An Original Screenplay
by Roger M. Wilcox
Roger M. Wilcox
November 1, 1988
Poli Sci 355
Prof. Theodolou
A BUSH CAROL
FADE IN
1 INT. OVAL OFFICE - EVENING 1
Subtitle on screen: "THE WHITE HOUSE. DECEMBER 24, 1991"
Slow zoom from long shot to closeup on PRESIDENT DAN
QUAYLE sitting at the Oval Office desk, signing a bill
into law. He forwards both the bill and the pen he
signed it with into his Out Box and reads the next
bill.
QUAYLE
(reading)
". . . require all products
manufactured by U.S. investors in
South America to be labelled as
such"?! That'll ruin the American
economy for sure! What do they
think we are, a bunch of commies?
He picks up a rubber stamp and smashes it down on the
signature line of the bill. INSERT C.U. shot of the
stamp being pulled away. The area beneath it reads, in
large red stamped letters, "VETO."
CUT back to front shot of Quayle. He puts the bill in
the out box and begins reading the last bill on his
desk.
QUAYLE
(reading)
". . . allow corporations involved
in the SDI project to dispose of
toxic wastes produced by their SDI
research as they see fit." Well
now, that's more like it!
He picks up a pen from the New Pen Pile and signs the
bill enthusiastically. Putting the pen and the bill in
the out box, he notices that there are no bills on his
desk and glances at his watch. He yawns, draws himself
up from his chair, and stalks toward the door stage
right.
2 INT. SECRETARIAL AREA - NEXT TO OVAL OFFICE 2
One of the Executive's secretaries, MISS JONES, is
typing at her desk. Quayle enters through the door
stage left.
MISS JONES
Good evening, Mister President.
QUAYLE
(busily)
Evening, Miss Jones. Be ready to
start work bright and early
tomorrow morning; we've got a lot
of legislation to push through that
damned Democratic congress.
MISS JONES
Tomorrow morning? But tomorrow is Christmas!
QUAYLE
Bah, humbug! And I suppose you'll be wanting
the whole day off, am I right?!
MISS JONES
(puzzled)
Why, of course. I'd like to spend the day at
home with my --
QUAYLE
With pay.
MISS JONES
Well, yes, but Christmas comes only once a --
QUAYLE
That's a pitiful excuse for picking the
country's pockets every twenty-
fifth of December!
MISS JONES
Oh, come on! Workers have rights, you know.
QUAYLE
Of course. You have the right to not work
anywhere you choose, and the right
to starve to death just like
everyone else.
2 CONTINUED 2
As Miss Jones looks on in disbelief, Quayle storms
right past her and out of the room. As he exits
through the door stage right, we cut to a close up of
him muttering:
QUAYLE
(aside) (snickers)
I love being the king!
3 INT. SPIRAL STAIRCASE - WHITE HOUSE 3
There is a portrait of Abraham Lincoln on one wall. As
Quayle ascends the staircase, CASPAR WEINBURGER
descends it and greets Quayle in the middle.
WEINBURGER
Well, good evening to you, Mr. President.
Good decision we came to in that
staff meeting today, don't you
think?
QUAYLE
Of course; I okayed it, didn't I?
(chuckles)
No, seriously, Caspar, sending troops in to
South Africa will be the best thing
we did since the Korean war -- er,
I mean police action. Imagine,
they actually want to do business
with the Soviet Union!
WEINBURGER
And they're demanding to keep half of the
profits we make over there!
QUAYLE
Yeah; the next thing you know, they'll want
to abolish Aparteid!
They both laugh together for a few seconds.
WEINBURGER
(pensively)
You know, I sort of miss old George Bush.
(beat)
Er, not that I don't think you're every bit
as good a president as he was.
3 CONTINUED 3
QUAYLE
No, no, I kind of miss him too. He was a
good business partner. When I told
ABC News that I never intended to
become president this way, I really
meant it.
(beat)
Hell, that's probably the only thing I've
told the media that was the truth!
WEINBURGER
(laughing)
Ha ha ha! Well, good night, Mr. President.
Weinburger turns and continues down the stairs. As
Quayle resumes his climb, the portrait of Lincoln
catches his eye.
QUAYLE
"Honesty is the best policy." Humbug. That
shows what you know!
He continues up the stairs and off screen.
4 INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - WHITE HOUSE 4
Quayle emerges from the stairwell and proceeds
downstage toward the door to his presidential bedroom.
Mrs. Quayle is out spouting her just-say-no-to-drugs
message to a bunch of people who are unaware of the
money drug smugglers pay the U.S., so Dan Quayle is
alone for the evening. He reaches his bedroom door and
is about to turn the handle when the knocker in the
center of it -- which is there for purely ornamental
reasons -- catches his eye and stops him cold.
