"I bought the Star Trek chess set and the Civil War chess set.
Now I have the South fight the Klingons."
— Dave Spensley
Copyright © 1998 by Roger M. Wilcox < rogermw@ix.netcom.com>. All rights reserved. All lefts reserved. The Star Trek® franchise and all related products mentioned herein are copyright patented registered-trademarked by Paramount Inc., and are used completely without their permission. The Confederate States of America appear courtesy of Ken Burns' 9-part miniseries on the Civil War.
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. MILITARY ENCAMPMENT - DAY
Confederate soldiers mill in and out of the tents. Their gray
uniforms are dirty and torn, as if having just been through a
long battle. It is 1863. General BEAURIGARD steps out of a
tent, accompanied by his aide, the young Captain CORNPONE. They
both speak with thick southern twangs.
BEAURIGARD
At this rate, we'll never break that
Union line.
CORNPONE
(pleading)
But shee-yucks, Gen'ral, we got to!
We just got to! The War fer Suth-run
Independence is countin' on us!
BEAURIGARD
It ain't gonna do Virginia no good to
throw oursel'es at a Yankee line we
ain't never gonna break. We'd just
end up killin' more of our boys fer
nuthin'.
CORNPONE
But maybe we don't have to break 'em,
suh! Not all the way, I mean. All
we's really gotta do is git past 'em,
out inta the open country, and then
they'll have to break formation and
follow us, won't they?
BEAURIGARD
(sighing)
I only wish it was that simple, son.
You see, the Union troops are ...
(beat)
Say ... I got me an idear. Maybe we
don't have to break the Union line!
Not all th' way, I mean. All we gots
ta do is git past 'em, out inta the
open country, and then they'll have
to break formation and follow us!
CORNPONE
Uh ... suh?
BEAURIGARD
Beautiful, in't it?
CORNPONE
Uh ... never mind, suh.
PULL BACK TO:
The camera zooms out and up, taking in the countryside, then the
whole region, then the clouds covering it, then the North
American continent and the whole Earth seen from space, then
the entire solar system, and finally pans to one side and
zooms in on
EXT. ALPHA CENTAURI A
The nearest bright star to the Earth, 25 million million miles
away. A seething yellow-white cauldron of burning gas, matching
Earth's own sun in brilliance, size, color, and heat. Hold on
this star for a beat, as it sits there, simmering serenely in the
inky void as it has done for 4 billion years.
Then, the left limb of the star wavers, and a tendril of yellow
flame wafts out from that left edge. The flame spreads away
from the star in a cone, seeming to get closer, and we can make
out something hurtling toward us, pulling the flare behind it.
Finally the object at the front of the flare rushes up to meet
us, the flare evaporates, and we see that it is a majestic
KLINGON BATTLECRUISER.
(Insert dramatic chord here.)
INT. KLINGON BATTLECRUISER BRIDGE
ANGLE on the flat-foreheaded Klingon seated in the command chair.
He is Captain KANG, and he is grinning evilly.
KANG
We've done it! We've broken the
time threshold!
(gloating)
And the puny Federation thought they
could keep this a secret from the
Klingon Empire forever!
(over his shoulder)
Ensign!
ENSIGN KRAATH
(startled)
Y-y-yes sir!
KANG
What is the current date?
KRAATH
(scanning his instruments)
Uh ... looks like we dropped out of
the timewarp on August 5th, 1863,
sir.
KANG
Right where the calculations said
we'd be.
(rubbing his goatee)
And two hundred years before that
wretched United Federation of Planets
even existed.
(beat)
Lieutennant!
LIEUTENNANT KPTTTH
Sir yes sir!!
KANG
Record a message in a log buoy,
telling our support team that we've
succeeded. Set it to transmit the
message in the far future, exactly
thirty seconds after we entered the
timewarp from our own time. Then
put it in subspace so no one will
accidentally stumble across it in
the next four hundred years.
KPTTTH
Sir yes sir!!
KANG
(rolling his eyes)
By Durgath, that sycophant really
grates on my nerves.
EXT. KLINGON BATTLECRUISER
The space ship spits out a tiny pod, the log buoy. It wavers for
a second, then vanishes the same way a ship does when it switches
on its cloaking device.
INT. KLINGON BATTLECRUISER BRIDGE
KANG
Now then -- ship's status, ensign!
KRAATH
(very nervously)
Uh-h-h ...
KANG
Snap to it, ensign!
KRAATH
Y-yessir! I'm --
KANG
What's taking you so long?!
KRAATH
(fumbling, terrified)
Um, um, we're --
KANG
You don't want me to send a bad note
to your mommy, do you?
KRAATH
(pinched, squeaky voice)
Ship's status coming through now,
sir!!
KANG
Well!!!?
KRAATH
(almost choking)
Decks five and twenty-six report
gravity failure, deck seven had to
switch to emergency life support,
deck ...
As Kraath continues reading from his display, we mute his voice
down into the background and zoom in on Kang, who relaxes in
contentment at how he made his ensign quake with fear.
KANG
Ah, how I love command!
KRAATH
... and one of the dilithium crystals
in the starboard engine is damaged
beyond repair.
KANG
Well! I'd say we came through our
history-making trip with hardly so
much as a bloody nose.
(beat)
And now that we've made history,
we're going to rewrite it. With no
pansy-assed Federation to stand in
way. Lieutennant!
KPTTTH
Sir yes sir!!
KANG
(wincing at the lieutennant's
sudden loud noise)
Set a course for the Sol system,
warp six.
KPTTTH
Sir yes sir!!
KANG
We're going to pay a little visit to
pre-Federation Earth.
(Dramatic chord)
FADE OUT
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ACT TWO
FADE IN:
EXT. MILITARY ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT
Same camp as before. Watchfires burn to warm the gray-clad
soldiers and keep any wild animals at bay.
INT. GENERAL'S TENT
Beaurigard is seated at a small table with three strategists,
poring over a military map.
BEAURIGARD
Now as I see it, the Union line looks
to be weakest right hyar, on the
west'n flank. They ain't got no
cannons thar, and they's so spread
out they got each man coverin'
nigh-on twenty feet o' ground. If we
can sneak up on this point, and hit
'em real quick-like ...
We HEAR a whistling, hissing noise outside, like a falling bomb
(which hadn't been invented yet in 1863), getting louder and
louder for one or two seconds. Suddenly, there is a bright
FLASH visible through the translucent walls of the tent, and a
deafening, earth-shattering BOOM.
BEAURIGARD
What in tarnation!? We's under
attack! How in Jeremiah's name did
the Yankees get past our scouts?!
Beaurigard and his strategists rush out of the tent, and we
cut to
EXT. MILITARY ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT
A great fire burns in the distance. Men are running in every
direction, some for their rifles, but most in a dazed panic.
Angle on Beaurigard. He looks up and we can see his face lit
with a bluish-green light. He is in dumbstruck amazement.
Angle on what Beaurigard sees. An enormous bright blue-green
ball of energy screams downward through the atmosphere and
strikes the ground in the outskirts of the encampment with
another deafening BOOM. Men and tents are thrown from the
blast site.
Beaurigard looks back up in utter astonishment.
BEAURIGARD
Them fireballs is comin' from the sky!
CUT TO:
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
The Klingon battlecruiser from the earlier scene is hovering
a couple thousand kilometers above North America. It is firing
DISRUPTOR BOLTS at the planet below, from the cannons on the
front of its two engine nacelles.