Crysler music]
SCOTTY: How did you do that?
KHAN: I have a deal with the Crysler corporation. I also have a
compact with Fantasy Island, being Mr. Rourke, and I further
have a monopoly on random chance, being a great wizard.
SCOTTY: How did ya get ta be a wizard?
KHAN: It was my . . . Fantasy!
[Fantasy Island theme]
KHAN: As you know, I am also a product of late twentieth-century
genetic engineering, and therefore possess super-human
strength and intelligence. In fact, I am almost 23.875
times as strong as you mentally, and -- wake up!
SCOTTY: Zzzz -- oh, did ya say somethin'?
KHAN: Never mind, it wasn't important. Now, get to work. Tatoo!
Tatoo? Now where did that human copy go?
[cut to . . . ]
CHECKOV: <hic>! Hey, is O'hura an Irish name?
UHURA: No, silly -- he he he -- it's Swahili! How many Irish
people do you know of named Uhura?
CHECKOV: Well . . . er . . . -- <hic>! -- none.
UHURA: And how many Swahili people do you know of named Uhura?
CHECKOV: To date? [counts on his fingers] One.
UHURA: There, silly -- he he he -- see my point?
CHECKOV: Oh, Uhura, you're so -- hey!
UHURA: I don't know whether to take that as a compliment or not.
CHECKOV: Who is this little guy?
TATOO: I'm not a little guy! I'm Tatoo, the little guy from
Fantasy Island.
CHECKOV: A toast to people who contradict themselves! [drinks
from his bottle of wodka -- er, vodka] What are you doing
here, anyway?
TATOO: I'm running away from my master.
CHECKOV: Why would you do something -- <hic>! -- like that?
TATOO: Because he is evil, nasty, mean, and rotten!
CHECKOV: So? He doesn't sound so bad. Who is he?
TATOO: He is Khan.
CHECKOV: MARX AND ENGLES! No wonder you ran away!
TATOO: What are you people, anyway?
UHURA: Well, I'm Swahilian.
CHECKOV: And I'm Sebastian.
TATOO: Okay, Sebastian and -- what did you say your name was?
UHURA: Uhura.
TATOO: Sebastian and Uhura, can I have a drink of that wodka?
CHECKOV: Nope -- <hic>! -- but you can have all the wodka you
want.
TATOO: Thanks! [grabs the bottle and empties it down his throat]
Aah! I like you, -- <hic>! -- Sebastian. In fact, I like
you a lot better than I do Khan.
CHECKOV: I hate Khan.
TATOO: Me too. Hey, you want to -- <hic>! -- kill him?
UHURA: He he he -- sounds like fun.
TATOO: Okay then, let's go for it! This shall be the day that
Khan dies!
CHECKOV [aside]: He's forgetting that the days on Seymoremalomaly
-- <hic>! -- are three weeks long!
ANNOUNCER: We will return after these messages.
[Kirk takes out 5 Klingons with a hand phaser]
ANNOUNCER: You've had a hard day fighting the empire back, and
now --
SPOCK: Captain, it is most logical to assume that it's Muller
Time.
JOE COUNTRY: When it's time to relax . . . one beer stands clear
. . .
KIRK: Oh, shut up!
KIRK'S PHASER: Fewewewewewewe!
JOE: Aaaaaaah!
JOE'S BODY: Sizzle!
SPOCK: A most logical decision, Captain.
ANNOUNCER: Muller beer. The one beer brewed with choice Vulcan
hops and Romulan barley. Beer's never been so logical.
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, back to the program.
KIRK: I can't understand why we haven't found Prospero yet. You
have any ideas?
BONES: I'm a doctor, not a playwrite!
SULU: What puzzles me, Captain, is that we don't know who
Prospero is in this re-enactment.
BONES: And what puzzles me is that after forty-five minutes I
still don't know what the hell this blasted plant is!
KIRK: And what puzzles me is --
ARIEL: Hraaaagnaaaag!