5 ANGLE ON DOOR KNOCKER 5
The door knocker has taken on the semblance of a bronze
statue of GEORGE BUSH. It shines with an eerie,
emerald halo.
6 INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - SAME ANGLE AS BEFORE 6
In complete surprise and disbelief, Quayle rubs his
eyes and stares open-mouthed and wrinkle-browed at the
knocker again.
7 ANGLE ON DOOR KNOCKER 7
The door knocker is once again its original bas-relief
self, and is not glowing emerald or any other color.
8 INT. UPSTAIRS HALLWAY - SAME ANGLE 8
Quayle puzzles, then becomes disgusted with himself.
QUAYLE
Bah, humbug.
He opens the door and steps into:
9 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM 9
The room is decked out in the farthest limits of
Victorian costliness and good taste. Quayle closes the
door behind himself and chuckles over what he thought
he saw. Just to be on the safe side, though, he locks
all seven of the latches on the door.
10 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 10
Only the table-top lamp is on in the room. Quayle, now
in his pajamas, yawns and crawls into bed. He reaches
over to the table-top lamp and switches in off,
plunging the room into near-darkness.
He sighs as sleep begins to settle in. A few seconds
pass. Then, we hear the distant CLANKING of chains.
Quayle sits up with a start. The CLANKING sounds get
louder. Quayle leans over to his end table and pushes
a button on his intercom.
QUAYLE
White house security!
(beat)
White house security!!
(beat)
Damn, the lines are down again!
Now quite worried, Quayle switches on the light and
draws the covers up in front of his face. The CLANKING
continues to get louder and closer. He glances at a
nearby wall.
11 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - ANGLE ON UNIFORM 11
A spiffy soldier's uniform hangs from a peg, as if on
display. The badge reads "Dan Quayle -- National
Guardsman First Class."
12 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - ANGLE BACK ON QUAYLE 12
Quayle is now hiding completely under the covers and
shaking feverishly. The CLANKING of the chains is so
close and distinct now that FOOTSTEPS can be heard
accompanying it -- however, it still sounds like
there's a wall between us and the thing making the
sounds.
Suddenly, the sound shifts, and is much more distinct,
as though the source of the sounds moved through the
wall to this side of it. Quayle peeks up from behind
the covers and gasps.
13 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - QUAYLE'S POINT OF VIEW 13
The "thing" that has been making the sounds is an
emerald-colored, transparent image of GEORGE BUSH. It
is dragging a very long and odd-looking chain behind
itself. The image notices that Quayle has noticed it.
BUSH
(reverb)
Dan Quayle . . .
He takes a couple of steps closer.
14 MEDIUM ANGLE ON BOTH OF THEM 14
QUAYLE
(feigning ignorance)
There's nobody here by that --
BUSH
(reverb)
Daaaaan Quaaaaaaaaaayle . . .
QUAYLE
G-g-g-get out of here! G-g-go on, shoo!
BUSH
(reverb)
Oh, relax, Dan, it's only me.
QUAYLE
B-b-but you're dead!
BUSH
(reverb)
And I've been that way for two long years.
Two miserable years. And I have an
eternity of miserable years
stretching out before me.
14 CONTINUED 14
Bush picks up one end of his chain. The other end
extends back out through the far wall and cannot be
further seen.
BUSH
(reverb)
See this?
Quayle chances to lower his covers and lean forward a
bit.
QUAYLE
Yeah . . . it's a chain.
BUSH
(reverb)
Know why I'm carrying it?
QUAYLE
Well, I naturally assumed that all ghosts
carried chains.
BUSH
(reverb)
Take a closer look.
He does.
QUAYLE
(pointing)
That's that tape of the phone-tap you made of
Jimmy Carter 'way back in 1980.
And that's the 1976 CIA national
budget report. And that's one of
the contracts you made with the
Ayatollah to delay the release of
the American hostages until
Reagan's inauguration.
BUSH
(reverb)
Do you see now?
(clanks chain)
This chain is forged from all the deliberate
mistakes I made while I was alive.
QUAYLE
Mistakes? How could they be? You never got
caught!
14 CONTINUED 14
BUSH
(shaking his head)
(reverb)
I got caught every time a Nicaraguan or a
Chilean suffered. I got caught
whenever I violated the
constitution I swore to protect.
QUAYLE
But you handled your political business so
well!
BUSH
(reverb)
My business?! The "business" I prided myself
on wasn't a tenth of one percent of
the business that was my whole
life! I failed to see that soon
enough, and now I must walk through
eternity dragging this chain of
woes behind me and looking on --
helplessly -- as the country I
loved gets dragged down into a
whimpering death because of
policies I upheld.
