"I bought the Star Trek chess set and the Civil War chess set.
Now I have the South fight the Klingons."
— Dave Spensley
Copyright © 1998 by Roger M. Wilcox < email@example.com>. All rights reserved. All lefts reserved. The Star Trek® franchise and all related products mentioned herein are copyright patented registered-trademarked by Paramount Inc., and are used completely without their permission. The Confederate States of America appear courtesy of Ken Burns' 9-part miniseries on the Civil War.
ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. MILITARY ENCAMPMENT - DAY Confederate soldiers mill in and out of the tents. Their gray uniforms are dirty and torn, as if having just been through a long battle. It is 1863. General BEAURIGARD steps out of a tent, accompanied by his aide, the young Captain CORNPONE. They both speak with thick southern twangs. BEAURIGARD At this rate, we'll never break that Union line. CORNPONE (pleading) But shee-yucks, Gen'ral, we got to! We just got to! The War fer Suth-run Independence is countin' on us! BEAURIGARD It ain't gonna do Virginia no good to throw oursel'es at a Yankee line we ain't never gonna break. We'd just end up killin' more of our boys fer nuthin'. CORNPONE But maybe we don't have to break 'em, suh! Not all the way, I mean. All we's really gotta do is git past 'em, out inta the open country, and then they'll have to break formation and follow us, won't they? BEAURIGARD (sighing) I only wish it was that simple, son. You see, the Union troops are ... (beat) Say ... I got me an idear. Maybe we don't have to break the Union line! Not all th' way, I mean. All we gots ta do is git past 'em, out inta the open country, and then they'll have to break formation and follow us! CORNPONE Uh ... suh? BEAURIGARD Beautiful, in't it? CORNPONE Uh ... never mind, suh. PULL BACK TO: The camera zooms out and up, taking in the countryside, then the whole region, then the clouds covering it, then the North American continent and the whole Earth seen from space, then the entire solar system, and finally pans to one side and zooms in on EXT. ALPHA CENTAURI A The nearest bright star to the Earth, 25 million million miles away. A seething yellow-white cauldron of burning gas, matching Earth's own sun in brilliance, size, color, and heat. Hold on this star for a beat, as it sits there, simmering serenely in the inky void as it has done for 4 billion years. Then, the left limb of the star wavers, and a tendril of yellow flame wafts out from that left edge. The flame spreads away from the star in a cone, seeming to get closer, and we can make out something hurtling toward us, pulling the flare behind it. Finally the object at the front of the flare rushes up to meet us, the flare evaporates, and we see that it is a majestic KLINGON BATTLECRUISER. (Insert dramatic chord here.) INT. KLINGON BATTLECRUISER BRIDGE ANGLE on the flat-foreheaded Klingon seated in the command chair. He is Captain KANG, and he is grinning evilly. KANG We've done it! We've broken the time threshold! (gloating) And the puny Federation thought they could keep this a secret from the Klingon Empire forever! (over his shoulder) Ensign! ENSIGN KRAATH (startled) Y-y-yes sir! KANG What is the current date? KRAATH (scanning his instruments) Uh ... looks like we dropped out of the timewarp on August 5th, 1863, sir. KANG Right where the calculations said we'd be. (rubbing his goatee) And two hundred years before that wretched United Federation of Planets even existed. (beat) Lieutennant! LIEUTENNANT KPTTTH Sir yes sir!! KANG Record a message in a log buoy, telling our support team that we've succeeded. Set it to transmit the message in the far future, exactly thirty seconds after we entered the timewarp from our own time. Then put it in subspace so no one will accidentally stumble across it in the next four hundred years. KPTTTH Sir yes sir!! KANG (rolling his eyes) By Durgath, that sycophant really grates on my nerves. EXT. KLINGON BATTLECRUISER The space ship spits out a tiny pod, the log buoy. It wavers for a second, then vanishes the same way a ship does when it switches on its cloaking device. INT. KLINGON BATTLECRUISER