KIRK: Oh, nuts! We've got a mean Ariel this time, Folks! [draws
his pistol and fires, but nothing comes out] My phasef! It
doesn't work!
BONES [grabbing Kirk's phasef, inspecting it briefly, shaking it
next to his ear, and tossing it away]: It's dead, Jim.
KIRK [rolling up his sleeves]: Well then, it looks like I'm gonna
have to engage in hand-to-hand combat!
[Kirk punches the bestial Ariel to the tune of
fistfight-in-the-halls background music. Ariel is quickly
subdued, and although it never really touched him, Kirk's shirt
is torn]
KIRK: Well, that's one less character we'll have to worry about!
Bones, see if you can get any readings on this dude.
BONES: That's gonna be pretty hard to do, seeing that the body is
disappearing!
KIRK: You're right, forget about that thing for now. Sulu, give
me some coordinates.
SULU: Okay, how about 56-27-61-90-1432?
KIRK: That sounds fine to me. Okay, let's keep going in the same
direction we've been heading.
BONES: But what about those coordinates?
KIRK: Who needs 'em? I just wanted some coordinates to remind
the audience that this is the 23rd century. But I do have a
very good reason for continuing forward.
BONES: And what's that?
KIRK: It feels like it's the right way. . . .
[Ben Kenobi's theme]
[cut to . . . ]
KHAN: So . . . Mister . . . Scott, how goes jour work?
SCOTTY: Aye, but it's hard. Yet I'd endure twice as much if it
means being with Miranda.
KHAN [scheming with that evil look in his eye that schemers have
when they're scheming]: Hmmm . . . fine then. I have but
one more task for jou.
SCOTTY: Name it, and if it's within me power, I'll do it.
KHAN: Repair this starship.
SCOTTY [astonished]: This old heap o' felgercarb?
KHAN: Jes, this old heap of fiddle farp! I want to ride once
again on the seas of space in the starship . . . Cordoba!
[Crysler music]
SCOTTY: When I was a'comin' inta this place, I took a look at yer
engines like all good engineers do. Yer impulse engines
looked like they could be up ta workin' capacity in no time
a'tall, but yer warp engines look as though they've been run
through a wringer an' hung out ta rot. If ya turned 'em on,
ya'd be lucky if the ion buildup dinna make 'em explode.
KHAN: Well, then fix the impulse engines first. I don't care how
badly the warp drive is shot, the dilithium is still in good
shape. I figured that out myself, having such a high
genetically-spawned intelligence when compared to yours.
SCOTTY: Yeah -- <yawn>! -- I know that. All right, I'll be
gettin' ta work on yer engines, but no promises about the
thing that right now I wouldn't even call a warp drive.
[goes off to the engine place]
MIRANDA: Arf!
KHAN: Jes, I know you love him, my pet. But he is about to help
me undo a great injustice that has been struck against me by
. . . Captain . . . Kirk. Now, go make breakfast, Miranda,
while I check on the condition of Tatoo.
MIRANDA: Arf! [heads off to the kitchen]
TATOO [reaching the outside of the starship Cordoba]: Okay, thees
is my boss' -- <hic>! -- starship. See, it says so right
here: "USS Cordoba, property of the boss." Aw, isn't that
nice, he even left the door open so we could come in and
surprise him before we killed him!
CHECKOV: I don't know -- <hic>! -- about this. Leaving the door
open looks a bit suspicious to me. Uhura, what does Spock
say?
UHURA: Don't ask me, silly!
CHECKOV: Yuo're right. [opens his communicator] Spock, what do
you say?
SPOCK: Well, I usually say, "That's highly illogical," but on
occasion I have been known to say other things.
CHERKOV: <ahem>! -- Could you geeve me some information I can
use?!
SPOCK: Certainly. We are currently in the star system of
Grimlador, thirty light-years distant from the star system
of Aritarium, home to the compladonium-rich planet of
Malokanastria VII. We are also running dongerously low on
peanut butter up here on the bridge. See if you can locate
any peanut butter mines on the planet.