QUAYLE
But the corporate complex wouldn't have given
you so many kick-backs if what they
wanted you to do would send the
country into a recession!
(beat)
Would they?
BUSH
(reverb) (sternly)
You have a chain waiting for you when you
die, too.
QUAYLE
(swallows hard)
I . . . I do?
BUSH
(reverb)
Yes.
(beat)
Yours is just as long as mine, if not longer.
At the rate you've been going, you
condemn yourself -- and this
country -- to the same fate as I
have.
14 CONTINUED 14
Pregnant silence. Bush looms a bit closer.
BUSH
(reverb)
However,
(beat)
you still have the chance to rescue yourself
from certain doom.
QUAYLE
(very interested)
Really?!
BUSH
(reverb)
That's why I'm here tonight. I managed to
pull a few strings out here in the
spirit world -- at least that
silver tongue I picked up from old
Ronnie has some use.
(beat)
You will be visited
(beat)
By three ghosts.
Quayle's heart sinks.
QUAYLE
Three more ghosts? Couldn't I just, um,
serve another term in the national
guard?
BUSH
(Close Up)
(reverb)
There is no other way; I assure you. I hope,
for your sake and for the sake of
the United States, that you listen
well to what the three ghosts have
to say.
(beat)
And now, farewell, old friend.
Bush's visage begins to fade as he turns and
walks away. The clanking chains
and footsteps get more hollow as he
fades, slowly, into nothingness
during the following:
14 CONTINUED 14
QUAYLE
(Close Up)
(calling after)
But -- but wait! What's it like to be dead?!
To die?! Did you see a golden
light at the end of a long tunnel?!
How is Elvis doing?!!
Bush completely fades.
15 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT SAME NIGHT 15
Quayle is sitting up on the edge of his bed, fidgeting.
He is deathly afraid of more ghosts, but is even more
afraid of talking with his White House staff about this
whole ordeal.
QUAYLE
(mumbling, to himself)
Three ghosts. Visited by three ghosts. I
wonder what he meant by this
country's fate. And how is my
being molested by a bunch of
poltergeists going to change m--
The far wall of the room suddenly bursts into a
lambent, white glow. An electric HUM cuts the air.
Quayle starts and cringes back.
16 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - ANGLE ON FAR WALL 16
At first, the entire wall seems to shine a blinding
white. Then, the glow slowly contracts down to a
formless blob of white light standing about four meters
in front of the wall. The light blob shimmers a bit,
then grows taller and thinner. It begins to resolve
itself into a man -- a man dressed in rich
eighteenth-century garb. Finally, the face resolves
enough for Quayle to see that the man is THOMAS
JEFFERSON.
17 CLOSE UP ON QUAYLE 17
QUAYLE
Thomas . . . Jefferson?
18 MEDIUM SHOT OF QUAYLE AND GHOST 18
JEFFERSON
That I am -- or was, until my death in 1826.
I saw this country grow right from
its very beginning, and have been
watching it ever since. Ronald
Reagan, George Bush, and yourself
have succeeded in one regard and
one regard only: you have done more
cumulative damage to this country
than anyone in history.
QUAYLE
Including Nixon?!
JEFFERSON
Including Nixon, and Harding, and Grant.
Among other things, you've cut back
welfare right to the quick.
QUAYLE
Hey, wait a minute! We didn't even have any
social welfare programs while you
were alive!
JEFFERSON
True; but we have them while you are alive.
And since the national werfare
policy's inception as part of the
New Deal, a whole lot of folks have
become dependent on it.
QUAYLE
And that's precisely the problem! They're
gonna keep living off of it until
they bleed this country dry! Damn
our welfare program and that
bleeding-heart congress. That was
why the CIA engineered the A.I.D.S.
virus to begin with: better to let
the undesirables die, and decrease
the surplus population.
JEFFERSON
You think so, do you? And what, might I ask,
do you think of American foreign
policy?
QUAYLE
As many pies as American businesses can get
their hands into, & change their
mind if they don't let us.
18 CONTINUED 18
JEFFERSON
That's what I thought. You see, I'm more
than just the ghost of Thomas
Jefferson -- I'm also the spirit of
American Christmas past. Come with
me, I've things to show you.
Jefferson extends his hand and approaches Quayle.
Quayle gets worried.
QUAYLE
Wh-where are you going to take me?
JEFFERSON
(close-up 2 shot)
Relax. This won't hurt a bit.
Reluctantly, Quayle takes hold of Jefferson's hand.
