Yes! It had to happen! The moment you've most feared has come to pass! The Crossover Parody from Hell has arrived! I'll be ducking around the corner wearing my baseball-bat-proof vest as you cringe and read: THE PARODY FROM HELL!!!! ------------------------ Copyright (c) 1994 by Roger M. Wilcox . All rights reserved. This document may be freely distributed. Rights will be transferred to Babylonian Productions Inc. upon request, although if they ever actually WANT to do anything with this script I would seriously question their sanity. Establishing shot: ext. Babylon 5 station, zoom in to C&C. We hear typical radio chatter about dock and launch clearances. Commander Ivanova enters and addresses Captain Sheridan. IVANOVA Captain, we've got a Narn delegation wanting to use the Great Big Plush Docking bay. The Centauri have been occupying that bay for three hours and refuse to move. I'll need your autorization if I'm going to expose those pig-headed peacock-plumed losers to vacuum. SHERIDAN (puts a hand to his chin) Well, that *would* free up our docking space a lot faster. In fact, spacing our guests at regular intervals would speed up station-wide operations by over 200 percent! That's a *great* idea! I think I'll make it station policy! IVANOVA (worried) Um, it, uh, *would* have the rather unpleasant side effect of killing everyone we did it to.... SINCLAIR (emerging from off frame) But this Captain guy is right, it would definitely make things run more smoothly. IVANOVA Commander! SHERIDAN ... Commander ... Sinclair? IVANOVA But ... but ... how did you get here without us knowing about it? SINCLAIR Easy. I never left. IVANOVA You never *left*? SINCLAIR Yeah. I just turned myself sideways at the beginning of the second season. That way, no one could see me. SHERIDAN I'd heard that your character was somewhat two-dimensional, but I didn't think that meant -- IVANOVA (quickly shaking the commander's hand) Welcome back to Babylon 5, Commander. Or back to the land of the visible. Or something. In any case, what were you planning on doing now that you're back? SINCLAIR Planning on doing? Are you kidding, I'm the commander of this station! SHERIDAN W ... well, no you're not. I am. SINCLAIR (grabbing Sheridan by the collar) Whadaya mean, *you're* the commander here?! This is *my* station, you hear! Mine mine mine mine mine! How can you call yourself Babylon 5's commander when you don't even hold the *rank* of commander?! SHERIDAN A captain outranks a commander. IVANOVA And in the interim, I've become a commander, too. SINCLAIR (looks down) (straightens Sheridan's collar) Uh, yeah, okay. I guess. Angle on console. TECH #1 Captain -- er, Commander, uh other Commander -- uh, whoever -- we're getting some tachyon echoes that don't make any sense. IVANOVA Good to see you back on the bridge, Tech #1. Why'd you leave in the first place? TECH #1 Well, you see, I was getting all this adoring fan mail saying how they would love to see my tots. I didn't have any children at the time, but the idea sounded so darling I took some leave so I could have a baby. IVANOVA (scratching her neck uncomfortably) Uh, I think you ought to know something about what the fans mean by "tots". SHERIDAN So, what about the sensor echoes doesn't make sense? TECH #1 Well, from the return delay, they're bouncing off an object roughly 200 million kilometers away. But according to the frequency shift of the echoes, the object is registering a speed of over ten times the speed of light! IVANOVA What? SINCLAIR That's impossible! SHERIDAN Only objects in hyperspace can travel faster than light, and nothing in hyperspace sends back tachyon echoes! Suddenly, a bright light illuminates all their faces and makes them squint. Cut to a shot of the C&C main viewing window. We see a bright point of light just off center, and then streaks come out of it and start to solidify into something. Whetever it is, it's definitely not a jump gate. Cut back to shot of the B5 crew. SINCLAIR My God! TECH #1 What *is* it? SHERIDAN I've never seen anything like it! IVANOVA What twisted race would ever build anything so gargantuanly hideous?! Finally, we get to see what the crew sees. The giant gray craft hovering in front of them bears eight letters emblazoned across the underside of its elliptically curved front: NCC-1701D. OPENING CREDITS Exterior B5 station. All sorts of operations going on. SHERIDAN It was