BRIDGE KANG Now then -- ship's status, ensign! KRAATH (very nervously) Uh-h-h ... KANG Snap to it, ensign! KRAATH Y-yessir! I'm -- KANG What's taking you so long?! KRAATH (fumbling, terrified) Um, um, we're -- KANG You don't want me to send a bad note to your mommy, do you? KRAATH (pinched, squeaky voice) Ship's status coming through now, sir!! KANG Well!!!? KRAATH (almost choking) Decks five and twenty-six report gravity failure, deck seven had to switch to emergency life support, deck ... As Kraath continues reading from his display, we mute his voice down into the background and zoom in on Kang, who relaxes in contentment at how he made his ensign quake with fear. KANG Ah, how I love command! KRAATH ... and one of the dilithium crystals in the starboard engine is damaged beyond repair. KANG Well! I'd say we came through our history-making trip with hardly so much as a bloody nose. (beat) And now that we've made history, we're going to rewrite it. With no pansy-assed Federation to stand in way. Lieutennant! KPTTTH Sir yes sir!! KANG (wincing at the lieutennant's sudden loud noise) Set a course for the Sol system, warp six. KPTTTH Sir yes sir!! KANG We're going to pay a little visit to pre-Federation Earth. (Dramatic chord) FADE OUT [commercials:] Next time, on Star Trek: Voyager, Janeway must decide between using a device which will rescue her crew from certain doom, get them all home in the blink of an eye, and bring a new age of peace and prosperity to the Federation; or helping out a Hirojen who's down on his luck. Seven of Nine disobeys her, thereby saving the ship and crew but making Janeway tell her to go stand in a corner some more. Meanwhile, Neelix negotiates a deal for a five years' supply of antimatter by babbling in his nasally, obnoxious voice until all of the other negotiators capitulate, and Paris crashes another shuttle. Call the Psychic Buddies Network today! For only $3.99 per minute plus toll charges to Sri Lanka (minimum call time: 20 minutes), you'll hear total strangers telling you things they couldn't possibly know! Like the fact that you drove somewhere yesterday! Or that you've recently contacted somebody close to you! We guarantee that all our psychic advice is 100% accurate (for entertainment purposes only)! Call now! ACT TWO FADE IN: EXT. MILITARY ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT Same camp as before. Watchfires burn to warm the gray-clad soldiers and keep any wild animals at bay. INT. GENERAL'S TENT Beaurigard is seated at a small table with three strategists, poring over a military map. BEAURIGARD Now as I see it, the Union line looks to be weakest right hyar, on the west'n flank. They ain't got no cannons thar, and they's so spread out they got each man coverin' nigh-on twenty feet o' ground. If we can sneak up on this point, and hit 'em real quick-like ... We HEAR a whistling, hissing noise outside, like a falling bomb (which hadn't been invented yet in 1863), getting louder and louder for one or two seconds. Suddenly, there is a bright FLASH visible through the translucent walls of the tent, and a deafening, earth-shattering BOOM. BEAURIGARD What in tarnation!? We's under attack! How in Jeremiah's name did the Yankees get past our scouts?! Beaurigard and his strategists rush out of the tent, and we cut to EXT. MILITARY ENCAMPMENT - NIGHT A great fire burns in the distance. Men are running in every direction, some for their rifles, but most in a dazed panic. Angle on Beaurigard. He looks up and we can see his face lit with a bluish-green light. He is in dumbstruck amazement. Angle on what Beaurigard sees. An enormous bright blue-green ball of energy screams downward through the atmosphere and strikes the ground in the outskirts of the encampment with another deafening BOOM. Men and tents are thrown from the blast site. Beaurigard looks back up in utter astonishment. BEAURIGARD Them fireballs is comin' from the sky! CUT TO: EXT. EARTH ORBIT The Klingon battlecruiser from the earlier scene is hovering a couple thousand kilometers above North America. It is firing DISRUPTOR BOLTS at the planet below, from the cannons on the front of its two engine nacelles.