The instant he does, Jefferson whisks him off the
ground. Quayle lets out a meek cry of panic as
Jefferson flies him over to the window, opens it, and
wafts both of them out to:
19 EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - NIGHT 19
The two soar out of the window over the White House
lawn and out over the city beyond, higher and higher.
Quayle looks down and cringes.
QUAYLE
I'm not going to fall, am I?
JEFFERSON
No, of course not, don't worry.
(beat)
As long as you don't let go.
Quayle grabs hold of Jefferson with his other hand and
holds on all the more tightly.
As they continue to swoop through the city, it begins
to change. The buildings begin to look less and less
run-down. Modern structures give way to increasing
numbers of rustic homes. The electric lights become
gas lights, and then even those disappear. Cars become
older, squarer, and finally horse-drawn. The sky
begins to lighten. As the countryside sweeps by, at
last they arrive at:
20 EXT. INDEPENDENCE HALL - DAY 20
JEFFERSON
(still flying)
Do you recognize this place?
QUAYLE
Yeah . . . Independence Hall. We're in
Philadelphia, aren't we?
Jefferson nods.
JEFFERSON
I'll give you one guess as to what day it is.
QUAYLE
(puzzled)
It's still December the twenty-fourth, isn't
it?
Jefferson shakes his head "no." He flies down toward
Independence Hall so fast that Quayle is sure he is
going to be dashed to pieces against the outer wall;
then, both he and Quayle fly STRAIGHT THROUGH the wall
as though it wasn't there, and see:
21 INT. INDEPENDENCE HALL 21
Several extremely important people are gathered around
a document, ink quills at the ready. Among them are
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN, JOHN HANCOCK, and THOMAS JEFFERSON
himself (as a live person this time).
JEFFERSON (GHOST)
Do you still think it's December the
twenty-fourth?
QUAYLE
July 4th, 1776. The signing of the
Declaration of Independence.
JEFFERSON (GHOST)
Precisely. The day the United States of
America came into being as a
country in its own right.
(sighs)
That document was one of my better
achievements.
21 CONTINUED 21
QUAYLE
I'll say. Too bad Benjamin Franklin made you
change that "We hold these truths
to be sacred" passage to say "We
hold these truths to be self-
evident."
JEFFERSON (GHOST)
Actually, I'm glad he did. The separation of
church and state was, and still is,
one of the things that made this
country so great.
(beat)
Unlike the school prayer policy of a certain
administration I could mention. . . .
QUAYLE
Humbug.
JEFFERSON (GHOST)
And do you happen to remember why we decided
to break off from Britain?
QUAYLE
Sure. Corporate autonomy.
JEFFERSON (GHOST)
As I recall, there was a little more to it
than that.
(beat)
Great Britain was taxing us up to our ears.
Practically all profits made on
American soil had to be shipped
right over to King George the
Third. The standard of living was
miserable. So, we decided to
revolt against the government which
had the choke hold over us. Great
Britain wanted to take everything
for itself, while we just wanted to
be able to live our own lives.
(beat)
Does the foreign policy of 18th-century Great
Britain remind you of the foreign
policy of any 20th-century nations
you know of?
QUAYLE
Why, sure, that sounds like the foreign
policy we practice nowadays in the
good old U.S. of . . .
21 CONTINUED 21
Ouayle stops himself.
JEFFERSON (GHOST)
You see my point?
(beat)
Under the guise of "battling communism," the
United States in 1991 has the same
Machiavellian foreign policies as
Great Britain did in 1776. And yet
your government just can't seem to
understand why all these countries
you've got under your thumb would
want to revolt.
(beat)
Now come along; this was just our first stop.
Quayle nods in silent acquiescence as Jefferson's ghost
turns and drags him back out through the same wall they
came in from.
22 EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - DAY 22
The countryside zips by beneath them as before. They
return to Washington, D.C., but it is obvious that a
few years have passed since 1776. They stop in front
of:
23 EXT. HOUSE OF CONGRESS - DAY 23
QUAYLE
Ugh . . . Congress. You would have to bring
me to those cretins.
JEFFERSON
They're not always cretins. It was Congress
who kept people like Nixon, Grant,
and Harding from getting away with
murder. And today was a special
day for them. Come on, let's look
in on the Senate.
Before Quayle can protest, Jefferson takes him once
again through a solid marble wall to:
24 INT. SENATE CHAMBER 24
The senators present are all silent. They are casting
their votes on something.
24 CONTINUED 24
QUAYLE
(whispering)
What are they voting on?
JEFFERSON
You don't have to whisper.
QUAYLE
But won't they hear us?
JEFFERSON
They can't here us any more than they could
back in Independence Hall. Anyway,
the year is 1791.
QUAYLE
(snaps his fingers)
The Bill of Rights.