the dawn of the third age of mankind. SINCLAIR You got *that* right. Interior B5 station. All sorts of operations going on. SHERIDAN The Babylon project was a dream given form. Interior B5 station. Ambassadorial stuff. SINCLAIR Try putting a little more bass in your voice, Bruce. Make it a tad more ominous. Main title "Babylon 5" played across the 16x9 screen. SHERIDAN A shining beacon in space ... all alone in the night. Starring: Bruce Boxleitner as Capt. John Sheridan SINCLAIR A "shining beacon in space"? Good grief, the "all alone in the night" part was cheesy enough all by itself! Starring: Claudia Christian as Cmdr. Susan Ivanova SHERIDAN Look, are you going to let me finish the narration, or do I have to brain you with a baseball bat?! Starring: Jerry Doyle as Michael Garibaldi SINCLAIR You and your speeches! You know, us squadron leaders don't bother with namby-pamby anecdotes about Abe Lincoln, because we *know* our subordinates are already motivated! Co-Starring: N'Grath as himself SHERIDAN Oh, and you don't think heavy cruisers have a long and proud history of their own? You just don't like to admit that a fighter squadron is nothing more than a load of hyperactive mavericks who are in it just so they can go "wheeee!" Co-Starring: Mira Furlan as Ambassador Delenn SINCLAIR Oh, sure, you just sit there all cozy-comfy on the bridge of your gigantic damn-near- indestructable cruiser and let the guys manning the bulkheads take the hits for you, all the while knowing that the bridge is the most heavily armored part of the ship. Co-Starring: Bill Mumy as Lennier SHERIDAN As opposed to *you*, who just sits there on one end of your fighter formation barking orders and having overybody else take the risks for you! Co-Starring: J. Michael Straczynski as Ambassador Kosh SINCLAIR Wimp! SHERIDAN Double wimp! Co-Starring: Stephen Furst as Vir SINCLAIR Pretty-faced Hollywood boy! SHERIDAN Wooden actor! With: Andreas Katsulas as Ambassador G'Kar SINCLAIR Take that! SHERIDAN Oof! Why you -- And: Peter Jurasik as Londo Molari SINCLAIR SHERIDAN Ouch! A splinter! Told you you were wooden! Executive Producer: The Great Maker Cut to commercial. ("Next time, on Kung Fu: The Legend Continues, Caine gets involved in more weird mysticism and then bench-presses the entire Earth with his mind. Written and directed by David Carradine.") ACT I Establishing shot of the Enterprise-D staring right down Babylon 5's throat. This time, zoom in on the Enterprise bridge. DATA The vessel does not appear to be responding to our hails. PICARD That's impossible! All races throughout the entire universe use exactly the same set of standard subspace frequencies and modulation schemes. That's Known Law of Parallel Evolution number 24. WORF Maybe they are pretending not to receive us in order to trick us into lowering our shields. I suggest a full spread of photon torpedoes at maximum wardead load. PICARD Counsellor? TROI I sense hostility coming from Mr. Worf, Catpain. PICARD Well, *you're* useless as usual, Deanna. DATA Sir, I know this seems unlikely, but perhaps they are using some alien form of communication that does not use subspace. PICARD Hmmm ... In that case, what could we do to signal them? GEORDI Maybe if we bypassed the secordary plasma relays from the warp core nacelles, we could induce a harmonic phase shift in their graviton field. DATA Or ... we could just use the radio? Interior B5 C&C. TECH #1 Comman -- er, Captain, we're picking up what looks like a VHF NTSC broadcast from the object in front of us. SHERIDAN I was wondering why they weren't responding to our tachyon signals! Put that RF transmission on the main screen. A screen on the side of the bridge switches from the Babcom logo to a picture of everyone's favorite French starship captain. PICARD (on the screen) This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the United Federation of Planets Starship Enterprise. Please identify yourselves. SINCLAIR (staring) Good God, the man's a bowling ball. IVANOVA What a ... er ... sensitive thing for you to say, Commander. SHERIDAN Well, he *looks* human, but I've never heard of any "United Federation of Planets." IVANOVA The name *is* rather reminiscent of that old, powerless United Nations that collapsed at the beginning of the 21st century. SHERIDAN Whoever they are, they have the ability to move faster than light without going into hyperspace. PICARD (on the screen) This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Please identify yourselves. SINCLAIR Can we respond over NTSC ourselves? TECH #1 The NTSC standard hasn't been used since 1997, when it was scrapped due to being, in the words of the ICC, "duller than a sack of wet mice." It'll take the better part of an hour to rig up an NTSC transmitter from the specs. SHERIDAN Make it so. PICARD (on the screen) I heard that! SHERIDAN Wha ... ? PICARD (on the screen, as though nothing happened) This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Please identify yourselves. SINCLAIR This might take a while. I'm going to my quarters. Sinclair exits. We follow him to his quarters, where he enters, sits down on his bed (alone, apparently Sakai is out exploring something), then notices something alarming. SINCLAIR (slaps communicator onto the back of his hand) Garibaldi! Security alert! Ultra-violet priority! Scramble! Scramble! Klaxons go off in the hallway outside his door. The music gets real dramatic. Down a different corridor, we see Garibaldi jogging in front of a hastily assembled Tactical Security Strike Team, leading them down the corridor past flashing red and purple lights until they arrive at Sinclair's door. GARIBALDI Commander! What is it?! SINCLAIR *My duck is missing*!!! GARIBALDI (horrified) Little Danny Duck? Someone stole him?! SINCLAIR Someone must have broken into my quarters! I always keep him in a little dish by my bed, but now that dish is empty! I'll never be able to get to sleep if I can't squeeze his little rubber body and hear him quack! GARIBALDI Alright, guys and gals, spread out, standard search pattern alpha. All breaking and entering protocols in force. Nobody enters or leaves the area without a thorough strip- search. We'll find your rubber ducky, Commander; I swear it. Cut back to bridge. PICARD (on the screen) This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. Please identify yourselves. SHERIDAN How's that NTSC transmitter coming? TECH #1 I think I'm most of the way there, but it's hard to tell. The only manuals we have are hardcopy and over a hundred years old. IVANOVA Well, I hope we can get *some* kind of signal off to that Jonh-Luck Pickerd guy before he decides to open fire on us. She turns. In the process, she accidentally knocks a hairbrush off the console next to her. It falls at the normal 32 feet per second per second of Earth gravity. IVANOVA (picking the brush up) Oops. Hey, wait a minute. SHERIDAN Hmm? IVANOVA This brush. It just fell at the rate of one Earth gee. SHERIDAN Yeah, so? IVANOVA So, C-and-C is located one-third of the way out from the hub of the station. The gravity here should be one-third of Earth normal. SHERIDAN And it is. Don't you feel lightweight? IVANOVA Well, yes, I do, but how come this brush just fell at 10 meters per second squared? SHERIDAN Because the Great Maker says it would. IVANOVA (stunned) What?!? SHERIDAN The Great Maker says that everything falls at the same rate regardless of how strong the gravity is. IVANOVA But ... but that contradicts every book on physics that I've ever seen! SHERIDAN I know. IVANOVA And the old Moon landing films from the mid-20th century -- they showed things falling at about one-sixth the rate they do on Earth! SHERIDAN I know. IVANOVA So where does this "Great Maker" get off saying that this brush will fall three times faster than it should?! SHERIDAN Simple. "Galileo demonstrated that everything falls at the same rate regardless of how much it weighs. So, in 1/3 Earth gravity, although everything weighs 1/3 as much, it will still fall just as fast, because your weight doesn't affect how fast you will fall." IVANOVA That's ridiculous! SHERIDAN That's his logic. IVANOVA Doesn't he know that Galileo did all of his experience in Earth gravity? And that the modern interpretation is "everything *in the same gravitational field* falls at the same rate"?! SHERIDAN (scolding her) Ah, ah, ah, Commander! Remember: "The Great Maker is always right. I will listen to the Great Maker. I will not ignore the Great Maker's suggestions. The Great Maker is God. -- IVANOVA and SHERIDAN (in chorus) "-- And if this ever happens again, the Great Maker will personally brain you with a baseball bat!" IVANOVA Grumble. SHERIDAN Nobody ever said that Divine Law had to make any sense. IVANOVA Are you ragging on the Torah again? TECH #1 