CHECKOV: Forget it, meester half-breed. We found Khan, and now
we're going to destroy him.
SPOCK: Destroying Khan seems most illogical. He could be put to
so many good uses -- a hat or umbrella rack, for instance.
CHECKOV: Ah, go marry a computer! [shuts his communicator]
Let's go -- I've been waiting to give it to Khan for a long
time.
[They enter, and are face-to-face with the man himself before
they know what hit them]
CHECKOV: Khan!
KHAN: Score one point for brilliant eyesight.
[Checkov draws his pistol and pulls the trigger, getting the same
non-response that Kirk did]
CHECKOV: My phasef! It doesn't work!
KHAN: Seems that line's been used before.
CHECKOV: Why does this happen on every other episode?
KHAN: Well, I don't know about the excuses Roddenberry used on
the other planets, but this time it was part of my . . .
Fantasy!
[Fantasy Island theme]
KHAN: Besides, I have taught myself the art of wizardry. I am
23.875 times as intelligent as any of jou, and am also
extremely strong, thanks to my ironed-out genetic
background, unlike jou, who are only --
CHECKOV [trying to act as sober and as disinterested as possible,
the latter of which ain't to hard]: Hey, Khan! Your robes
are wrinkled!
KHAN: Where? Where?
[As Khan inspects his robes, Checkov hits him in the head with
his empty wodka bottle, which shatters on impact. Khan looks up,
rather disgusted, and hits Checkov in the chest with the back of
his hand, throwing him across the room and into a wall, out cold.
[Uhura charges up to him and swings her fist. Khan avoids the
blow effortlessly, but the miss sends Uhura spinning around until
she falls down and gets knocked out on the deck. Tatoo simply
stares in disbelief, wondering why he ever allowed himself to get
in the company of that pair of goons]
KHAN: Now is where my magic comes in!
"Eye of potato, wing of bat,
Leg of lamb, and all of that;
Take these people who don't use Scope,
And tie them up with a magical rope!"
[In a flash of cheap special effects, the three are sitting
back-to-back, tied with a non-corporeal rope, muttering curses in
three or four different languages. They aren't completely
conscious]
KHAN: There. . . . Jes . . . jes . . . I have jou now!
KIRK: Not quite, Prospero!
KHAN [turning]: . . . Captain . . . Kirk!
KIRK [recognizing him]: Khan!
BONES: Blast it you two, this is no time to reminisce about old
times!
KIRK: Okay, so our Prospero isn't exactly a nice one, either.
All right, Khan, you've had it! [starts rolling up his
sleeves] It's hand-to- hand combat time again!
[Kirk lays into Khan and hits him five times as hard as he can in
the solar plexus. Khan non-chalantly picks him up and hurls him
against another wall that he didn't hurl Checkov into]
KHAN: There, jou see? I am 7.655 times as strong as jou, . . .
Captain . . . Kirk. I am much stronger, and I am 23.875
times as intelligent as jou, and I'm a wizard, and you're
just an ordinary human, and Star Fleet was too soft on jou
in combat training, and why are jou taking that old loaded
M-14 automatic rifle down from my wall?
KIRK: Why do you think, sucker!
[He pulls the trigger, and a myriad of bullets fly out of the gun
barrel. Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat. . . . When the smoke clears, Khan is
miraculously standing there with his arms folded, unharmed]
KHAN: Well, it seems I do have a monopoly on random chance; jou
missed me!
KIRK: Why the hell did you drag us down here and do all this?
KHAN: I am the great dictator, Khan!
[Darth Vader's theme]
KHAN: Jou, . . . Captain . . . Kirk --
[Indiana Jones music]
KHAN: -- in jour starship Enterprise --
[Old Alexander Courage Star Trek theme]
KHAN: -- stranded me here in the starship Cordoba!
[Crysler music]
KHAN: I have wanted ever since then to show jou the wrath of Khan!