JEFFERSON
Very good. They're voting on whether or not
they should formally propose the
first ten amendments to the
Constitution. The House of
Representatives has already voiced
its approval -- and we both know
what the outcome of this vote is
going to be.
[Editor's note, added 28-July-2001: The Bill of Rights
passed both houses of Congress in 1789, not 1791. 1791
was the year the states ratified it.]
QUAYLE
But why are you showing me this? I've never
violated the Bill of Rights.
JEFFERSON
You have never violated the precise lettering
of the bill of rights. Unless you
count voluntary school prayer as a
violation of the first amendment.
(beat)
But you have violated it in spirit time and
time again. If Americans have
rights, then why don't Nicaraguans
or Chileans? Or South Africans?
Don't they have the same human
rights as Americans? Don't they
have the right to decide what kind
of government they want, without
having to worry about whether the
U.S. will step all over them?
(beat)
24 CONTINUED 24
JEFFERSON
(continued)
Or do you believe that Americans are the
Master Race?
QUAYLE
I . . .
(beat)
I . . .
(beat)
JEFFERSON
Come along, there's still more to see.
Once again, Jefferson whisks Quayle away through the
walls and out to:
25 EXT. WASHINGTON, D.C. - DAY 25
They fly north from Capitol Hill, passing town after
town with every passing second; and each town they pass
gets more and more modern. Gas lamps and paved roads
start to appear. The gas lamps change into electric
lights. Horse-drawn buggies give way to Ford Model Ts.
Finally, they arrive in New York, in front of:
26 EXT. NEW YORK STOCK EXCHANGE - DAY 26
The automobiles and clothing fashions indicate a time
near the end of the roaring 'twenties. As can be
expected, there is quite a frenzy in front of the Stock
Exchange, which reflects the unbelievable level of
trading inside. Suddenly, SCREAMS, from what sounds
like hundreds of people, pierce the air.
JEFFERSON
(nodding)
It's late October, 1929.
QUAYLE
(in awe)
The darkest day in our nation's history.
Businessman after businessman pours out of the doors of
the Stock Exchange. They are tearing their hair,
screaming, sobbing, and otherwise showing discontent.
26 CONTINUED 26
JEFFERSON
This little accident of runaway, unprotected
capitalism plunged the country into
the deepest economic depression it
had ever experienced. The poor
became so poor that revolt loomed
on the horizon.
Jefferson snaps his fingers. They suddenly appear in:
27 INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY 27
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT can be seen behind his desk,
feverishly signing some bills his cabinet has drafted.
JEFFERSON
It was only thanks to the "New Deal," as put
forward by this man, that
capitalism was saved from itself.
QUAYLE
Yeah, yeah, I know all this. I'm not totally
ignorant.
JEFFERSON
No, you're not. Not totally.
(beat)
You're not so ignorant as to not know why
welfare was initiated in the first
place.
(beat)
And you're not so ignorant as not to know
that money the government spends on
welfare could, theoretically, be
spent on defense.
(beat)
But you are ignorant enough not to put two
and two together. The way you've
been cutting spending to social
welfare, I think you honestly
believe that the 35 million
American individuals living below
your artificial "poverty line" are
valueless.
This time, Jefferson doesn't even bother to dictate his
actions. He merely takes off with Quayle, exits the
White House, goes forward in time a few decades, and
lands in:
28 INT. SENATOR QUAYLE'S OLD LIVING ROOM - EVENING 28
SENATOR Dan Quayle is sitting in front of a television
set, eagerly watching the news.
PRESIDENT QUAYLE
Hey! That's me there!
Jefferson nods.
PRES. QUAYLE
What's that he's watching?
JEFFERSON
Pay attention and see.
Quayle takes a closer look. The television picture
displays footage of MILITARY TROOPS marching across
some field. An ANNOUNCER'S voice speaks underneath it:
ANNOUNCER
(o.s.) (filtered)
We take you now to the Oval Office.
The picture now displays a film clip of Ronald Reagan
from a press conference.
REAGAN
(filtered)
I have complete faith in the Contras' cause.
By fighting the Nicaraguan
Sandinistas, they are doing their
best to combat the scourge of
communism, which has plagued South
and Central America for far too
long.
SENATOR QUAYLE
(leaping up from the couch)
Yeah! Let's show those pinko bastards who's
the boss! They can't push the
Western Hemisphere around and get
away with it!
President Quayle smiles as he recalls this reaction.
JEFFERSON
You liked that, didn't you?
PRES. QUAYLE
You bet your sweet patooty I did.
28 CONTINUED 28
JEFFERSON
And did you know at the time that the Contras
were created and funded entirely by
the CIA?
PRES. QUAYLE
They were?