Commander, Captain, I've got the transmitter rigged up. SHERIDAN Beautiful! Put me on video. TECH #1 (pushes some random switch) You're live. Speak into the recorder. One of those floating video recorders from the pilot episode hovers over in front of Sheridan. SHERIDAN (to recorder) Attention starship, this is Captain John Sheridan of Earth station Babylon 5. We don't know who you are or what the United Federation of Planets is ... Cut to interior of Enterprise. Sheridan is showing on their viewscreen in a low-resolution 4-by-3 aspect ratio. SHERIDAN (on Enterprise screen) ... but please be advised that this station is the property of the Earth Alliance forces. Please state your business. PICARD (to Riker) Earth Alliance? Are we in some sort of parallel universe again? RIKER Parallel universe, sir? DATA It does seem likely. Consider that none of the crew have had their minds taken over so far this episode. PICARD (nodding) Right. And if our minds are intact, then the only other plot device that ever happens to us is that we end up in an alternate reality. DATA (typing on his console) There does not appear to be any historical record of an Earth Alliance, even during the shaky period following the Eugenics Wars. Nor is any Earth Alliance mentioned from any of the Mirror universe cross-overs. PICARD *Any* of the mirror universe cross-overs? DATA That is correct, sir. Neither the live-action TV episodes, nor the animated series, nor the Paramount Publishing novels or short stories make any mention of an Earth Alliance. WORF Come on, sir, let's photon-torpedo them into a slag heap! I haven't killed anything for days! PICARD Now, now, Mr. Worf, we have to be certain that they're the bad guys first. Start a new transmission. WORF (opens an NTSC transmission channel) Open. PICARD Earth Alliance station Babylon 5, this is the United Federation of Planets starship Enterprise. Our mission is one of peace and good will. To that end, the Federation's highest law, its prime directive, says that we shall not interfere with the development of primitive and backward savages such as yourselves. Cut to Babylon 5 C&C. Ivanova and Sheridan react. IVANOVA Primitive? SHERIDAN Backward savages? The same screen that was showing Picard's earlier broadcast now shows his current transmission. PICARD (on the screen) However, over the years, the Kirk Incidents have shown that we don't have to give a flaming hoot about the prime directive if your culture in any way, shape, or form resembles Communism. Therefore, I am authorized to ask you the following questions: IVANOVA Uh oh. PICARD Whom did you vote for in the last election? SHERIDAN (to recorder) Uh, the EA president. IVANOVA (also to recorder) Er, not the *current* EA president, the one who was president before him, who got assassinated. SHERIDAN Santiago or something like that. IVANOVA Yeah, he definitely had a non-communist- sounding last name. PICARD Acceptible. All right, then, have you ever been, or been acquainted with anyone who ever was, a member of a political party with the word "communist", "socialist", or "people's" anywhere in its name? IVANOVA What is this, the ancient McCarthy trials? SHERIDAN No, we have not. PICARD Have any of you ever read any literary works written by someone who was a communist at any time in his or her life? SHERIDAN Er, no, I don't think so. IVANOVA Well, I did notice a book title on a library database that caught my eye which turned out to have been written by Dostoyevsky. PICARD I ... see ... IVANOVA B-but I never read the book. PICARD And finally, are any of you of Russian ancestry? IVANOVA *What*?!? SHERIDAN Now hold on just a minute there! IVANOVA Russia hasn't been a communist country since the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991! PICARD According to Ensign Checkov from the early Federation, it's *still* a communist country. IVANOVA Well, trust me, I grew up there, and it's not -- PICARD (grinning) So you *are* of Russian ancestry. Thank you. That's all I needed to know. The screen blanks back to the Babcom logo. SHERIDAN ... Oh dear. Big dramatic something-bad-is-about-to-happen musical swell. Cut to commercial. ("You wanna get laid? Then drive the new Intercourse 5000 Turbo! You can ride with the top down, it comes in only one color -- fire red -- and it has dual quad-thrusted overhead cams. Drive the new Intercourse 5000 Turbo ... or you won't get laid.")