[Star Trek II theme]
KHAN: And now, after twelve long years, I will at last be able to
complete my . . . Fantasy!
[Fantasy Island theme]
KIRK: Twelve years? The series hasn't even been on TV that long.
KHAN: Of course it has! It must have! I counted the long years
as Seymoremalomaly cycled Grimlador twelve times!
KIRK [almost laughing]: Khan, you idiot! The years on this
planet are shorter than the days! You've been waiting for
me for twenty-four long weeks, it seems!
KHAN: No! No, I will not stand for it! [takes a magic wand out
from his robes] Now, . . . Captain . . . Kirk, I am going
to destroy jou once and for all!
ANNOUNCER: We will return after these messages.
[A Klingon ship converges on a planet. Its sole inhabitant is
seen cowering in a corner with a chicken]
CHICKEN: Cluck, cluck, cluck!
[Disruptor bolts begin laying waste to the planet's surface]
ANNOUNCER: If you need money, and you feel like you're all alone
out there, get out the yellow pages. Because there's
somebody in there who can help you borrow thousands of
megacredits on your home planet, whether it's paid for or
not. . . .
[Just as the man pushes the first button on his phone, the Star
Fleet appears from out of nowhere to the tune of "Columbia the
Gem of the Ocean"]
ANNOUNCER: Aim's home loan.
ANOTHER ANNOUNCER: And now, back to "The Ion Tempest."
KHAN: And now, I will destroy jou! [waves his wand a couple of
times, and suddenly falls to the ground in a flash of blue
light which is normally reserved for the special effects of
phasers]
KIRK: And he thinks he has a monopoly on random chance. His wand
just backfired!
SCOTTY [entering]: Ach, wha' has been a'happenin' here?
MIRANDA: Arf!
SCOTTY: Aye, Miranda, my true love! Come to my arms! [she does
just that]
KIRK: Scotty, you're in love with a dog?
SCOTTY [with stars in his eyes and half his normal strength in
his limbs]: Wha'ever gave ya that idea?
KIRK: I have a feeling that Khan'll be waking up soon. If we
don't get some dilithium, we won't get very far before he
creates another ion tempest and drags us back down again.
SCOTTY: Aye, if it's dilithium ya be wantin', this starship has
four good- sized crystals still left in 'er.
KIRK: Scotty, you've just earned your week's pay. You're
fantastic!
SCOTTY: Well, when yer right, yer right, Cap'n.
KHAN [groggily]: Oooooh! My aching neural system.
[Kirk opens his communicator, aims it at Khan, and presses a
special signaling button. Khan falls back down instantly, with a
violent Alex Courage musical sting in the background]
KIRK: Thank you, Spock.
SPOCK'S VOICE: You're welcome, Jim, but I still think that
transmitting a Vulcan nerve-pinch through a communicator is
most --
KIRK [snapping the communicator shut]: Well, Sulu, why don't you
check this place for radiation poisoning or something.
SULU [after a second]: There's none present, sir.
KIRK: Well, if there was, we'd be dead by now anyway.
SULU: Then why'd you want me to check?
KIRK: Oh, just to give you something to do.
BONES [scanning Khan with his fry-corder]: Jim, this man is
incredible! If I could study him, we could make modern
medical technique seem obsolete by comparison!
KIRK: Please, don't bother me with far-reaching human goals.
SCOTTY [returning from what should have taken him half an hour to
do]: Here are the crystals, Cap'n.
KIRK: Great, and -- hey, what are those three doing all tied up?
CHECKOV [hung over and groggy]: Da. Don't let dee capitaleest
pigs stand in your way. Working men of all nations, unite!
Don't give up the sheep! Damn the Light Torpedoes, full
speed ahead!
KIRK: Checkov!
CHECKOV [astonished]: Capteen Kirk! I was just theenking about
you, and about how great the Federation is, and how wrong
Marx really was, and --
KIRK: Yeah, sure, sure. Just let me untie you. <Harrrrumph>!