JEFFERSON
Don't play the sweet innocent little lamb
with me. I know you better. I
know you better than Bush or Mrs.
Quayle or anybody knows you.
PRES. QUAYLE
What?! How??
JEFFERSON
If the CIA can eavesdrop with microphones,
the spirit world can eavesdrop too.
Meanwhile, the TV has switched to a commercial for AT&T
/ Pacific Telephone. (Indicating that this takes place
before AT&T split and Pacific Telephone became Pacific
Bell.)
TV ANNOUNCER
(o.s.) (filtered)
AT&T. Reach out and touch someone.
JEFFERSON
In 1983, AT&T's total worth was 158 billion
dollars, making it the most
highly-valued corporation in the
United States. I can assure you
they didn't get that way by not
branching out into certain third-
world nations. Maybe even some
place like Nicaragua. And when the
people of that country elected
someone who didn't want U.S.
investors to take 90% or more of
the profits or work his country's
labor force at slave-labor wages,
AT&T probably went to Reagan and
told him that the government in
that country was communist and
needed to be overthrown.
PRES. QUAYLE
You're kidding, right?
28 CONTINUED 28
Jefferson shakes his head.
JEFFERSON
ITT and IBM helped to over throw the Allendae
government in Chile for exactly
that reason.
(beat)
Now, I think you've seen enough of the past.
Its time we returned and waited
for your second visit.
Jefferson once again whisks President Quayle away
through the air, and deposits him in:
29 QUAYLE'S WHITE HOUSE BEDROOM - NIGHT 29
Jefferson sets the hapless Quayle down on his plush
Victorian bed.
JEFFERSON
Well, goodbye to you. And good luck. . . .
Jefferson steps onto the window ledge.
QUAYLE
But wait!
Jefferson leaps into the night.
QUAYLE
(calling after him)
How is Elvis?!
30 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT 30
Quayle is sitting up, twiddling his thumbs. The dark
circles underneath his eyes are more from stress than
from lack of sleep, although he's had his fair share of
both. Almost imperceptibly, a high-pitched tone
crescendos out of nothingness and heralds the
appearance of the second SPIRIT.
Quayle takes a good look at the spirit. It seems solid
enough. It appears to be an eastern European man with
long black hair, a beard and moustache, and
loose-fitting white robes much like a poor-man's toga.
Aside from a few tiny scars on his forehead, he is
quite handsome.
SPIRIT
I am the spirit of American Christmas
present.
30 CONTINUED 30
QUAYLE
(surprisingly relaxed)
You look . . . familiar.
SPIRIT
Naturally.
(beat)
Come with me.
The spirit extends his hand. Quayle takes it,
reluctantly at first, and then feels calmly assured
that this man will not hurt him. The spirit walks over
to the window.
QUAYLE
Are you going to fly me around like Jefferson
did?
SPIRIT
No, not exactly. Get on my back.
Quayle shrugs, and does so. The spirit steps with one
foot out the window, and as he does so, we CUT TO:
31 EXT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 31
Quayle's bedroom is on the third or fourth floor of the
White House. As the spirit's leg comes out of the
window, it suddenly GROWS until it reaches all the way
to the ground. His other leg comes out and does
likewise. As he pulls his torso out of the window, it
grows in proportion to his legs, until he becomes a
giant standing fifteen meters tall. Quayle is sitting
on his shoulder. The spirit walks across the White
House lawn, apparently making quite a noise but
attracting no attention and leaving no giant
footprints.
QUAYLE
How did you do that?
SPIRIT
If you feel tall, you walk tall.
They continue on in silence, past the White House fence
and into the north-eastern quadrant of the city.
QUAYLE
Spirit?
SPIRIT
Yes?
31 CONTINUED 31
QUAYLE
How is Elvis?
SPIRIT
Presley?
QUAYLE
Yes.
SPIRIT
(beat)
Elvis Presley is dead.
QUAYLE
Oh, come on! So are you.
SPIRIT
In a manner of speaking, yes.
The spirit lumbers on in silence, until they reach:
32 EXT. SLUM COMPLEX - EVENING 32
The spirit stops in front of Apartment Four. Even from
the outside, it appears quite squalid.
SPIRIT
Do you recognize this place?
QUAYLE
(disgusted)
No, no I don't, and I certainly wouldn't care
to.
SPIRIT
Read the name on the door.
He does. A piece of masking tape reads,
"Jones & Dunne."
QUAYLE
Jones! As in Miss Jones?! My secretary?!
SPIRIT
The very same.
QUAYLE
But who's this Dunne fellow?
The spirit shrinks, then gestures, and they find
themselves:
33 INT. APARTMENT FOUR - EVENING 33
A man, a woman, and six children are busily scurrying
about. The smell of Christmas dinner is in the air.
SPIRIT
Mr. Dunne is her live-in boyfriend.
Essentially her husband,
considering that they've had six
children together.
QUAYLE
Six children!
Quayle counts them just to make sure.
QUAYLE
They should have used some form of
contraception. Sheish! These
living conditions aren't fit for a
rat, much less six children!
SPIRIT
They wanted a large family. Of course, they
didn't count on the sixth one
coming out deformed.
The spirit indicates one little boy who's not roaming
the apartment with his brothers and sisters. He is
hobbling around on little metal crutches.
SPIRIT
Tim -- or Tiny Tim, as they refer to this
poor son of theirs -- was detected
in Miss Jones's womb as being badly
malformed. They would have aborted
him -- except that you had made
sure the supreme court overturned
their 1973 ruling and banned
abortion.
The Jones/Dunne family sits down to a rather minimal
Christmas dinner. Despite the pervasive festive
spirit, Miss Jones cannot keep from asking a somber
question:
MISS JONES
How does the job market look, honey?
MR. DUNNE
(sighs)
Not good. Good old Reaganomics has finally
cut its own throat. The want ads
look practically barren --
33 CONTINUED 33
MR. DUNNE
(continued)
and I thought it looked bad last year!
(beat)
And unemployment compensation isn't at the
height of its powers any more,
either.
MISS JONES
Damn these social service cutbacks. Its bad
enough the social security program,
food stamps, unemployment, and all
those programs are going down the
drain, but for the country to keep
spending so much on defense while
all this is going on is obscene!
MR. DUNNE
Now, come on, dear, don't be so bitter. It's
Christmas. It's a time for sharing
warmth and happiness. We'll pull
through.
MISS JONES
I know. And I'm sorry, dear. It's just that
. . . well . . . I work for the
bastard who's perpetuating this
trend! And he doesn't care about
us, or people like us. He only
cares about keeping his precious
upper class people happy.
On crutches, TINY TIM has approached the table and
intervenes between Miss Jones and Mr. Dunne.
TINY TIM
Mother, father is right. This isn't a time
for grief. Enjoy yourself. Go
ahead and feel happy, so you can
spread it around over all of us.
Dunne takes Tim up onto his lap.
DUNNE
Oh, Tiny Tim, you are such an angel! If . . .
if I ever were to lose you . . .
(beat)
But here, have some of the Chritmas turkey!
33 CONTINUED 33
Tim eagerly takes the turkey slice in his little hands.
TIM
And God bless us, every one.
QUAYLE
(truly touched)
Spirit?
SPIRIT
Yes?
QUAYLE
(beat)
Will Tiny Tim die?
SPIRIT
He is overburdened and under-nourished. If
things continue as they've been
going, his grave will be added to a
multitude of other nameless
paupers'.
QUAYLE
But . . . but there must be some way to
change that outcome . . .
SPIRIT
What do you care? "Let the undesirables die,
and decrease the surplus
population."
Quayle buries his face in his hands.
SPIRIT
I should like to show you Christmas time in
Nicaragua.
QUAYLE
Oh no. . . .
SPIRIT
But I fear that might be too much, even for
your stomach. And my time is far
too short.
QUAYLE
You mean . . . Nicaraguans . . . nearly all
Nicaraguans . . . the whole country
full . . . are worse off than these
poor --
33 CONTINUED 33
SPIRIT
(emphatically)
It was a government like yours that gave
these to me.
The spirit bares his wrists. There are deep wounds in
them.
QUAYLE
(astonished)
Nail holes. . . .
SPIRIT
As you shamelessly give them out to every
country that resists United States
imperialism.
(beat)
It's time for you to return home again.
QUAYLE
Now? But spirit --
SPIRIT
Now!
As the spirit says this, there is a crack of THUNDER,
and the scene about them CUTS TO:
34 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT 34
SPIRIT
Your lesson, Dan Quayle, is not quite over.
You still must meet the third
spirit. I pray . . . that his mark
will stay with you; for if it does
not, we can do no more. Farewell.
Before his eyes, the ghost ages. He turns into a
withered old man, then collapses into a pile of dust
and blows away in the wind from the open window.
35 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT 35
Quayle is a nervous wreck. He can barely keep from
screaming. The bags under his eyes have turned into
luggage.
QUAYLE
Blast it, I wish that third spirit would just
show up and get it over with!
35 CONTINUED 35
And as if on cue, a shadow creeps over him from behind.
He turns to its source.
36 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - ANGLE ON THING CASTING SHADOW 36
A FIGURE dressed in a black robe and cloak has a hood
drawn over his face. The figure is carrying a scythe
in his right hand, with bony fingers. The figure takes
a few steps toward Quayle.