Boy, these non-corporeal magic ropes sure are tough! Ah,
got it! Uhura, who's the little guy?
TATOO: I am not a little guy! I'm just a little short for my
height!
KIRK: Well, I suppose . . . if you want . . . you can come along
with us on the starship Undersized.
TATOO: That piece of felgercarb? I've heard about that ship.
It's fought Klingons, Romulans, giant amoeba, machines that
eat planets for midnight snacks, and more kinds of exotic
enemy races than you can shake a loaded stick at! All the
other starships in the Federation ever get to do is sit in
dry dock, go on training missions, and fill out a few
zillion forms in triplicate! If you think that after all
your ship's been through it's still in as good condition as
when it started out, you're crazy!
KIRK: Okay, then you can stay on this barren wasteland of a
world! See if I care!
TATOO: Okay, I'll just do that!
[They both fold their arms and face away from each other]
SCOTTY: Pardon me for a'bargin' in on yer little argument, but
wha' about Miranda?
KIRK: Huh? Oh, that dachshund. Yeah, she can come too, but only
if she's had her shots.
SCOTTY: Would ya ask yer true love ta come along only if she's
had her shots? Would ya leave the one ya love behind just
a'cause she's not immunized against rabies?
KIRK: Naturally I would.
SCOTTY [backing off]: Okay, just checking, just checking.
MIRANDA: Arf!
SCOTTY: No problem, Cap'n. She says she's had her shots.
BONES: Blast it Jim, are you gonna take the word of a little
weiner dog?!
KIRK: Wouldn't you?
BONES: Ah, drage! Does this mean we're going to have another
happy ending?
KIRK: 'fraid so.
SULU: Captain, I suggest we leave.
KIRK: Why?
SULU: Why not?
KIRK: Mr. Sulu, your logic exceeds that of Mr. Spock himself.
BONES: Sulu, what the hell is this blasted plant?!
SULU: I'm a helmsman, not a botanist!
[McCoy clams up. Mr. Scott whispers something in Captain Kirk's
ear]
KIRK: Right! Let's go!
[one big film cut later]
SCOTTY [with Miranda by his side]: All the dilithium crystals are
in place, Cap'n. But I suggest ya close the dome before we
leave. I hate it when all the air rushes out and we all
asphyxiate and blow up.
KIRK: Yeah, me too. [reaches up and pulls down a little lever
which drags the whole bridge-dome behind it] Okay then, Mr.
Sulu, ahead warp factor one.
SULU: Aye aye, sir.
U.S.S. UNDERSIZED (NBC 1701): Crash! Grind! Rrrrroar!! Whoosh!
SPOCK: Captain, taking off from the planet's surface on warp
drive seemed most illogical.
KIRK [switching the viewscreen to rear]: Not really; look!
[The screen displays the USS Cordoba falling away behind them,
with all its weapons targeted on the Undersized. Khan's
silhouette is in the Cordoba's front window, madly shaking its
fists and shouting something obscene (like frak, for instance)]
KIRK: Scotty managed to repair Khan's impulse engines before we
arrived. If we had delayed any longer, Khan would've ripped
us to shreds with his primitive but useful lasef guns. Now
that we're going faster-than-light, no ordinary weapons can
touch us.
SPOCK: Believe me, attacking us with a ship the size of the USS
Cordoba is highly illogical.
[Kirk reaches for his phasef pistol, but suddenly remembers he
threw it away back on Seymoremalomaly. He searches for another
alternative]
KIRK: Computer!
COMPUTER: Shut-up!
[the entire instrument panel shuts down]
SPOCK: Captain, what phasef setting would you have used on me if
you still had your pistol?
KIRK: What else, old friend? Kill.
KIRK'S VOICE: Captain's log, stardate 3.14159. Khan is a real
jerk, but he does have rather good intelligence, and
physical development, and wizard's power, and . . . and
. . . zzzzZZZZZZ!
[The Undersized fades away to the printed name of the executive
producer, Gene L. Goon]