37 ANGLE ON BOTH OF THEM 37
QUAYLE
(mustering up what little
courage he has)
Am I to assume . . . that you are the spirit
of American Christmas yet to come?
The figure nods, but does not speak. He gestures with
the index finger of his left hand for Quayle to
approach him. Reluctantly, Quaye gets up and edges
toward him one tiny step at a time. Finally, when he
is close enough, the figure grabs Quayle's right wrist.
Quayle cringes, his eyes shut.
QUAYLE
C . . . c . . . cold. . . .
When Quayle finally opens his eyes, he is in:
38 EXT. WASTELAND - OVERCAST TWILIGHT 38
A wind howls across dunes made of sand, dirt, and
broken pieces of concrete and steel. Two men are
barely visible in the distance.
QUAYLE
Where is this dreadful place?
Again the figure does not speak, but releases Quayle's
wrist and points at the two distant men. Quayle
approaches them slowly. As he approaches, the wind
dies down and we can hear them speak.
MAN 1
. . . that damned mass funeral!
MAN 2
Oh, come on now, none of us could have seen
that nuclear war coming.
38 CONTINUED 38
MAN 1
What do you mean none of us? We knew that
even small countries have access to
nuclear technology. Or at least I
did. And I presume, so did our
precious government. And what did
we do? We stormed right across
their borders like we owned the
place. We were asking for it, if
you ask me.
MAN 2
Hey, think of it as a blessin' in disguise.
We can start all over from scratch
now. No need to take to the
streets.
MAN 1
(exhales)
Heaven knows, I felt like doing that. I was
livin' on practically nothin', and
so was everybody I ever knew. How
did they expect us to survive with
tiny welfare checks and an
impossible-to-find-work economy? I
can't believe we actually elected
those bastards into office.
QUAYLE
Spirit!
The figure is silent.
QUAYLE
Spirit, what country is this?
Again the figure is silent.
QUAYLE
Who did they elect into office that did this?
What country collapsed because of
such an idiotic policy?
The figure points off stage left. Quayle follows his
finger until he sees:
39 ANOTHER ANGLE 39
The dust in the wind makes for an almost opaque haze,
but even through this can be seen . . . the remains of
the White House!
40 CLOSE SHOT ON QUAYLE 40
QUAYLE
The White House!
(beat)
Then . . . then this country is the United
States! And the country that
launched nuclear weapons at us . . .
was South Africa!
(sobs)
And . . . and I was the bastard they were
talking about who got us into this
mess!
(larger sobs)
I never intended for it to get like this! I
never wanted a ruined country on a
poisoned planet!
He looks up, and notices that the figure has vanished.
QUAYLE
Spirit?
(looks around frantically)
Spirit?!
(beat)
Spirit!! Don't leave me here!!!
Camera crane pulls back and up from Quayle as three
disembodied voices chant to him in unison. The voices
are those of George Bush, Thomas Jefferson, and the
second Spirit.
VOICES
(o.s.) (reverb)
You chose that place for yourself.
Quayle looks for the source of the sound but sees
nothing.
VOICES
(o.s.) (reverb)
Now, you've got the option to choose again.
QUAYLE
Choose . . . again?
VOICES
(o.s.) (reverb)
Our nation's future is still in your hands.
(beat)
40 CONTINUED 40
VOICES
(continued)
You can leave behind your old policies.
Start fresh. See things as a human
being, rather than a tool of the
corporate complex. You can see
that the value of the long-term
outweighs the value of the short-
term.
(beat)
Or . . .
(beat)
You can go ahead and send your troops in to
South Africa.
(beat)
The choice is yours
(beat)
Yours . . .
And all-of-a-sudden, as though this whole ordeal had
never happened, Quayle finds himself:
41 INT. QUAYLE'S BEDROOM - EVENING 41
He finds himself sobbing on the bed, the same evening
-- at the same time -- that this whole fiasco started.
As though, just perhaps, none of it had happened at
all.
QUAYLE
(mumbling)
The choice is mine . . .
(beat)
The choice is mine . . .
(beat)
Boy, is the choice ever mine. . . .
The camera pulls back. We are left with the rather
disturbing feeling that, just perhaps, President Quayle
will not follow the spirits' exemples after all. . . .
FADE OUT
1. Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, 1865
2. J. Michael Straczynski, The Complete Book of Scriptwriting, parts 1 and 3, 1982
3. Robert Harmel, American Government: Readings on Continuity and Change, 1988; the Constitution of the United States of America, as it appears in the appendix
4. James W. Lamare, What Rules America, 1988; p. 42 (AT&T)